• Directed by Bob Keen
• Written by John Brosnan, based on the novel by “Harry Adam Knight” (John Brosnan)
• Starring
  • Craig Fairbass
  • Toni Barry
  • William Marsh

… or, as I like to call it, Alien, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

Seems that a small crew of drug smugglers (three guys plus their girlfriends), including one big British bruiser (thus my subtitle), get on a yacht to make a connection and instantly (in the first two minutes of the film) have the boat explode and sink in the middle of the night in the Pacific (one assumes). They bicker as they float on their lifeboat, then find an abandoned oil rig in the middle of nowhere.

But it’s not just an oil rig; it’s a carfully disguised genetic engineering lab. And it’s deserted, but there’s something still there…

Blah blah blah. A lot of pointless bickering among unsympathetic characters — I mean, they’re all drug runners (and no, girlfriend, whining that you wish your boyfriend had never gotten involved in this doesn’t cut it), they’re all scrappy and rude… The Brit is revealed near the end to actually be an undercover cop, but it’s too late — we needed a reason to like someone sooner than a full hour into the movie.

The monster, by the way, is officially named Proteus. At least, that’s the name of the “packet of DNA” that the scientists perfected which was “capable of instant evolution.” In their testing, the scientists inserted said DNA into a shark (nicknamed “Charlie”), so that means that the monster is a morphing intelligent super-shark creature which eats people, absorbs their knowledge, and can mimic them at will. Think of a really inferior version of The Thing, and you’ll be getting close.

Now, I’ve got no major problem with scripts that completely misuse the entire concept of DNA. Sure, the scriptwriter assumed the audience was ignorant, but I’m used to that. But they then violated every bit of common sense. In the end, Charlie shows his true form, transforming from a 130-lb woman to an 8-ton tentacled shark thingie. Hello, where was he hiding the mass? I mean, you just can’t fold that much tissue into a well-aerobicized actress.

In fact, there are a lot of just plain stupid details. For instance:

- The upper levels of the rig all have about an inch of water on the floor, dripping down the walls. Where’s the water coming from, and why aren’t the lower levels flooded?

- People are firing automatic weapons all the time in the close confines of steel corridors, and no one once says, “Hey, that hurt my ears!” By all rights, everyone should have been deaf from the moment someone first pulled the trigger till the closing credits rolled.

- One chick, Linda, goes hysterical when her boyfriend is nabbed by the creature. She keeps insisting, “We’ve got to find Paul!” Then suddenly, half way through, she becomes The Strong Chick. Why? (Simple. The Brit’s girlfriend, who up to now has been the Strong Chick, is about to be taken over by Charlie. Gotta have one Strong Chick at all times, you know.)

- When one girl gets slashed up by Charlie, they take her to the infirmary and manage to hook her up to the cardiograph. Hello? These losers know how to do that? And then they go behind the curtain and have a conversation, while the creature takes over the girl. The beeping increases to a fever pitch — and no one notices! I mean, she flatlines before anyone hears her gasp and comes to check on her! “Yeah, let’s hook up this monitoring equipment so that we can ignore it with all our might.”

Oh yeah, it appears that heroin confuses Charlie, and it’s developed an addiction from the other scientists (because everyone knows you shouldn’t go to work on a secret offshore lab without bringing your stash.) Well gee, guess what drug one of the smugglers is carrying in large quantities in his money belt? Wow, how convenient!

But in case we think this is a stupid movie, the screenwriter was sophisticated enough to name the head scientist Dr. Shelley. See, it’s a literary reference, OK? To Mary Shelley, who wrote Frankenstein, because they’ve created their own Frankenstein monster here — isn’t that clever? Sigh…

It’s not bad enough to inspire true contempt, but it’s pointless enough to be unworthy of your time.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 9
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 19 (many of which were pointlessly incendiary light fixtures)
• dream sequences: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 1
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0