Cold Fusion Video Reviews

aka Super Infra-Man

• Directed by Shan Hua
• Written by Peter Fernandez (English version)
• Starring
  • “Li Hsui-Hsien” (Danny Lee)
  • Terry Liu
  • Wang Hsieh
  • Yuan Man-Tzu
• Produced by Runme Shaw

[Note: If you think this review is longer than my usual, you're right, and you can blame Jabootu for that. I've been reading the wonderful reviews over at http://www.jabootu.com, and the length has rubbed off on me, resulting in the Kenn Beggian monstrosity below. Heaven help us all.]

Usually, the corporate powers-that-be behind the lion’s share of the b-movie crop have one thing in mind: the bottom line. Thus, originality is downplayed in favor of “sure things,” xeroxed crank-em-outs with a good chance of making back their minimal investment. (No, I didn’t get the permission of the Xerox Corporation to use their trademark as a verb.)

But sometimes, corporate decisions come along that stun even the most jaded b-watcher. Why are some good movies given lousy sequels (Exorcist 2)? For that matter, how do lousy movies continue to generate sequels (the entire Witchcraft series)? Why would Roger Corman, who only makes a memorable flick by accident, go to the trouble of re-making some of his serendipitous classics to prove that the previous success was a fluke (A Bucket of Blood, aka The Death Artist)?

And why, please, would the Shaw Brothers, whose Hong Kong movie factory ground out a plethora of dime-a-dozen kung fu flicks in the seventies, change gears to do a single sci-fi film — and a rip-off of Japanese superhero series like Ultraman, to boot?

Now, I gotta say, it’s a convincing ripoff — in the dubbed version (so you can’t tell their speaking Cantonese instead of Japanese), you can’t tell that it’s not one of the numerous “robot superhero who can grow giant-sized to fight rubber creatures” movies that are Japan’s main production genre. But why would a company from outside that whole filmmaking school undertake such a project? It’s as ridiculous as someone making a remake of a classic film like, say, Psycho, and then aping the entire script and camera angles of the original… never mind.

All of that being said: If you like the aforementioned “robot superhero who can grow etc.” genre, you’ll like Infra-man. It’s a fairly big “if,” though; despite the influence of bastardized, Americanized versions like the Power Rangers and Masked Rider, these flicks are still an acquired taste.

We open with a mini-bus of kids singing as they motor their way along a mountain road. All’s well, until some big rubber something lands on the road in front of the bus. It dissolves, and the road dissolves with it, cascading down the slope in an avalanche of dirt. The kids escape the bus, but the driver ain’t so lucky, and goes down with the ship.

From here, we go to — whole cities on fire! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! Dogs and cats, living together! Mass hysteria!

Reporters mob the (I kid you not) Science Headquarters, a large building in the middle of nowhere with a huge satellite dish, where the very important Dr. Chang (in the seventies, having glasses and a goatee meant you were important, not part of a grunge band) gets out of a limo, and, with noncommital comments to the press, enters the HQ. He immediately changes into a silver labcoat (!), just so he won’t clash with his staff, the Science Patrol, who all wear silver jumpsuits.

All right, I admit it, they’re never actually called the Science Patrol; in fact, I don’t recall them being called anything. But since that’s what Ultraman’s cohorts were called, and it sounds goofy enough, and they work at Science Headquarters for crying out loud, that’s what I’m going to call them. (And for the record, I also added that part about dogs and cats living together above.) There are more than the handful that usually makes up the world’s elite scientific fighting force, though; at least a couple dozen Patrolees run around the control room, pushing buttons at random and speaking technobabble.

Reports are coming in from all over (we assume that means “all over Hong Kong”) about monsters appearing and causing the current destruction (including the eruption of long-dormant Mt. Devil with a body count of 10,000). Chang turns their scanners on Mt. Devil, just in time to see — the top of the mountain crumble away, revealing a giant stone dragon’s head with a mouth that opens and closes!

As they stare open-mouthed at that, a regally-dressed blonde Asian (!) appears superimposed on the screen. (Was this a transmission intended especially for the Science HQ, or did a giant ghostly form actually appear at Mt. Devil? No matter.) She announces herself as Princess Dragomon (that’s what it sounded like to me — I’ve seen other reviewers write it as “Dragon Mom,” which certainly adds a new twist), and declares that the world is now hers! Hers to rule and control! Bwah-ha-ha-hah!

Immediately, the best course of action is followed: A whole bunch of people in dark suits meet in committee with Prof. Chang and say terribly obvious things about “having to fight back.” Chang does manage to sneak in the exposition that the Princess and her monster minions have been in hibernation since “before the Ice Age.” Since the figure of 10,000,000 years is also given, we must assume that they don’t mean the most recent Ice Age.

In any event, Chang recruits the heroic Lt. Rema (standard disclaimer: since the filmmakers declined to include closing credits, I’m responsible for all ridiculous spellings) to fight the Princess: He wants to change him into — Infra-Man!

A word here about that name: While technically it follows the supehero pattern of attaching a Latinate word to “man” (”Super-,” “Ultra-,” etc.), it has the drawback of an unheroic meaning; “infra” means “within” or “beneath.” Apparently, Chang felt that the world really needed a superhero named “Under-Man.” Of course, since the process of changing Rema into Infra-Man involves implanting a truckload of electronic parts inside his body, and since he can revert to his human form between heroic episodes, the “infra” could refer to the parts within his body… But I think I’ve put too much thought into this.

The Princess, meanwhile, realizes that Science Headquarters can be a threat, and has her trusted lieutenant, She-Demon (a bad-to-the-bone hottie with fakey taloned hands and eyes in each palm) bring out her collection of rubbery monsters. She selects two, a tentacled plant creature and one that looks like a mutated wide-mouthed frog with a drill on one arm and a hammer on the other; these will be her best henchmen throughout the movie. (A note on her little dragon palace: decorated in seventies pop-art skull motifs, it’s full to the brim of black-spandex guards with skull faces peeking through their black, horned motorcycles helmets. These, needless to say, are Cannon Fodder.)

While Chang prepares for the implantation, another of the Science Police, Tu-Ming, is kidnapped by the wide-mouthed frog and taken back to Mt. Devil…

The plant guy, meanwhile, trots right up to Science Headquarters and sinks into the ground. Moments later, huge vine-like tentacles erupt from the ground and shoot up the sides of the building, to the rounded, windowed room where the Science Patrol does whatever they do. The tentacles burst in the windows, and we’re treated to five minutes of Science Patrolees firing their pitiful pistols and dodging tentacles. (We also get to see one Patrolee, scrabbling across the floor away from a tentacle, who’s obviously developing a split in the crotch of his silver jumpsuit. This scene alone made the movie worthwhile for my five-year-old.)

In the next room over, Chang is feverishly transforming Rema into Infra-Man. The process seems to be to attach wires to him and fry him electrically. We see paintings of mechanical parts superimposed over Rema’s limbs, showing us the Infra-Man stuff is bonding with him. The tentacles momentarily interrupt the power, but due to the courage of one of the Science Patrol spearcarriers, it’s restored long enough to finish — Infra-Man! Time for four successive backflips!

And hoo boy, is he overdone! Dressed in bright red naugahyde, with painted motorcycle boots and gloves, and an oversized red head with an immobile silver face and the hugest dark blue bugeyes you ever saw. I mean, when Chang told him that he now had the power to look through walls, my reaction was, “No kidding — with peepers that huge, he should be able to look right through the earth and up the skirts of the girls in New England!” (Not that Infra-Man would have any such base motives, of course.)

So Infra-Man comes out and fights the tentacles, his fist sounding like pistons. At ground level, he punches the trunk of the tentacle tree so hard it reverts back into plant guy, and after a whole bunch of crazy-looking fighting, Infra-Man finally destroys him with itty-bitty fireworks. (How disappointing. I mean, this was made in Hong Kong, which was at least sort of part of China at the time — could’t they get ahold of some big mother fireworks?)

Meanwhile. Tu-Ming (remember him?) is tortured and brainwashed until he’s a willing servant of the Princess, with green glowing eyes. The glow burns out pretty quickly, and it’s a good thing — it would hamper his efforts to infiltrate Science Headquarters.

After the big fight, Chang evaluates Infra-Man’s performance in glowing terms. He also says he’s working on one more weapon to add to the mix: Thunderball Fists! (Yes, the exclamation point is part of the actual name.) Once Chang completes the Thunderball Fists!, Infra-Man will be all ready to take down the Princess and her minions.

Tu-Ming makes it back to Science Headquarters, dazed and looking like he’s been on a three-day crack binge. Chang tells him to go have a nap, and assigns a sergeant to monitor his odd activity. Apparently, the sergeant took the wrong moment for a donut break, because while he’s supposed to be watching Tu-Ming, Tu-Ming breaks into the supersecret room where the Infra-Man plans are and photographs them, then gets away thanks to his green glowing eyes.

Oh, yeah, it’s time for another monster attack, so this time it’s a giant crab critter. Rema and his Science buddies run into him while chasing Tu-Ming, and it’s time for some more monster butt-kicking. (Another oddity borrowed from Ultraman: Rema fights as long as he can as a mortal guy, then finally changes into Infra-Man at the last moment and saves the day. Why? He doesn’t have an eggtimer in the center of his chest like Ultraman, and no mention is made of conserving energy or anything. It’s called “false drama.”)

This scene does boast one of the most effective special effects in the whole movie, which also happens to be one of the simplest. The crab monster grows to gargantuan size (yes, you knew it had to happen), and Infra-Man follows suit. And how do they grow? No obvious bluescreen lines, no cut-aways… It took me a minute to figure out that they actually had the two actors on small moving platforms (concealed, as were their shoes, by a hillock in the foregound), and when it came time to grow, they were pulled toward the camera really really fast. (If you know what you’re looking for, you can see Infra-Man shake slightly as his ride comes to a stop.) After destroying the requisite cardboard buildings, Infra-Man punches the crab monster so hard that it shrinks back to normal size, at which point Infra-Man steps on it. SPLAT. Ewww…

Upset at this latest victory by Infra-Man, Princess Dragomon examines the plans Tu-Ming brought back, and in 1.3 seconds determines that his hands are his weak point. (Huh? I mean, “weak” in what sense? Is there a small thermal exhaust port beneath the main port, or what?) Hereafter, then (or at least at some point in the future), her strategy will concentrate on Infra-Man’s hands.

Back at Science Headquarters, the Professor’s three children hang around the grounds. All three are apparently named after pandas: they are fifteen-year old Mei-Mei (a hottie, made more so by the sultry adult voiced used to dub her), the ugly younger teen brother Jailo with really bad hair, and cute-as-a-button six-year-old LiLi. While exploring and such, they discover a cave, and Jailo crawls in to explore. Soon he finds himself in the Science Headquarters transformer room, just in time to see the wide-mouthed frog and Tu-Ming burst in through a wall to set an explosive charge that will destroy the Headquarters. Jailo is captured, as is Mei-Mei when she comes in looking for him. LiLi, forbidden to enter by Mei Mei, wanders off petulantly, and runs into “Uncle Rema” at the Headquartes, where she pouts about not being allowed to play in the cave. Rema, sensing trouble, crawls in the cave to find Jailo and Mei-Mei tied up beside a big bundle of dynamite. He instantly changes into Infra-Man (if you’ve seen the analogous Japanese shows, you know how this is done: Some wacky arm movements), and bursts through the ceiling (and hill) with the dynamite. Tu-Ming and the wide-mouthed frog slink off, foiled again.

The Princess, in a brilliant move of strategy, decides to kidnap one of the Professor’s children and force him to obey her. (If she were a bit more brilliant, she’d realize that kidnapping the Professor himself would be much more effective.) And so…

In the evening, Chang finishes up his work on the Thunderball Fists! (an even more impressive pair of motorcycle gloves), and has Infra-Man try them out. With their million-volt might, he shatters a sphere made of irradiated diamond dust, the hardest substance known to man (note to Science Patrol: “hardest” does not necessarily mean “strongest” — a diamond is pretty dang hard, but doesn’t have nearly the tensile strength of common steel). Good! says Chang. Now go have a nap to rest up for tomorrow’s attack!

A little later, in his apartment, Chang and Mei-Mei share a special father-daughter moment. And the moment Chang leaves, the wide-mouthed frog bursts through the wall, accompanied by the Cannon Fodder, and carts her off. (See? Arrive two minutes earlier, and you could have had the chief of Science Headquarters instead of a sultry-voiced teen!)

It isn’t until the next morning that Chang finds out she’s gone, when the Princess broadcasts to gloat and, naturally, tell him to come alone.

Cannon Fodder bring Chang across the water to Mt. Devil in a motorboat. As an object lesson, the Princess opens a hole in the floor which leads to a fiery pit and drops Tu-Ming down. She threatens Mei-Mei with the same fate unless Chang agrees to make a new Infra-Man, one that will follow her commands. When Chang boasts that the indefeatable Infra-Man will rescue them and destroy her, the Princess laughs about the weakness in the Infra-Hands. But Chang has the last laugh, see, because Infra-Man now has the Thunderball Fists!, and he’s so much stronger and all.

And at this moment — heroic Rema arrives outside the dragon head thing, and starts fighting Cannon Fodder! And because the rest of the movie is a blur of wacky action, I’ll present it just like it happened:

Rema fights the Cannon Fodder with their explosive spears, and in an interesting turn of events the Cannon Fodders’ bodies explode at death (which certainly helped the explosion count), and the wide-mouthed frog comes out and fights hand to hand with Rema, but the rest of the Science Police show up, and now everybody’s kung-fu fighting (those kicks are fast as lightning), and Rema almost makes it to the entrance of the lair but he’s stopped by, yes, Flaming Moustache Man, who can shoot jets of flame sideways out of his diabolical moustache, and so Rema finally changes into Infra-man, but now he’s double-teamed by Flaming Moustache Man and the wide-mouthed frog, but the Princess’s Plan B is to release smoke to obscure the sun, thus blocking Infra-Man’s power (which makes no sense, since no one’s ever said that Infra-Man is solar-powered, and even when she does so it doesn’t seem to hinder Infra-Man one bit), in fact he gets in a few good ones on the bad guys with his Flaming Boot Heel Attack, and even though Flaming Moustache Man can go invisible, Infra-Man can see him with his Infra-Peepers and whacks him, but when Infra-Man gains the entrance of the lair, the Princess’s forcefield grabs him and drops him down the fiery shaft, where he hangs for about two minutes before he remembers he can fly, enough time for the Princess to encase Chang and Mei-Mei in ice, threatening to thaw and freeze them repeatedly until the Professor consents to make her an evil Infra-Man (No! Not freezer burn! Anything but that!), then Infra-Man escapes the shaft and fight the Cannon Fodder, and She-Demon turns the Really Big Gun on him and misses, and he knocks over the Really Big Gun with his Thunderball Fists!, so she shoots green rays from the eyes in her palms (remember those?), but the green rays are forced back by the red waves from his Thunderball Fists!, until they chop off her hands and he knocks her into the fiery shaft, then he sees through walls to where the Professor is frozen, but when he knocks through that wall he is attacked by the Fabulous Slinky Brothers, whose mace-like hands and mace-like heads can detach and hit people, then return to their wrists because they’re attached by slinky (while I can see some dubious use for this on the hands, I can’t see what use a slinky head would be), plus the Princess flies in in her flying demon form, then changes back and freezes him solid and declares victory, but as the Cannon Fodder are carting him away he hears and sees Professor Chang in his head (is this the first demonstration of Chang’s psychic abilities, or is this a flashback to a bit of instruction that we didn’t get to see first time around?), who tells him that, if he’s ever frozen (wow! Lucky break!), he can use his mini-missiles (the itty-bitty fireworks) to thaw himself out, which he does (it’s a pretty good special effect for this movie), then he wipes out the last of the Cannon Fodder, and he ties the Fabulous Slinky Brothers’ heads together (I knew that would be a liability), and when the Princess attacks in flying demon form,he uses the red waves from his Thunderball Fists! to cut of her head, but it instantly grows back, so he does it again, and it grows back again (all these heads bouncing on the ground) five times in all, until he switches on the million volts and fries her to a crisp, then melts the ice imprisoning Chang and Mei-Mei, and they flee just as the lair (naturally) collapses around them, and on the boat, when LiLi (they brought the kid along?!) asks if they’ll be attacked again, Mei-Mei opines that “As long as we have Infra-Man, the earth is going to be safe.”

WRIST CRAMP!!!!

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 30 (including people, monsters, and Cannon Fodder), plus the 10,000 casualties mentioned at the eruption of Mt. Devil
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 75 (your mileage may vary)
• dream sequences: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0