Lady Ninja: Reflections of Darkness (1996)

Posted on Feb 23, 2002 under Exploitation, Martial arts |

Directed by Masara Tsushima
Story by Futaro Yamada
Starring
- Yuka Ohnishi
- Tetsuo Karata
- Rina Kitahara
- Miho Nomoto
- Chisato Naruse

The B-Masters Cabal has again conspi– uh, collaborated to bring you the best in synchronized trash cinema. And the potential for trash is even higher than normal this time, as we’ve collectively decided to bring you a wide selection of that appropriately little-appreciated genre, ninja movies. (When you’re done here, click the logo on the right to explore further the world of the Silent Warrior.)

Last time out, we picked movies for each other (akin to giving us each a pointy stick and a clear shot at each other’s asscheeks). This time out, we all chose our own. So I have no one to blame but myself.

Ouch. I just poked my own asscheek again.

Part of the problem here may be that oh-so-gritty English title. My Japanese ain’t what it used to be, so I can’t translate the original Japanese title for you, but a more appropriate English title would be along the lines of Bubblegum Sex Ninja or something. Because this is not a movie to take seriously, not even as seriously as you’d take one of those Ho/Tang spliced-together Hong Kong “ninja” flicks.

But it isn’t exactly a comedy, either — at best it’s what I call “comedy by fiat,” i.e., nothing here is meant to be taken seriously, so it therefore must be a comedy by process of elimination, despite the fact that very little is actually humorous.

Evidence that a Japanese man will, on occasion, check the map, unlike his American counterpart.

During the Edo period (listen to the dubbing, and you get to hear them mispronounce “Edo” about a jillion times), the Shogun Yoshimune was the spearhead of an austere and morally conservative regime. Too bad that he got caught keeping a bevy of mistresses on the side. His arch-rival, Muneharu, decides to also seek out the Shogun’s former liaisons to further embarrass him. (Which seems pretty useless to me — once Bill was caught with Monica, who cared about Paula anymore?)

In defense, the Shogun’s right-hand man hires young warrior Kotaro to eliminate the three former mistresses. Kotaro in turn hires four female Iiga ninjas: Ohan the smart one, Orui the sexpot, Oren the “frosty” one, and Oyui the leader. (No, the closing credits weren’t kind enough to tell me who played who.) And the first thing you’ll notice about these ninjas is that, well, they don’t look like ninjas. I know what ninjas look like; they dress in black with hoods and stuff. These four look like fantasy manga characters brought to life complete with brightly-colored short skirts.

(How hard is to root for “heroes” who do what bad guys do? Very hard.)

Thus, the pattern is set. Each of the mistresses is being sought by one of the Koga ninjas in the employ of Muneharu (and no, they don’t dress like ninjas either), only to be met and fought by the ninja babes, one of whom will usually take the lead in fighting each of the Koga ninjas.

Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

“So — if she weighs the same as a duck…”

The first mistress, who had been into pain and such with the young Shogun (and course we get to see flashbacks — how else could we get the requisite nudity?), is found by a flute-wielding Koga who merges her into the body of a witch being taken in a case to Edo to stand trial. (Guess what movie I immediately started thinking about when the townspeople proclaimed, “A witch! A witch!”) The Koga ninja is met and fought by Orui, in one of those ninja matches where each uses “ninja magic,” and must proclaim the name of the magical technique they’re about to use before they do so. The Koga ninja, it happens, uses the “Third Leg” spell…

And oh goodie. We’re treated to a view of his long, cobra-like penis snaking out of his pants and extending itself twelve feet to force its way between Orui’s legs. After gasping in ecstasy for a few seconds, she counters with a spell that inflates his entire organ like a balloon until it pops. Now there’s an image that will stick with a guy like peanut butter on the roof of his mouth. (The Kogas do kill the mistress before the ninja chicks can, though, which makes absolutely no sense to me. But I think I’m looking for logic in all the wrong places.)

The next former mistress is currently a nun, who’s taken a shine to the leader of a performing troupe, and after getting all hot and groiny with him, decides to leave the convent and go with him. The next Koga ninja kills the troupe leader and takes his place, guiding the troop to Edo. Oren attacks him, and they spend some time shooting fireworks back and forth, then he uses an ice magic to freeze her solid and bust her into pieces. (At some point during the battle she became topless, too. In case you wondered.) But she’s still got some spunk — her detached head flies around and bites him through the neck. (And here I thought that having a flying biting head made any move automatically good.) The nun, meanwhile, kills herself for leaving her vows to pursue her lusts.

Go go Lady Ninjas, you Mighting Morphin’ Lady Ninjaaaaas!

In the meantime, a gaijin ninja girl has magicked her way into the Shogun’s palace and seduced him, managing to use magic to project their “activities” into the sky for all the people of Edo to see. Which just makes me wonder further — after all that the Shogun’s subjects have seen, what difference will the former mistresses make? No matter, Kotaro stops her with a mystical ninja lightningbolt.

You know, there are more attacks, and another former mistress to eliminate (plus the current one, who’s inconveniently gotten herself pregnant), and some more ninja magic (including Orui choking a man to death on her breastmilk with the “Death Lactic” spell, and Ohan pummelling a man with pingpong balls shot from the most unlikely of places), plus handfuls of generic ninja cannon fodder (at least they look like ninjas). But I gotta tell you. I’m not enjoying the telling. I just plain didn’t like this movie.

Now, you may be asking yourself, “Is this the same guy who enjoyed High School Ghosthustlers?” Yup, that’s me — I readily admitted to having fun with a movie that features phallus slugs. Can I justify it? Not really, but at least I can tell you some of the differences between the movies:

“Alas, poor Yorick…”

- High School Ghosthustlers: Teen ghostbuster girls. Cute premise. Lady Ninja: Cute ninja girls who kill former mistresses to save the Shogun embarrassment. Not cute premise.

- High School Ghosthustlers: Japanese schoolgirls who not only looked cute, they acted cute and fun. Lady Ninja: Japanese ninja girls who look cute, but act like they’re trying to be all stern and business-like (and do it poorly). Not fun.

- High School Ghosthustlers: Icky sex, milked for laughs. Lady Ninja: Icky sex, presented to us as if it were in and of itself humorous. It’s not.

- High School Ghosthustlers: Simple plot, no more than is needed to hold their adventures together. Lady Ninja: Too danged much plot, none of which moves events forward or makes much difference even if you bother to try to understand it.

- High School Ghosthustlers: The filmmakers know that icky sex isn’t really sexy. Lady Ninja: The filmmakers seem to think that icky sex is, after all, sexy. It’s not.

Not unlike the yo-yo, Silly String was a deadly weapon long before it became a children’s plaything.

Sure, there are a couple of chuckles here, but they didn’t actually come from the movie. The “A witch!” scene got me thinking about The Holy Grail, but that only made me wish that I were watching it instead. And naturally, all the talk about leaders losing respect once their sexual escapes are public can’t help but bring the Clinton scandals to mind. But that’s not exactly yuk-a-minute material, and it just brought home to me how damned bored I was.

Here are words that I never thought I’d say: I wish I had chosen a Thomas Tang pseudo-ninja movie instead. Sure, those movies are atrociously bad, and I would probably have spent ninety minutes railing at the screen and cursing the parents that spawned Tang, but it would at least have roused an emotion. Lady Ninja just proved tedious for me. I’d much rather either cheer a movie on or cursing its very existence than simply wait dejectedly for the closing credits.