• Directed by Jim Stenstrum
• Written by Glenn Leopold
• Starring
  • Scott Innes
  • Billy West
  • Mary Kay Bergman
  • Frank Welker
  • B.J. Ward

Just in case there was any doubt that I’m not the poster-child for my generation (you know, the one with the big “X” in it), I have to say that I was never a big fan of Scooby-Doo. I didn’t see a whole lot of the original series (or the Scrappy-Doo revival, for that matter) during their original runs — that’s what growing up in a two-channel rural area will do for you. And the repeats never really seized my imagination, simply because it was always the same damned anticlimactic plot: the monster turns out to be a guy in a suit. Granted, that’s the same gimmick they used in every single one of the Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators books, and I absorbed them all in my younger days. But Scooby-Doo cheated; Fred would always explain how they deduced the identity of the villain, using clues that you couldn’t possibly have picked up on. I mean, this is a series that revolved around a talking dog, and broke the laws of physics as a matter of course; how were we supposed to pick up on the normative context so that clues could stand out?

And by now, the whole thing’s gotten so retro that the youngsters watching it all again don’t even get the fashions or other pop-cultural references; it’s become like Archie Andrews’ haircut, completely divorced from the reality that spawned it.

All right, boys — assume the position!

The last few years have seen a flurry of direct-to-video Scooby-Doo features (using that term loosely, as they clock in at just over an hour). Previous to Zombie Island, I had seen one, at my childrens’ insistence: Scooby-Doo and the Witch’s Ghost. I thought it a horrendous train wreck. There was the standard Scooby-Doo “fake spook” story, with a real ghost laid over the top; the plot revolved around a Stephen King-style horror novelist (voiced by Tim Curry) looking for evidence that his distant ancestor had been a Wiccan, not a Witch. Of course, so that pre-teen viewers would understand what they were talking about, there was just scads of expository dialogue (starting a drinking game for every time Velma said, “I’ve read about that!” would be extremely dangerous), and to top it off, most of it was wrong. Aside from the improbability of having a Wiccan healer in Puritan Massachusetts, the writers seemed to think that Wiccans were a magically-blessed bloodline instead of religious devotees, and had characters speaking of themselves as “one-fourth Wiccan” and such, as if it carried a magical heritage like the Deryni. In short, it sucked.

But because I’m an occasional softie to my children’s wishes, and because it fit in with Month of the Living Dead 2, I brought home Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island, fearing the worst, and was thus pleasantly surprised.

We open with the tail end of a standard adventure — Shaggy (Bill West) and Scooby (Scott Innes, taking over for the recently-deceased Don Messick) being chased around a spooky castle by a gill-man until they end up capturing him and, as usual, pulling off his mask. This story, it turns out, is being told by Daphne (Mary Kay Bergman) as a guest on a talk show. In a move that presages this last summer’s live-action theatrical release, the Mystery Inc. gang has finally broken up; Daphne, at least, had gotten tired of the monsters always being men in suits. (I take it she doesn’t watch a lot of Roger Corman movies in her spare time.) Now Daphne herself is a talk show host (Daphne Blake Coast-to-Coast), with Fred as her producer/one-man crew. Shaggy and Scooby, meanwhile, work as airport security (this is soooo pre-9/11) snaring contraband food from the luggage carousel, and Velma has her own mystery bookstore.

What the hell’s in those Scooby-Snacks, anyway? Heroin?

But Daphne’s planning a segment on her show on “Haunted America,” hoping to finally find a for-real haunted house, and Fred reassembles the gang for a surprise. Off they all go to New Orleans, searching high and low for real haunts; a montage shows that every monster or ghost they encounter (plus a “giant crawdad” — don’t we just call them lobsters?) is exactly what they’ve always seen: men (and a woman) in costume.

Just a side note, if I may: Who in their right mind would dress up as a sensational mythological or supernatural beastie in order to keep people away from their criminal endeavor or scare rightful owners off lucrative property? Mysterious creatures are a publicity draw; ask any small town blessed with their own lake monster or hirsute hominid. It’d be like warding people off from your shady dealings by putting up a big neon sign that says, “Don’t look at us over here!”

Anyway, despite this all taking place against a fairly well-rendered backdrop of the Big Easy (look closely, and I’ll bet you can see a few familiar faces attending the New Orleans Worst Film Festival) and thus giving Scooby and Shaggy opportunity to down a few poorboy sandwiches, Daphne’s not satisfied with their parade of fakery, and opines out loud that she’d just about die to find a real haunted house.

Next up: Scooby-Doo and the Submissive-Dominant Lesbian Couple.

And overhearing their conversation is Lena (Tara Charendoff), the young cook at a plantation house out in the bayou that she claims is haunted by the spirit of pirate Morgan Moonscar. She offers to lead them out, which takes our heroes into the creepy croc-infested swamps. The ride actually takes a while, what with the ferry boat and all; Scooby and Shaggy manage to fall into the drink and get menaced by crocodiles (filler filler filler) — the scene seems only to be there to introduce crabby fisherman Snakebite Scruggs (Mark Hamill!), because we’re going to need more potential suspects later on.

The owner of the isolated plantation house is Simone Lenoire (Adrienne Barbeau!), who along with Lena and their new gardener Beau (Cam Clarke) makes up the entire household. Them, and about a gazillion cats, which Scoobs can’t help but chase at every opportunity. Despite this, they’re welcomed into her home for dinner (cue more scenes of Scooby and Shaggy scarfing down local fare, including the hot peppers for which the plantation is famous), and that’s where the mysterious stuff starts. Things like words appearing on the wall — “GET OUT” — and Velma being mysteriously levitated, with no wires or magnets in evidence.

Adding a dimension to the normal investigatory fun is Fred’s insistence, based on past experience, that there’s got to be a gimmick in here somewhere. Despite the fact that reviewing his own video footage shows a wispy, pirate-like shade scrawling the words on the walls, he’s still going off on his pragmatic hypotheses of hoaxers after the buried pirate treasure, or maybe smugglers, or maybe there’s oil under the island. He even goes so far as to utter what usually is a death-knell for the character involved: “There’s always a logical explanation for these things.” (Good thing you’re an integral part of the franchise, Fred, or you wouldn’t make it to Act Three.)

strong>That’s-a SPICY meat-a ball!

And things really get into high gear when, after a couple more meals (filler filler filler), Scooby and Shaggy fall into a suspiciously-deep hole dug by the gardener; in trying to scramble out, they accidentally dislodge — a skeleton! And after a burst of mysterious green light, the skeleton clothes itself in rotting flesh and pirate’s clothes and starts shambling after them! And after further delays (naturally, no one believes an unshaven burnout and a talking dog), the green light reappears and brings out of the swamp and the earth dozens and dozens of walking corpses, dressed as pirates, confederate soldiers, gangsters, tourists, etc. It’s a zombie jamboree!

Frankly, it’s a little more than I was expecting for the targeted age range; it doesn’t sound that intense to us, but imagine watching it with a four-year-old. I had to keep pointing out the humor of the situation, like Fred pulling hard as he could on a fallen zombie’s head, trying resolutely to strip off the mask and expose Beau, or Snakebite, or the ferry driver, or… It’s only when the head pops off in his hands (prompting a game of hot potato) that he starts to even entertain the possibility of the supernatural being involved.

We spend the remaining twenty minutes or so (told you it was short) running from hordes of zombies and ghosts, and along the way discover the secret of the island, a cat-god, and some surprising motivations on the part of all participants, living and dead.

And now, our case study in the advanced stages of scurvy…

In addition to playing off the expectations of the standard Scooby-Doo adventure, there’s another innovative element here: Daphne has a personality. (Gasp!) I mean, think about it. Shaggy and Scooby are the comic relief; Fred is the leader; Velma is the smart chick. What has Daphne ever done, aside from standing around looking pretty and getting rescued by Fred? This time out, she’s a career woman with ambition and a for-real motivation to go spook-chasing.

And along with a personality, we also get some honest-to-goodnesss imtimations of a relationship between Fred and Daphne — you always suspected, didn’t you? It’s not blatant, but hey, they stayed together after Mystery Inc. broke up. And when Fred shows some immediate attraction to Lena, Daphne takes umbrage, and starts paying attention to Beau. Granted, we’re not talking about romantic tensions on the level of an erotic thriller, but it does finally raise the characters out of their robotic spook-hunter mode.

Add the generous helpings of local color, some snappy animation (not Disney level by far, but definitely superior to the original series), a few witticisms at the expense of Shaggy’s beard and Fred’s traditional ascot, and a running time that doesn’t require the thin plot be stretched all the way to the snapping point, and you’ve got probably one of the better Scooby-Doo adventures, then or now.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 18 (pretty high for a cartoon!)
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 2
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek (skipping the videogames for which just about everybody has provided voices):
  • Frank Welker (Fred) performed the voice of “Alien Creature” in the Voyager episode “Nothing Human”
  • Adrienne Barbeau (Simone) played “Senator Cretak” in the DS9 episode “Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges”