Cold Fusion Video Reviews

aka Nightmare Vacation

• Written and directed by Robert Hiltzik
• Starring
  • Felissa Rose
  • Jonathan Tiersten
  • Karen Fields
  • Christopher Collet

SPOILERS AHEAD!

In the midst of the slasher glut of the early ’80s, it’s nice to see a flick like this with a glimmer of originality. I said a glimmer, mind you — enough to see, but not enough to be dazzled by it.

Eight years ago, little kids Peter and Angela and their dad were involved in a boating accident with some waterskiing teenaged idiots. The aftermath is a little confusing, but one things for certain: ol’ Dad ended up a floater (somehow floating with his ankles held together, but we’ll not dwell on that).

Present time: Angela, now in her early teens, and her cousin Ricky are off to Camp Arawak, where Ricky’s been in the habit of going for the last few years. Angela doesn’t talk much (in fact, she’s mute for the first half of the movie), and she hasn’t “blossomed,” so she ends up the butt of cruel jokes. Ricky, of course, tries to come to her rescue — as does a mysterious someone who offs the offenders in creative ways.

By the way, has there ever been a movie that portrayed summer camp as enjoyable? I’ve never been, but from what I see in Sleepaway Camp and Addams Family Values (and The Parent Trap, for crying out loud), it looks like more of a hell on earth than high school.

Some comments, before we get to the big spoiler:

The mom was so incredibly annoying — she probably got rave reviews in her community theater’s production of “Arsenic and Old Lace,” but on film she sucked green weenies.

Somehow you’d think that an out-and-out sex pervert wouldn’t still be working at a summer camp.

Since when does the steam from boiling water look like dry ice?

Let’s fill time by showing an entire softball game. (Hey — the protagonist’s on the winning team? How often does that happen?)

I’m trying to imagine the casting call for the part of Angela: “We need an undeveloped thirteen-year-old who can stare straight ahead for hours on end without giggling.”

The watersnake coming out of the corpse’s mouth was a nice touch.

Woo-hoo! I’ve got boobs, that makes me queen bitch!

They took the time to establish the two-foot opening beneath the latrine door — are you telling me the guy trapped with the bees didn’t think of crawling out? Or maybe out through the ripped screen through which the bees’ nests was inserted? His parents trained him well: “MUST — USE –DOOR!”

Yeah, Meg’s body just stayed propped against the shower curtain until the exact moment that Mel walked in, then it decided to fall. Uh huh.

And of course, to keep the killer’s identity secret, there’s a whole lot of “Oh, it’s you” lines, with the soon-to-be-victim looking at the camera.

I wonder where you can buy those flashlights that go dead on demand.

SPOILER TIME:

From about the midpoint of the movie, the words “The Crying Game” started flashing like a neon sign in my frontal lobes. But even I didn’t suspect the extent of it. You mean that, under those shorts and t-shirt, Angela’s been hiding the hairy physique of a Neanderthal?

And then roll credits? That’s more abrupt than the ending of The Hills Have Eyes, and less defensible. So Angela’s a guy — yeah, and…? What about the actual apprehension?

Better, I suppose, than a generic early ’80s slasher flick, but not by much.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 10
• breasts: 0 (despite many false promises and shower scenes)
• explosions: 0
• dream sequences: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• pasty white guys’ butts: 9
• “Asia” t-shirts: 1 (ah, the eighties)
• prosthetic heads: 4
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0