• Directed by Marc F. Voizard
• Written by Thomas Ritz
• Starring
  • Roddy Piper
  • Jane Wheeler
  • Miles O’Keeffe
  • Chris Bolton
  • Alina Thompson
• Produced by Pierre David and Stefan Wodoslawsky

Remember that scene in Scream? You know the one, where the kid enumerates “The Rules” of surviving a horror movie. It’s the scene that most people think is oh-so-clever, although those of us who’ve been watching horror flicks for years are kind of confused; isn’t that information we have with us from birth?

However, outside of the horror genre, people sometimes forget that there are more universal rules of the same caliber — you know, about never saying, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” or never letting the other person go first when you both start sentences at the same time. And here’s one to tattoo on your eyelids so you’ll see it every time you blink in bright light:

Never ever tell someone how much they mean to you — especially out of the blue, apropos of nothing.

This entire movie demonstrates the importance of that rule.

Roddy Piper is Frank Gibson, formerly troubled youth now an upstanding mechanic. He’s got two people he cares about: his younger (much, much younger — like by about twenty years) brother Andy, who’s been in and out of trouble and is finally getting on his feet; and his live-in girlfriend — don’t even bother learning her name, because Roddy turns to her for no reason as they’re closing the garage and says, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” etc. Life expectancy at this point: twenty seconds. Sure enough, she goes outside to pull in the open side and gets plowed by a drunk driver, dying seconds later in Gibson’s arms. And when the driver offers Gibson money to make it all okay (”The last thing I need is another DUI” he says — I dunno, a vehicular manslaughter rap might be worse), Gibson lets loose with a mighty punch that knocks the sot headfirst onto the concrete pedestal around the pumps. Great. Now we’ve got two corpses.

Wwe get a quick voiceover of the judge sentencing Gibson to three years in minimum security for 2nd-degree manslaughter (hello? did he just happen to get The Hanging Judge in what was obviously an accidental death case?), and then we’re with Gibson in prison, where apparently bare-knuckle matches in the gym are all find and dandy. (It’s nice to note that Gibson has also been taking advantage of the prison bodywaxing salon.) Gibson, being a nice guy, gets along with most anybody — an exception being Elkins (David Nichols), a finance guy doing three years for major hoodwinking and bilking. Which makes Gibson an excellent patsy, as a couple of days later, thinking that everyone is out of the prison garage, two prison guards drop an engine block on Elkins. Unfortunately, Gibson had been washing his hands thoroughly before going to lunch, and stumbles in on the “accident.” Boom. Suddenly he’s running from two armed guards.

Now, I’m not an expert in criminal science, but I did graduate high school in Kingston, Ontario, a town with seven correctional facilities within a fifteen-mile radius. And while this may not be a universal practice, I’ve noticed that where feasable, prisons like to have big empty fields surrounding their walls and fences — that way, if a prisoner climbs and flips his way over the barbed wire, like Gibson does here, they’ve got a clear shot at the man. This prison, however, is different; directly outside the fence is miles and miles of wooded countryside. Perfect for an escaped incarceree to elude his pursuers, which is exactly what Gibson does (taking out one of the crooked guards in the process).

Now, here’s where the geography gets a little confusing for me. I’m not sure where Gibson’s garage is, but the prison is ostensibly in Massachusetts, so I’ll assume that’s the state in which Gibson committed his offense. (The whole thing was really shot in and around Montreal, but that’s beside the point.) But the prison is apparently only a few miles from the New York border, and Gibson heads immediately for Albany. Which just happens to be where Elkins is from. And where FBI Agent Gallagher (Jane Wheeler), investigating Gibson’s escape, is headquartered in the local cop shop. And where Gibson’s brother Andy works in a pool hall. And where the surviving dirty guard, Pappas (Dennis O’Connor), lives. Howcum none of this stuff is in Massachusetts?

Roddy makes it through the woods (thanks to picking up a fisherman’s ATV), and does a very smart thing: He looks up Pappas in the phone book, and since there’s only one, he’s got a lead on the dirty guard. See, this is smart, because I would have assumed, “Hey, if doctors and high school teachers have unlisted numbers, there’s no way a prison guard’s going to be in the book,” but there he was, which shows how much I know. Unfortunately, Pappas has a previous visitor, by the name of Vince Mallick (Miles O’Keeffe — all together now, “How much Keeffe?” — wearing the same ponytail-and-beard look he’d later have in Dead Tides (1997). See, Vince hired Pappas, and now Pappas is a loose end. Oh, and Vince is also a former cop, and runs a security agency. All clear?

Which leaves Gibson with the corpse of Pappas, but at least he’s smart enough to grab Pappas’ mail for clues — one of which is a long-distance call to a certain number over and over again, always at 2pm. (Wait — isn’t this all taking place in Albany? So why’s it long-distance?)

So he goes to the only other person who can help him: His brother Andy, who’s happy to repay the favors he’s gotten over the years.

What follows is a lot of detective work on Gibson’s part, plus a fair amount of dumb luck. You’ve got Mallick and his goons, the FBI agent (who, it must be said, ain’t nearly as interesting a character as Tommy Lee Jones’ in The Fugitive — speaking of which, shouldn’t the U.S. Marshalls be tracking an escaped prisoner, instead of the FBI?), Elkins’ widow (Alina Thompson) and his teenaged daughter by his first marriage — and it all boils down to a lot of chases and a boatload of fistfights.

While this isn’t nearly as sophisicated as The Fugitive, it does fall into the “dumb but fun” category; there’s nothing particularly right about it, but on the other hand there’s nothing really wrong with it. Sure, Gibson just happens to luck onto a couple of clues to the whole conspiracy, and sure, the finale takes place in an industrial park just so there’ll be lots of catwalks to shoot from — but those are to be expected.

In fact, my major complaint will seem to be a nitpick to many. Here we’ve got a fugitive from the police, known to be in the city — would a disguise be an idea to consider? Sure, Gibson dons a ballcap a couple of times (like, when they literally fall into his lap) — but if you’re going to walk down the sidewalk in broad daylight, something else might be called for (especially because, in one scene, a cop appears to be able to recognize Gibson at 100 feet, with his back to the cop, wearing the ballcap). Buzz the hair? Color it? Slick it back, for crying out loud?

What can I say? I not only like Roddy Piper, but I like Roddy Piper movies — in which a personable everyman is put in a situation of jeopardy. It’s not high art, but it’s fun viewing.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 7
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 1
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0 (on the other hand, just about everybody except Piper and O’Keeffe appeared on one of the early Scanners movies)