Cold Fusion Video Reviews

• Directed by Tobe Hooper
• Written by Paul Monash, based on the novel by Stephen King
• Starring
  • David Soul
  • James Mason
  • Lance Kerwin
  • Bonnie Bedelia

Lazy boy that I am, I took the easy route and found myself a copy of the 90-minute feature version of Salem’s Lot; I had neither the inclination nor the stamina to sit through a full 4 hours of ’70s made-for-TV narrative. Nevertheless, that leaves me in an awkward position: I can rarely be sure if the flaws I found were there in the original mini-series.

To shorten an already shortened story further (from novel to mini-series to feature movie to my review): Writer Ben Meers (David Soul) returns to his hometown of Salem’s Lot to write a book about the Marston House, an eerie old manse that sits on a hill above town and affects everyone. He’s surprised to find that the house has recently acquired an owner: The stately Mr. Straker (the stately James Mason), an antiques dealer just setting up shop in town and awaiting his partner, Mr. Barlowe. (Did Stephen King have a bad experience in an antique shop as a child or what?)

While Ben is falling in love with Susan (Bonnie Bedelia, before she turned matronly), the town doctor’s daughter (and hey, if you’re going to fall in love in a horror film, getting connected to the doctor is a great idea), Straker ships into town a mysterious large crate and has it delivered to the house. Right around then, a child disappears, and then people around town start falling ill of “pernicious anemia”… You fill in the blanks.

Actually, “you fill in the blanks” is completely accurate. What makes King’s novels popular is his attention to character; that’s normally the first thing cut in any film treatment, and in this case it’s been double-cut. We’ve got characters who show up for ten seconds near the beginning of the movie (Ned Tibbits, the ominous plumber) just so we’ll recognize them in the last few minutes when they make a difference; we’ve got Elisha Cook, who from his position in the credits must have had a meatier part in the mini-series — in this version, he’s got exactly one line, and two seconds of screen time; we’ve got conversations so truncated I felt like I was watching a badly edited trailer. There’s even a whole subplot (the real estate agent, his secretary, and her husband) that takes up space in the first half hour and then utterly disappears. We think the agent’s been turned into a vampire or killed or something, but no mention is ever made.

Among the most annoying absences is the characterization of Mark, the monster-obsessed teen; just enough is left in so we won’t wonder who he is when he creeps into Marston House for the climax.

The showdown is given ample screentime, I suppose, and supported by a terrific old house set; you can almost feel the rat turds sticking to the character’s shoes. On the other hand, that’s defused by a patently goofy vampire make-up for Mr. Barlowe (imagine Nosferatu with yellow contacts, blue skin, and a schnozz the size of Cleveland). For that matter, Mr. Barlowe never comes across as an insidious threat — Straker acts more like a pet owner than the helpful acolyte one would expect.

There have been worse King films (fill in your own favorite here), and this was probably one of them before being trimmed down. At least I could tell that there probably was a good novel behind it all.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 11
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 0
• dream sequences: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• crucifixes made from tongue depressors: 1
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 5
  • David Soul (Ben Meers) played “Makora” in the classic episode “The Apple”
  • Julie Cobb (Bonnie the adulterous secretary) was an ill-fated yeoman in the classic “By Any Other Name”
  • Elisha Cook (Weasel Craig) was “Samuel T. Cogley” (Kirk’s defense lawyer) in the classic “Court Martial”
  • Barbara Babcock (June Petrie, mother of Mark the Monster Boy) was “Philana” in the classic “Plato’s Stepchildren,” “Mea 349″ in the classic “A Taste of Armageddon,” the voice of Commander Loskene in “The Tholian Web,” the voice of Isis the cat in “Assignment Earth,” and the voice of Trelane’s mother in “The Squire of Gothos”
  • Reggie Nalder (Mr. Barlowe — and they didn’t even credit him!) was “Shras” in the classic “Journey to Babel”