• Written and directed by Jake West
• Starring
  • Eileen Daly
  • Christopher Adamson
  • Jonathan Coote
  • Grahame Woode

There are movie concepts that seem to come pre-packaged — you just say a handful of words to describe it, and the full plot and tenor of the movie spring directly to mind. “Cowboys and dinosaurs.” “Captain Kirk vs. God.” “Vampire hitwoman.” They’re so overflowing with cinematic possibility, it seems almost incredible that no one had made the movie already. But it seems the tendency for the filmmakers to then rely almost solely on the magic inherent in the concept, without actually making a movie which surpasses and builds upon the platform of said concept. I mean, a great idea gives you joy for about three seconds; but can you get the same effect if that idea, spread over ninety minutes, is all you have to keep you enthused? The Valley of Gwangi realized the idea with Ray Harryhausen special effects, but still didn’t go much further than the initial concept. Star Trek 5 relied on one-liners and fan-pandering in-jokes, and then threw on some stuff about, you know, God and stuff. And Razor Blade Smile… You can almost see it jump off the page, right? Writer/director Jake West goes out of his way to provide a rich visual support to the themes inherent in the initial pitch, but somehow all of the coolness seems to be squeezed directly from those words: “Vampire hitwoman.”

I wanted to like this movie. I really really did. But I’m not sure I’ve been able yet to convince myself that I actually did like it.

We open with a black ‘n’ white flashback to, what, the late eighteenth century? (I’m not good good at identifying historical costume.) A pistol duel is about to take place on the grounds of an English manor house between a handsome nebbish and scar-cheeked Sethane Blake (Christopher Adamson), the very obvious heavy. Hoping to avert the death of her young love, young Lilith Silver (Eileen Daly) rushes in, but too late — Sethane’s bullet finds its mark. In desperation, Lilith pulls a gun of her own and shoots Sethane — who laughs it off. Then Silver is shot from behind by Sethane’s second.

And owing to Sethane’s quick “save,” Lilith Silver is now a vampire.

Fast forward to the future for the rest of the plot: Lilith is now a leather-clad vampire hitwoman known to the police as “the Angel of Death,” and her main main pursuit of late has been a series of hits on people whose only outward similarity is that they all wear little “seeing eye” rings, such as you find in a biker shop. She apparently spends the rest of her time in a gothic bar called “Transilvania” [sic], arguing with gothic vampire wanna-be’s about what a vampire would really do with her time.

Things heat up when the organization under fire, The Illuminati (no, it’s really the Illuminati, honest), takes steps to protect themselves from her. Oh, and guess who’s apparently the head of the Illuminati? That’s right, Sethane Blake himself. Blake siccs his pet policeman on the case, Detective Inspector Price (Jonathan Coote), who manages to find a witness to identify Lilith: The widow of her last hit.

Meanwhile, Lilith has her secure computer info guy, The Chill Pilgrim, look into these rings and stuff, which is when she finds out that she’s up against the real Illuminati, a secret organization which the Pilgrim declares is “totally uncrackable” in their secrecy. (Yup, they just all go around wearing really distinctive rings and nobody notices anything. Isn’t that how it works?)

From here on out, it’s a big complex set of hunters and hunteds, with Lilith trying to keep the annoying detective off her tail long enough for her to find out who these people are she’s killing, as well as who hired her. Oh, and she offs the most annoying of the gothic wanna-be’s. (Hope that doesn’t ruin too much for you.)

As I mentioned, a lot of work went into the visuals here. Lilith’s catsuit is exactly what you’d expect from a vampire hitwoman (damn, I like saying that), with filtered and imaginatively-edited shots that give it that same frenetic, visionary feel as something like Blade. Or at least Blade’s poorer British cousin. West even manages to pull off having vampires out in daylight without lessening their gothic attitude (unlike, for instance, Night Hunter). The music is also effective, again much like the caffeinated techno score of Blade. (The comparisons between these two movies could lead to an interesting study in cross-Atlantic parallel development, but someone else will have to write it.)

Yet somehow, something’s missing. Maybe it’s that noted British reserve which keeps Razor Blade Smile from catching the same level of energy as Blade, to go with the MTV visuals. But whatever it is, the movie doesn’t maintain the impetus to keep us from noticing the problems (again, unlike Blade, which managed to keep your eyes so occupied, almost like sleight of hand, that you didn’t notice the story problems until you were halfway home).

Or maybe it’s the teeth. The obvious, blunt big-ass vampire teeth that look as fake as they are. That’s got to be one of the biggest disappointments here, as they detract from every scene in which they appear. Especially once Near Dark proved that teeth can even be dispensed with altogether in a vampire film (well, actually, Todd Browning’s Dracula pretty much proved that, but who thinks back that far?), I’m disappointed that West didn’t realize that bigger ain’t necessarily better. Distinct but small points on teeth are just as effective — and they actually allow the actors to deliver their lines without sounding like they’re talking around a jawbreaker.

The other major failing was the front-and-center references to the gothic vampire subculture. Somehow, highlighting the people who focus their lives on make-believe vampires only highlighted the fact that this movie is not reality; it is somebody’s wish fulfillment. And while that kind of self-referential treatment can be used to good effect in a comedy (for instance, Galaxy Quest), it really seems out of place in such a sombre movie as this.

Add to all of this a twist ending which not only came as a complete surprise, but also makes the viewer discard half of what he’s already seen, and we end up with a well-meaning movie that ultimately doesn’t quite cut the mustard. (Not to mention that the denouement, involving daylight vampires trying to decapitate each other, seems like another episode from the last season of Highlander: The Series.)

An interesting little cameo: David Warbeck (The Beyond) shows up as the medical examiner at one of Lilith’s crime scenes — an M.E. who’s earned the department nickname of “The Horror Movie Man.”

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 18
• breasts: 2
• explosions: 0
• dream sequences: 4
• flashbacks: 8
• ominous thunderstorms: 1
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0