Cold Fusion Video Reviews

• Directed by David Blyth
• Written by Allan Moyle
• Starring
  • Andrew Stevens
  • Heather Thomas
  • Christopher Plummer
  • Kim Coates

Pointless pointless pointless pointless pointless.

First off, I’d like to publicly express amazement at Christopher Plummer’s career choices. He can do everything from Shakespearean theatre to genuine crowd-pleasers (sometimes both at once, as in Star Trek 6) — but then he blunders into these godawful roles like Star Crash or this particular travesty, and you have to wonder what gene is missing that prevents him from realizing the manure his agent is immersing him in.

Here’s the premise, as near as I could make it out between cat naps and frontal lobotomies:

Owen, the brilliant but blacklisted drug/virus designer, is recruited by the biotech firm run by Dr. Alcore (Plummer), supported by his weak-willed and annoying assistant Dennis (Kim Coates, seen recently as the rapist schoolteacher in The Club, a comparably pointless movie). Owen gets to know Paula, a blonde bombshell in a research control group, and together they notice some strange goings-on re Alcore and Dennis. They explore the off-limits part of the facility (question: if it’s off-limits, why does Owen’s keycard grant them access?), and what they stumble across is the secret: they’re vampires! Well, not exactly — they do have to drink blood, and they don’t like sunlight, and they’re phenomenally strong, but none of the other stuff is true. It’s all the result of a virus that Alcore discovered in his quest for longevity treatments. Owen cuts straight into the mercifully-truncated “playing God” speech.

So Paula gets bitten on the ankle by a vampire confined in said off-limits area (whereupon Owen takes her to the hospital where they immediately draw about a half-pint of her blood — what kind of infection do they think they’re going to find already in her bloodstream?), goes through some hot flashes, gets put in a padded cell by Dennis, and immediately goes into the most embarrassingly bad histrionics as the virus takes hold of her, and presto — she’s a vamp! I mean, somehow she discovered hairspray and black lipstick in her cell, because suddenly she’s a wanna-be-bad rocker girl. Who does she think she is, Alyssa Milano?

I’m going to fast-forward through the pathetically weak “rampage” she goes on, and some ineffectual captures and escapes. Finally, in the end, Owen the Chemist Boy magically makes his blood immune (?!?) and cycles it through her body, sort of a variation on Near Dark. Boom, she’s cured (you can tell because her vamp makeup disappears in a heartbeat), Dr. Alcore is happy, everyone’s happy, roll the damned credits already!

But of course my summary doesn’t do this lifeless clod of crud credit; nothing can convey that gut-wrenching feeling that accompanies the realization that, by God, the filmmakers aren’t going to get to the point because they HAVE no point! The script’s being made up as they go along! No one bothered to think of an actual story to go with the words and the pictures! I kept hoping, since there was no discernable story arc, that maybe — just maybe — they were ending the movie right here. For forty-five minutes, I hoped for that. Sigh…

The bottom line is, if you’re looking for an unconventional vampire flick (with the same gimmick for the ending, no less), pick up Near Dark. If you want to be real nice, you could rent every copy of Red-Blooded American Girl you can find and dub Near Dark over them. In fact, dubbing just about anything over this waste of tape would be a boon to mankind.

Some more random comments:

Definitely shot in Canada — if all the actors who’ve guested on Highlander didn’t clue you in, the giant billboard for Molson Ale should have. Need I point out the jawdropping irony of a movie entitled Red-Blooded American Girl being shot in Toronto?

As far as I’m concerned, any character who utters the line, “Oh yeah, baby, do it to me” deserves whatever foul fate they will ultimately receive.

So, Owen has two beds — a purple one for normal sleeping, and a white one with lace curtains for sim-sex? Gee, I wonder how often a reclusive chemistry geek gets to use bed #2.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 1
• breasts: 2
• pasty male butts: 1 (seen twice!)
• explosions: 0
• dream sequences: 0 (aside from the hallucinations I experienced due to plot deprivation)
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 1
  • Christopher Plummer starred in Star Trek 6 as General Chang