Cold Fusion Video Reviews

• Written, produced, and directed by Rick Popko and Dan West
• Starring
  • Beth West
  • Paul Weiner
  • Dan Burr
  • Rick Popko
  • Dan West

There are subgenres which can accomodate more and more and still more entries. Witness the Alien ripoffs, and the “someone killed my master, and I’m taking revenge” American martial arts movies. On the other end of the spectrum, there are subgenres that are exactly one movie wide. No one, for instance, will ever want another talking vagina movie (although the flipside, the talking penis movie, already has at least two entries).

Monsturd is another movie which encompasses an entire subgenre, without room for further entries. Because really, who is ever going to say, “We need another giant killer poopie movie”?

A beaker of colored liquid? But that must mean — there’s SCIENCE going on here!

In time-honored fashion, the plot spring into action with the confluence of two well-worn cliches: The escaped convict — one Jack Schmitt, and the nefarious biotech company — DuTech, run by the evil Dr. Stern. And if you’re noting a lack of actor credits, here, you’re right. That’s what happens when nobody bothers to include “this role played by this actor” credits on either the video or the website.

Anyway. DuTech, being a big industrial corporation, is naturally EE-vil, and is thus doing forbidden biotech research. When a leak exposes one of his researchers to a substances that turns her fact to grape jelly, Dr. Stern isn’t going to let little things like a police investigation or OSHA slow him down, so he tosses her body into a vat of acid and, along with sidekick Jimmy, goes off to find a residential sewer grate to dump the liquified remains.

Dr. Stern’s Home-Style Preserves.

Meanwhile, FBA Agent Hannigan (I can reasonably infer that this is Beth West, given her top billing), the person who put Schmitt away, is called out, and gets together with the Butte County Sheriff’s Office, which seems to be comprised of the young but hard-drinking Sheriff Duncan (again, inferring that it’s Paul Weiner), a female deputy who promptly disappears, and two yokel comic-relief deputies (deducing their credits is a little harder, but I’m going to guess that it’s the writer/directors Rick Popko and Dan West).

This fearsome force of lawpeople chases Schmitt into the (suspiciously-dry) sewer system, where he naturally gets chased into the same holding tank that the liquified remains of the contaminated scientist end up in, and the chemicals are still strong enough that they dissolve his flesh.

Hey! It’s my college apartment!

The cops quarantine the suspicious tank and take samples, but that night, Dr. Stern sneaks into the sewage treatment plant and re-releases that tank’s contents into the sewer system to cover his tracks. Too late, the FBI examines Hannigan’s sample and discovers that Schmitt’s DNA has somehow crossbred with an unknown strain of bacteria. (Gotta love the way Hannigan reacts: “Bacteria??” As if the idea that a tank of sewage might actually be host to some strain of germ is completely alien to her. Bet she never washes her hands when she leaves the ladies’ room, either.)

And then the mysterious deaths begin. First a sewer worker is stalked by a shadowy, stinky something, leading to the discovery of his badly mutilated corpse (which causes the comic-relief deputies to “lose their donuts” for minutes on end). Then it’s townsfolk, caught in their own bathrooms — crime scenes found doused in crap, with messages like “Don’t get caught with your pants down” scrawled fecally on the walls. Bathroom killings and pithy sayings were Jack Schmitt’s calling card; could he have been resurrected — as a shitman?

Law enforcement in action.

Given the premise, the treatment given here is actually very restrained. Yes, there are all those semi-subtle character and place names (Butte County, DuTech, Dr. Stern — are you laughing yet?), and yes, double entendres involving the words “crap,” shit,” and “ass” are plentiful. The silliest scenes largely revolve around the two deputies (yet more evidence that they’re the writer/directors, giving themselves the funny bits), but most of their gags are unrelated to the premise; one of them practicing his police brutality on his hippie marionette is funny, but it’s almost a non-sequitur. For most of it, the basic premise — “It’s a shit monster!” — is expected to carry the day.

Not that it all falls flat because of that. Playing off genre conventions, we get the standard “The beaches must stay open!” scenario, although in this case it’s the annual Chili Cook-Off that can’t be cancelled, even though chili means bowel movements which will force people into their unsafe bathrooms. And by the end, pretensions of mock seriousness are finally dispensed with, and the gendarmerie descends into the sewer using diapers as body armor, wielding supersoakers filled with Pepto Bismol. But it feels like things finally ramp up for over-the-top humor a bit too late.

“Once I kill Riker, I will be Number One!”

Mind you, even if it’s not the Killer Klowns From Outer Space of toilet humor I was hoping for, it’s still the best killer poopie movie you’ll probably ever see. The soundtrack is full of good chunky humor, and watching Dr. Stern try to lure his misbegotten creation out with a bucketful of corn and peanuts while unabashedly making moist fart sounds is good entertainment all around. And the promo press kit included a Monsturd-branded chocolate bar. In other words, it may be no Killer Klowns, but it’s still head and shoulders above Jack Frost.

Some Notable Quotables:

“You’ve been watching too many crappy horror movies, Sheriff.”

- Agent Hannigan

“This is madness, Doctor!”
“No, Timmy, this is science!”

- Timmy and Dr. Stern

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 11
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 1
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0 (although the shitman does bear a resemblance to Armus, the Tasha-killing sludge-creature from the TNG episode “Skin of Evil”)