• Directed by Paul Lynch
• Written by Robert Cooper
• Starring
  • Shannon Tweed
  • Robert Davi
  • Andrew Clay
  • Roddy Piper

All right, moviemaker types. Gather round, for your old Uncle Nathan has something of great import to whisper in yours ears.

Sitting good and close? Great. Now listen up.

No more Die Hard ripoffs!

I mean, come on! The first time, it’s great. The second time, sure. The third, fourth, fifth, sixth times, well, there are all sorts of tastes. But there’s a point of diminishing returns for using the same damned plot over and over and over again.

In this case, it’s even the variation of “Die Hard on a _____”, which varies the location (plane, train, boat, space station, Hoover Dam, etc.). Instead, it’s “Die Hard in a skyscraper — with beauty contestants.”

Specifically, it’s Shannon Tweed in the Bruce Willis role. See, the 25th Annual Miss Galaxy contest is being held as the inaugural event of a brand-new high rise hotel, and Sharon Bell (Tweed), a former winner who then went on to a career of action flicks, is the hostess. Unfortunately, a mercenary named Oz (Andrew Clay¹ decides this is also the perfect venue to take over to make some demands. And Miss France, who was seconds before crowned the new Miss Galaxy, becomes Oz’s object lesson to show how serious he is. Suddenly Miss Canada, seconds before the first runner-up, is the new Miss Galaxy.

But wait. Miss USA just happens to be a senator’s daughter, and has her own bodyguard — Crane (Robert Davi), an ex-State Dept. spook with a bad leg. He gets tossed out on his keister with the spectators when the terrorists clear the building, but because he knows this type of scum really well, he quickly becomes part of the police’s anti-terrorist siege outside. (Essentially, the Reginald VelJohnson part from Die Hard, but without the donuts.)

The terrorists take the multi-ethnic finalists and Bell hostage in the penthouse, make a demand for ten million dollars in diamonds, and generally act like these guys are supposed to. And yes, I’m finally going to mention Roddy Piper. He’s a terrorist named Ice, and he essentially plays the Alexander Godunov part from Die Hard. But here’s the problem: he’s Roddy Piper. Big, affable Roddy Piper. He may be tough, he may be slightly imposing, but I’ve got a hard time swallowing the idea that he’s a cruel bad-ass, especially when he’s just there with his normal floppy blond hair. This lesson, I think, was not lost on the powers that be behind Terminal Rush; at least there, they gave Roddy that ridiculous raccoon makeup and finger-gelled hair, so he doesn’t look like a cuddly bear. (Terminal Rush got something right? Whoa…)

Anyway. Shannon Tweed is playing the Bruce Willis part, so she manages to use her “feminine wiles” on Vic (Nicholas Campbell), the one terrorist who doesn’t know that Sharon Bell is a big kung fu star — as one character says, “Bruce Lee with boobs.”

Now, let’s stop right there. Shannon Tweed gets plenty of combat scenes, and I’ll say this for her, she obviously works out (got some great leg flexibility there), but it’s pretty obvious that she’s not a for-real fighter; it takes an awful lot of fancy editing to make her fight scenes even semi-believable. Between that and the fact that she holds guns like she was just handed a dead rat, and I have a lot of trouble with the whole kung fu characterization. To be honest, this is probably a role that Cynthia Rothrock would have done better. On the other hand, Cynthia’s just plain not as easy on the eyes. Let’s face it, Shannon Tweed is gorgeous, especially for being 37 when this was made; so it’s probably a good trade-off. (She’s also from Newfoundland; hooray for Atlantic Canada!)

Anyway, Sharon manages to get Vic away from the pack for some “private time,” disarms him, gets a cell-phone to talk to Crane and the police outside, and… well, you know. You’ve seen Die Hard.

As it always must be with these movies, there’s more than the normal motives behind Oz’s choice of venues. See, he used to work for Miss USA’s father, Senator Wilson (John Colicos), on some shady deals — so not only does he know that the senator has access to the required ten million in diamonds, but he’s striking back for having been left out to dry with some Colombian, ah, businessmen.

Put all this together and you have… well, another Die Hard clone. What disappointed me is that the filmmakers missed a really obvious angle that could have added some interest to the proceedings. See, Sharon Bell is an action movie star — but what are the odds she’s actually beaten up a thug before? Or handled a weapon with live ammunition and real recoil? (Of course, everything here is taking place in the Recoilless Universe, which we have previously visited; otherwise, how could a stick-thin beauty contestant later fire a Glock one-handed without the least kick?) They could easily have played off the difference between the “movie violence” to which Bell is accustomed, and the real mayhem going on around her. But I guess that kind of thought is not to be expected from a production of this caliber.

Now, since I’m reviewing this as part of the Roddy Piper Video Binge, I’d really like to say more about his performance — but there honestly isn’t much more to say. However, when I saw Richard Waugh playing Senator Wilson’s assistant, I realized that there’s a whole crowd of people with whom Roddy has worked multiple times running around here. To wit:

• Shannon Tweed (Tag Team)
• Richard Waugh (Terminal Rush)
• Robert Davi (The Bad Pack)
• Nicholas Campbell (Jungleground)
• Roger Stalwert (the hotel owner’s son)(Jungleground)

In fact, I started hunting (with no success) for some other regular Piper co-stars: Miles O’Keeffe (“How Much Keeffe?” — Dead Tides, Marked Man), Meg Foster (They Live, Immortal Combat), and Tyrone Benskin (Marked Man, Sci-Fighters).

Hey, I had to do something to keep myself interested.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 34
• breasts: 0 (Um, what was their target audience, exactly?)
• explosions: 4
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 1
  • John Colicos (Senator Wilson) played the Klingon captain Kor in the original episode “Errand of Mercy” and in several episodes of DS9

1. No ‘Dice’? Remember, this is just when he was gearing up for Bless This House, his ill-advised foray into sitcoms. [back]