Shaolin Kung Fu Mystagogue (1976)

Reviewed on Feb 06, 2002 under Martial arts |

aka Wu Tang Mystagogue

Directed by Chang Ping I
Written by Wai Sun
Starring
- Hsu Feng
- Huang Chia-Ta (aka Carter Wong)
- Chang I
- Chen Shao Peng

Necessary background: I’m not a world history expert. I have a grasp on the gist of it, and I know little pockets that have interested me at one time or another, but don’t come to me when you’ve got a question; I’ll just have to look it up, or simply feed you a line of bull. And that’s just Western history; once you get out of Europe and environs, my grasp gets even weaker. What I’m trying to tell you is that everything I know about Chinese history is what I learn in kung fu flicks — and since a) I haven’t seen an overwhelming number of them, and b) they’re not really meant to be a primer anyway, I’m often lost.

And frankly, the back of the video box, which I was hoping to use as a cheat sheet, was no help whatsoever. Here’s what it says, typos and all:

During the reign of Emperor Shen Tsung of Ming, Hsiao Ju-feng is framed for the murder of Minister of war Liu Tien-hu when Hu Lung introduced by him to Liu turns out to be an assassin and kils Liu. Hu is a killer of Cheng Chung. Cheng Chung, an ex-puil of Master of Pugilism Shen Yi-shan, is also an invincible martial artist versed in pugilism and eagle clan. Later, Hsiao finds out the truth and kills Cheng by the help of Shih Lau, Shih Shu and Shen Yao.

The chick’s got sideburns? Dude, that ain’t right!

All of which makes very little sense to me; it’s obvious that the writer was not a native English speaker, and relied heavily on his Chinese-English dictionary. But that’s not the worst of it — this description has absolutely nothing to do with this movie. Nothing. Nada. Zip. These characters are not in this movie, this plot does not occur in this movie. The only resemblance between the description on the box and the movie in the box is a single word: “Ming.”

According to the prologue, the Chings have recently taken over, chasing the Mings out, and are hunting down the Ming remnants. The final Ming heir, King Tang, is desperately trying to make it to a safe place with a handful of followers when he’s attacked by an assassin (Chang I) using a novel weapon — a collapsible three-bladed version of the Glaive from Krull. (We later find out that it’s known as “the bloody birds.”) He escapes, though some of his followers and several nearby trees aren’t so lucky, and his retinue splits up to get him into one of the main Ching towns. Tang is recognized at the gate, and despite one of his retinue’s unintentionally humorous attempt to distract the guards with a false epileptic seizure, Tang is captured. (And epileptic guy is killed.)

Meanwhile, in the Shaolin temple, young Shao Chan (Huang Chia-Ta, better known in some circles as Carter Wong) is demonstrating his mastery of kung fu for the old blind abbott, who is easily identified as a kung fu master by his drooping four-inch eyebrows. How good is Shao Chan? So good that when he hits thin air, it makes a “whump” sound. But not so good that the abbott will teach him the fabled “eighteenth form,” which can destroy those who attempt it unsuccessfully.

It slices! It dices! It even juliennes!

Before Shao Chan’s “Aww, whyyyyyyy?” whining can get worse, they are interrupted by the arrival of an injured girl from Tang’s retinue (Hsu Feng, and I never did catch her character’s name, so she’ll simply be “Little Miss Kick-Ass” or some variation thereof from here on out). Hot on her tail are a handful of ninjas (yes, I know technically that they’re Chinese and hence not true ninjas, but if they show up all in black, they better be ready to be called ninjas). Naturally, the Shaolin temple is probably not the best place for ninjas to drop in, and they drop back out after their asses have been handed to them.

The ninjas were of course emissaries of the local Ching governor (again, didn’t catch the name, but he’s not hard to spot — he’s got a stringy beard, and dresses REEEEAAAALL loud), who now has it in for the Shaolin temple. He arranges an innocent visit there to sample their famed well-water; Shao Chan and Miss Kick-Ass vanish by secret tunnel just before she’s discovered, Chan having been sent to help her find and (if necessary) rescue King Tang by the abbott.

“And the fury of Shaolin will rest upon the next damn fool who tries to play Battleship on my head!”

The king is indeed in the Ching dungeon, and narrowly avoids being identified by two traitorous former Ming generals. Apparently the dungeon’s a big place, because Shao Chan and Miss Kick-Ass sneak their way in (along with a third fellow, another follower who escaped the general capture at the gate) and still can’t find him. Instead, Shao Chan and Miss Kick-Ass end up in a deathtrap that’s more than a little like Raiders of the Lost Ark. I mean, really like Raiders — a sand-weighted trigger, automatic blow-darts, and an escape via Miss Kick-Ass’s amaging bungee mace — more than a little like Indy’s bullwhip. And given that this movie predates Raiders by several years, it makes you wonder what Steven Spielberg watchings on late-nite TV, doesn’t it? (By the way, don’t worry about that third guy; he doesn’t make it out alive.)

Then, after another fight with the Cuisinart Assassin, they escape empty-handed. But Captain Cuisinart has a suggestion for the governor: arrange and publicize a prisoner transfer the next day, to make sure that the Ming loyalists attack. it works like a charm: Shao Chan, Miss Kick-Ass, and a few expendables attack the prisoner convoy; unfortunately, not only are they expected, but the “prisoners” are mostly Ching fighters too. The Mings lose some men, but they do manage to rescue the king. (That’s right — the Chings set up this fake transfer trap, but they still bring the king along, just in case the Mings get lucky and are able to rescue him, I guess.)

“It’s a fashion statement, I tell you!”

Which is actually what the Glaive-wielding assassin was planning on, and he tells the governor; he had spies planted, which could lead them back to Tang’s hiding place — Shaolin Temple! What’s more, the governor’s spy inside the temple arrives to tell him that the abbott and most of the other major Shaolin heavyweights are going to another temple for a scripture-study conference, so it’ll be child’s play to storm the temple and take Tang alive.

Well, that would have been the plan if the abbott hadn’t known about the spy and sent Tang away early, staying behind himself to “welcome” the governor and friends. Fortunately, the invaders are only about a dozen strong, and the temple is just as booytrapped as the Ching dungeon was, so we now have twenty minutes of the bad guys fighting for their lives (um, isn’t it usually the good guys that wade hip-deep in crap for the last third of the movie?) before the climactic showdown(s) between the assassin, the spy, Shao Chan, Miss Kick-Ass, and the abbott. See, the assassin’s the abbott’s former pupil (you knew former pupils had to figure in somewhere, right? I mean, this is a kung fu film, after all) — specifically, the one who tried to steal the eighteenth form and blinded the abbott in his escape.

Zorro was a kung fu master? Who knew?

Oh, and while we’re giving backstory, Shao Chan and Miss Kick-Ass are actually brother and sister, though we’re given no explanation why this should be, or even a “dramatic” scene in which it’s revealed; they mention it in passing in the last ten minutes as if it were something we were already supposed to know.

And frankly, maybe I missed it. Because I had the hardest time focusing my attention on this movie. Between the less-than-gripping translation, the unfamiliar historical milieu, the Looney Toons sound effects, and the long stretches of bewildering fight editing that ignored narrative in favor of lotsa pritty colors, I felt like I was trying to watch a movie from outside a room through the window.

In other words, I never did figure out what the “mystagogue” was, but I was definitely the “mystified.”