• Produced and directed by Daniel Neira
• Written by Robert Crabtree and Daniel Neira
• Starring
  • Roddy Piper
  • Sonny Chiba
  • Meg Foster
  • Kim Morgan Greene

Through miscalculation and laziness on my part, I’m ending the Roddy Piper Video Binge with probably one of the worst movies on Roddy’s resume, and definitely the most annoying video watched as part of the binge.

“More annoying than Terminal Rush?” you ask in hushed tones.

That’s right, friend. Terminal Rush was lackluster and mediocre, but this one is actively, aggressively bad. And thanks to the credits above, we can pin the blame squarely on one person, producer/co-writer/director Daniel Neira. This is another one of those all-too-common cases in which someone has an idea that they’re just plain sure is great — and then manage to make sure that no one around them is in a position to tell them where the bear crossed the path. I will note, with approbation, that this movie is the single credit for Mr. Neira on the IMDb in any category, proving that in some rare cases, the wrong does fail, the right prevail.

What I’ve got to tell you makes very little sense when synopsized, but there’s no way in hell I’m reliving the whole thing by going through point-by-point, so let’s see what I can muddle out.

First up, we get the inestimable pleasure (cough, cough) of seeing Meg Foster in bed with an incredibly burly Japanese guy named Osato (played by an incredibly burly Japanese guy named — get this — “Woon”). Meg then dismisses him with some cockamamie story about her dangerous husband coming home, and Osato sprints off into the night, only to be chased by armed guards — and a killer Chippendale dancer. (Oh please, heavens preserve me as I try to get through this.) It’s a setup, see, and the permed prettyboy Chippendale dancer (whose idea of being tough is to beat on his own well-waxed torso and then spread his arms, bearing his teeth like he thought he was wearing plastic vampire fangs, and making high-pitched “Yii! Yii!” sounds) and Osato have themselves a little fight before Chippendale (his character’s name is Muller, and the actor’s (cough, cough) name is Deron McBee, and he used to be one of the American Gladiators, but he’s going to be “Chippie” from here one out) kills Osato.

Okay, next. Cop John Keller (Piper) is in his captain’s office, explaining how his partner JJ (Chiba) got shot. For this, we get a massive flashback to Keller, JJ, and their female third wheel Jill (don’t get attached) doing some sort of stakeout at a glitzy party looking for someone named Delany. In the course of things, Keller manages to beat up a whole bunch of thugs for no reason I could see, and then be invited to participate in their own little kumite by none other than Meg Foster! (In case it matters, her character’s name is Quinn, and her performance is the same display of somnambulism we’ve come to expect from her. “Hey, I’ve got these spooky-ass eyes to do all the work — why should I exert myself?”) Keller beats up a whole bunch more people in a row, and then he and JJ try to arrest all hundred-or-so people, starting a stampede. Then they start shooting the hired thugs, and getting shot back at by them, which is how JJ got shot.

But wait — Jill also gets herself killed, by none other than — Chippie! (It’s here that he earns that nickname, as he shows up in black slacks, sneakers, and a sleeveless tuxedo shirt. That, and his luxurious Michael Bolton hair…) He carves her up with a knife, for no discernable reason.

Oh, and there’s also a Japanese cop there working separately, trying to find Osato, who’s some Yakuza muckamuck last seen at one of these parties. He also gets to kick some ass, and shoots this hulking figure in a sleeveless tuxedo shirt — who promptly, after getting shot, stands up, unharmed. (The Japanese cop, meanwhile, promptly becomes a non-part of the story. Smart man.)

Got all that? Okay, here’s more. Keller noticed that the invitation to the party has the same little “HCo” logo on it as a travel brochure for a Caribbean island — so he wants to investigate! And when the captain tells him that that’s just a wee bit out of his jurisdiction, he declares that he’s taking his saved-up vacation to do it on his own time.

I hope you’ve noticed by now that we’re in a parallel universe. I mean, we got two cops who just kinda go in and start beating people up and shooting them — and Keller’s not even going to stick around for any kind of investigation. Nope, the captain’s gonna curse at him a little, and then he’s going to do what he wants. Thanks, but I think the last thing we need in this universe are more cops with that whole Judge Dredd “I am the law” thing going.

Right. So. On to the Caribbean. The only noteworthy thing to note is that Keller beats up a slimeball who’s bothering a single lady on the boat — gee, I guess she’s going to become the love interest here. That whole process is helped along by the resort’s mixup; see, his name is Keller, and her name is Karen Keeler — so they’re accidentally given the same room! Oh, the hilarity of seeing her come out of the shower to find him eating from her room service cart! Stop, my ribs! And to push it a little further, he manages to appropriate the jeep she’s reserved for the next day, by exploiting that whole similar-name thing. (And then, when he shows back up again, she thinks the whole bit was jes’ cute! Wouldn’t you?)

You know that a movie’s not really doing it for you when you find yourself unconsciously embarking on errands just so you have an excuse to put the video on pause and get away from it for a minute. During my screening of Immortal Combat, I checked the mail a couple of times, went to the bathroom thrice — and then, because that about dehydrated me, I went and got a big glass of Mountain Dew. And since poking around for snacks is always a good distraction, I also went through a half pound of Jelly Bellies and an entire roast pig.

And why am I telling you this here? Same philosophy: I needed a break from rehearsing everything for your benefit. Okay, we’re back.

What, you may ask, has JJ been doing all this time? I mean, you don’t hire Sonny Chiba to be LA’s least articulate cop just to have him shot down in the first ten minutes. No, we keep cutting back to him at home, being cared-for by his Caucasian daughter (don’t worry, we’ll find out all about that), engaging in macho healing — kneeling for hours in his dojo, fighting candles and stuff, until his shoulder is all better inside of a week.

And when he’s finally ready to join Keller in the Caribbean, we get this whole subplot dropped in our laps in a single scene. Why doesn’t JJ use a gun (which was mentioned in passing way back when)? Why does he have a white daughter named Andy? See, when he was a young cop in Japan, he pursued a perp through a park, shot at him, and accidentally killed Andy’s mother. So out of guilt, he adopted her. And stopped using guns. (And, presumably, left Japan for LA, where I’m sure that the police department was overjoyed to hire a foreign national who still only barely speaks English and refuses to use firearms. Musta been those ninja skills that won them over.) Don’t we all feel like we know JJ better?

Meanwhile, back on the island, Keller’s been mostly annoying the crap out of me. He’s snuck into the HybriCo compound (that’s what that “HCo” logo stands for), where Quinn is present for yet another bare-knuckles match — this time featuring the supposedly-deceased Osato. (You can’t keep a good Woon down.) And as it must necessarily turn out, Karen is also a reporter investigating HybriCo. Keller gets many opportunities to beat up goons; then Karen gets kidnapped, and JJ arrives with a shitload of ninja gear, and they go to town.

Want to know what the big secret is at HybriCo? They’ve found this ancient Mayan formula (the island was once inhabited by Mayans, you know, as indicated by some styrofoam sets and some stock footage of Chichen Itza) that turns men into invincible warriors — but they have to die first, preferably by being run to ground. It matters. Really. Quinn is working in selling the formula to Third World countries; in the meantime, for reasons completely unknown, she keeps Chippie around — who is supposedly the Signature Killer, an LA-area serial killer that she revived and keeps around for no reason under the sun. (Maybe it’s the collector mentality: she just wanted to be in possession of the world’s least likely serial killer.) And it turns out that the only way to kill these immortal warriors is either by fire or… Wait, can you guess? Can you? Yup, decapitation. (At this point, it would actually have been a plus to hear Sonny Chiba intone, “There can be only one.” But it was not to be.)

Buncha Chiba ninja stuff (gotta say, for being fifty-five he’s a dang spry and fast fighter, though he looks his age) happens (since Quinn naturally has her own ninja army, in addition to killer Chippendales), Roddy gets to do that whole “I can’t swim” thing that later served him again in Last to Surrender, and eventually the good guys win.

I mean, holy jumping catfish! Where do you begin! A secret installation that still advertises itself on brochures and lighters? Immortal Chippendale serial killers? Yet another annoying reporter girl? Sonny Chiba as a cop in LA? Meg Foster with a big placard around her neck that reads EVIL JUST CUZ?

The only things saving this movie from a complete thumbs down are Chiba’s ninja stunts and Piper’s native charm (and even that — even that — wears thin long before the closing credits). Nothing else here comes close to winning friends and influencing people. The only thing that kept we watching to the end (sidetrips and all) is the overwhelming need to see someone kick that damned Chippendale dancer’s ass.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 19
• breasts: 2
• explosions: 4
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 1
  • Meg Foster (Quinn) played “Onaya” on the DS9 episode “The Muse”