• Produced and directed by Fred Olen Ray
• Written by Sean O’Bannoni
• Starring
  • John Blyth Barrymore
  • Brinke Stevens
  • J.J. North
  • “G. Gordon Baer” (Peter Spellos)

This has to be one of FOR’s lowest budgets: Two locations (interior and exterior), a cast which numbered ten total people to appear before the camera (extras? we don’t need no steenking extras!), and stock footage for the climax and other judicious moments.

The opening is rather confusing: A space ship flies toward earth and fires lasers. On earth, random things explode: cars, buildings, etc. It’s pretty obviously stock footage from several sources (including that one mushroom cloud that everyone uses), and it goes unexplained. Since it isn’t mentioned again for the rest of the movie, let’s just assume that an alien attack is the cause of the ensuing post-apocalyptic world. Unnecessary? You bet.

But it does serve a purpose after all. The next scene is one of two people in quasi-military armor running through industrial corridors, ending up chomped by an unseen monster. The scene is replete with hokey, obvious dialog, ill-emoted; it would have been a bad note to begin the movie on.

OK. Cut to the real movie: a nifty-looking armored personnel carrier drives across the desert (crushing a skull as it goes — just for the T2 homage, I suppose). Alas, the carrier breaks down, and the crew (three guys and two women, including top-billed Brinke Stevens) has to abandon it before it blows. (Tip to future vehicle designers: please find a power source other than a nuclear reactor, OK? Thanks.)

They next need to find shelter from an oncoming ion storm. (Huh? It’s never explained what an ion storm really is, or why earth experiences them now.) They meet a solitary traveler in the desert, and after a scuffle, join him on his trek to a research facility about five km away.

They get to the facility and “seal the door, but don’t lock it” (huh? what’re you going to do, Scotch tape it?). It seems the place is abandoned, except for a corpse from one of the unluckies in the preamble. Dr. Leslie Morgan (Stevens), as the medical doctor, opines that his injuries were caused by claw marks.

Given this ominous foreshadowing, they promptly forget about it and split up to explore a bit. This gives us the opportunity to see two important things:

1. Scientists in research facilities disdain such amenities as drywall, carpet, and the occasional potted plants; the entire station is gunmetal grey, with pipes and conduits running rampant like an H.R. Giger wet dream.
2. Any two women, given a hot shower, will opt to do a lesbian scene (the women in this case being Stevens and the artificially endowed J.J. North, who proves a striking contrast to Steven’s own modest rack).

Anyway, back to the plot, such as it is. Leslie finds a diary which hints at genetic soldier experiments being conducted here; the commander wanders off and gets himself chomped; the survivors, unable to leave because of the ion storm, barricade themselves in part of the station but (naturally) forget about the humongous air vents.

The monster apparently rapes Leslie (and then apparently re-dresses her), so that when they dwindling team decides to blow up the facility (with a number of spliced-together stock explosions) and escape, we get the parting shot of her doubled over from “just stomach cramps.” Ooh, scary ending.

You notice I skipped the entire middle section of the film. That’s because it’s paint-by-numbers Alien stuff,with people being chased, the alien showing up unexpectedly behind people, etc.

Oh, yeah, it’s a pretty cheesy alien suit.

Some other random notes, before I get to weightier matters.

- I swear, Leslie’s armored chest-piece looks like it’s got flip-top nipple plates. Is that for nursing mothers?

- It may be a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but at least hawks seem to be thriving; we get to see at least three of them gliding above the desert.

- Never seen a military commander use the democratic process so much. And how does a guy with such a crummy sense of direction become a commander, anyway?

- “Too bad the power’s not up yet.” Excuse me, where do you think the light is coming from? And how about the water heater?

- Why do these creatures always drool so copiously? I mean, we’re talking buckets full of slime oozing suddenly from vents.

Now, the weightier matter I spoke of. While watching, I kept getting the impression that these actors had all been in some other Fred Olen Ray film. So I did some checking on the IMDb, and the statistics are impressive: all ten cast members have worked with Ray before, and some practically work for him full-time. Observe:

• John Blythe Barrymore – 3 other films: Inner Sanctum 2 (1994), Masseuse (1994), Mind Twister (1996)
• Brinke Stevens – 10 other films: Warlords (1988), Haunting Fear (1990), Mob Boss (1990), Spirits (1990), Bad Girls From Mars (1991), Cyberzone (1995), Invisible Mom (1995), Over the Wire (1995), Illicit Dreams 2 (1996), Masseuse (1996)
• J.J. North – 1 other film: Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995)
• Tim Abell – 6 other films: Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995), Over the Wire (1995), Fugitive Rage (1996), Illicit Dreams 2 (1996), Masseuse (1996), Night Shadow (1997)
• Ted Monte – 3 other films: Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995), Little Miss Magic (1997), Masseuse 2 (1997)
• Peter Spellos (credited here as G. Gordon Baer) – 13 (!!) other films: Dinosaur Island (1994), Inner Sanctum 2 (1994), Possessed by the Night (1994), Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995), Bikini Drive-In (1995), Cyberzone (1995), Fugitive Rage (1996), Masseuse (1996), Bikini Hoe-Down (1997), Invisible Dad (1997), Little Miss Magic (1997), Night Shade (1997)
• Bobby Bragg – 2 other films: Fugitive Rage (1996), Night Shade (1997)
• Nikki Fritz – 6 other films: Dinosaur Island (1994), Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995), Bikini Drive-In (1995), Fugitive Rage (1996), Illicit Dreams 2 (1996), Night Shade (1997)
• Robert Connel – 1 other film: Fugitive Rage (1996)
• Christopher Olen Ray – 5 other films: Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995), Friend of the Family 2 (1996), Fugitive Rage (1996), Masseuse (1996), Night Shade (1997)

All right, the last one is his son, so a little healthy nepotism is to be expected (half of Chris’ credits are for assistant director). But the rest of it? It’s almost like Fred calls someone (Brinke Stevens or Peter Spellos, usually), and says, “Hey, call the gang — we’re doing a movie!”

And what does it mean? It means that if I ever get it into my head to run off to L.A. to be in b-movies, I’m gonna camp on Fred’s doorstep until he gives me a part. It’s the next best thing to real job security!