Cold Fusion Video Reviews

• Directed by Don Chaffey
• Written by Beverley Cross and Jan Read
• Starring
  • Todd Armstrong
  • Nancy Kovack
  • Gary Raymond
  • Laurence Naismith
• Produced by Ray Harryhausen and Charles H. Scheer

The road to adulthood is paved with burst bubbles. Eventually, everyone learns that Santa Claus is actually your dad in his pajamas, that the pop music of your teenaged years is not necessarily the pinnacle of musical art, and that standing alone against the wall at the dance looking sullen and mysterious does not make you a chick magnet. (I learned that one pretty quickly, actually.)

Every time another bubble bursts, you think, “Okay, this is it — my worldview is now fully informed.” And then another one goes, “Pop!”

And so discovery did I make this week that stole some of the magic from the world? That the name “Ray Harryhausen” on a movie does not guarantee that it will be fun.

Maybe it’s the fact that, as far as I can see, Greek myths on film don’t fare nearly as well as the Arabian Nights on film. Whatever the reason, this one fell flat for me (and, lest you think I’m just being a grown-up party-pooper, it fell flat for my six-year-old and my three-year-old too).

We open with the nefarious Pelias (Douglas Wilmer) using his army to wrest the kingdom from Oristo, even though his soothsayer has prophesied that one of Oristo’s children will someday overthrow him. Naturally, one of the children escapes, thanks to the endless machinations of Zeus (Niall MacGinnis) and Hera (Honor Blackman).

Fast-forward twenty years, where Hera arranges things so that Jason (Todd Armstrong) rescues Pelias from a river without finding out who he is. Jason spills the beans about who he is, and how he plans to take back the kingdom by the Rube Goldbergian plan of sailing to the ends of the world to find the Golden Fleece to excite the enthusiasm of the masses. Pelias, who has been warned by his soothsayer that he can’t simply kill Jason, instead throws his support wholeheartedly behind such an enterprise, and instructs his son Acastus (Gary Raymond) to be a part of the crew.

After then being taken to Olympus by Hermese to be introduced to Zeus and Hera (”Hi, you’re a gamepiece in our little contest, good luck”), Jason sets in on getting his ship built and rounding up a crew by tournament. (Among his crew are the brain-and-brawn friends of Hylas (John Cairney) and Hercules (Nigel Green).) His ship has an interesting feature; the masthead of Hera, instead of facing forward from the prow, faces forward from the stern to watch over the crew. (It also talks to Jason from time to time, but that’s not the kind of thing you want to spread around.)

And they’re off! Their first stop is the Isle of Bronze, where the Hera Head instructs Jason to have his men collect food and water and nothing else. Naturally, Hercules and Hylas take one teeny-weeny spear from a giant treasure trove, and wake a colossal bronze statue from off its pedestal.

Finally! Some Harryhausen action! The big, creaky, verdigris-covered statue is pretty impressive — almost. There’s a weird jerk to its motions, which looks like the finished stop-motion footage was slowed in spots to fill out the scene; unfortunately, the end result is that, well, it looks exactly like the footage was slowed in spots. It’s just an aded little distraction in the stop-motion, and it’s an added irritant here.

The same problem shows on the next island, where Jason stops to ask advice of blind Phineas (Patrick Troughton!), who’s being harassed by stop-motion harpies. Jason’s crew nets them and cages them for Phineas, in return for guidance to the fleece.

Unfortunately, that route takes them directly through the Clashing Rocks, a narrow, cliff-lined channel which likes to crunch ships. Now, this sounds like a pretty groovy scene, right? Unfortunately, it takes sooooo damned long, that it actually ends up being boring. Malicious cliffs, ho hum.

Making it through thanks to a manifestation of Poseidon summoned by a talisman that Phineas gave him, Jason discovers a survivor of the last ship that tried to come through from the other direction: Medea, high priestess of Hecate in the city which currently possesses the fleece. And here we find the ethical dilemma: How can Jason justify stealing the fleece, which grants peace and good health and such on the city that has it, simply because he wants it for his home town? Why is his city more important than this one?

Pretty good ethical dilemma, huh? Unfortunately, no one actually mentions it. It never comes up. Now, I can understand that in the original myth; morality had very limited application in the ancient world, and rarely extended to Other People. But it really galls me that a 20th-century production could blithely ignore any sort of ethical qualms in this and simply present the story as told: “Jason wants the fleece, so it’s okay for him to take it.”

Instead, Medea instantly falls in love with Jason and switches sides to help him steal the fleece, despite the best efforts of the king and Acastus, as well as a stop-motion hydra and a bevy of stop-motion skeletons. Yeah, these last scenes are okay, but that weird slowed-down film thing keeps happening during the stop-motion bits, and that whole ethical thing still hung like a pall over the proceedings.

So eventually Jason ends up with the fleece and the girl. The end.

And if that ending seems abrupt, you’ve discovered my third big beef: The movie doesn’t end with the resolution of the problem that started it. If you’ll recall, we started with Pelias overthrowing Jason’s dad, and Jason being prophesied to return the favor. Yet none of that is referenced in the conclusion; in fact, we haven’t even seen Pelias since the first fifteen minutes. Jason gets the fleece, and the movie’s over. Big whoopey.

Lest you think I’m just being finicky about all the problems I had with this movie, all I can say is: Hey, be honest. Compare this with, say, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad. Not only was there stop-motion galore (as opposed to waiting a half hour here to see anything), but that story moved along at a good clip, the romantic element didn’t seem like an obligatory adornment, and there were no scenes composed wholly of Greeks shouting at each other. (All right, so that last one may be a bit off-sides…)

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 10
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 3 (every time Zeus gets angry)
• dancing girls: 14
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek:
  • Nancy Kovack (Medea) was “Nona” in the classic episode “A Private Little War”
  • John Crawford (Polydeuces) was “Commissioner Ferris” in the classic episode “The Galileo Seven”