Honey Glaze (2003)

Posted on May 19, 2004 under Action-suspense, Comedy |

Written and directed by Michael Legge
Starring
- Lorna Nogueira
- Robin Gabrielli
- Cherry Lynn Zinger
- Michael Legge
- Linda Lasco

On occasion, when trying to decide what to write about a movie, I’ll peruse other reviews before writing my own. No, not to plagiarize, and frankly, I’m offended by the suggestion; you ought to be ashamed of yourself. I’m just interested in seeing what other reviewers found worth commenting on.

“There’s a movie that’s better than this one… and there’s another… and another…”

Honey Glaze is one of those movies that occasioned such a survey of reviews between the watching and the reviewing, as I had trouble deciding what really needed to be said about the movie. And I discovered a disconcerting trend: Almost universally, those who have reviewed it thought that it was a very funny movie. I, on the other hand, did not.

Oh, well. As they say, “The only thing more individual than humor is lust.” (Actually, “they” don’t say that. I just made it up. But it seems like something that “they” would say, and if you ever encounter the sentiment again, attributed to the nebulous “they,” you’ll know where it really came from.)

“Honey, I think you’re finally old enough to learn about deodorant.”

The titular character (Lorna Nogueira) is a thirtyish woman who has been kept indoors by her father (Ed Dunn) ever since the death of her mother, and whose mental development is pretty much frozen around age ten. That would be plenty weirdness for any movie right there, but that’s only the beginning. Although Dad tells his little girl that he’s a wallpaper salesman (and their unremarkable suburban home would support the contention), he’s actually a spy involved in high levels of intrigue, fighting off low-rent ninjas and thugs every time he leaves the house. He dies in front of Honey while in the middle of a hush-hush investigation, leaving Honey in the care of “the Agency,” in the persons of agent Dash Hope (Robin Gabrielli) and Dr. Debacle (Linda Lasce). The agency has little clue of what Agent Glaze was working on — only that it was earth-shattering and urgent, naturally — and tries to glean what they can from Honey and the house. Meanwhile, Honey, sugar’n’spice though she may be, is consumed with a hunger for revenge for her father’s death.

Dash takes her under his wing and forces her into quick maturity… by making her go through a supermarket shopping trip by herself. (”The humanity! The humanity!” she gasps when she comes out.) Then, after two weeks of intensive self-defense and subterfuge training, Honey’s ready to become an agent.

“Surgically remove that hideous shirt! Stat!”

And not a moment too soon — for the dastardly would-be world conqueror Dr. Sum Thaim (director Michael Legge) and his conflicted assistant Nurse Tarika (Cherry Lynn Zinger) are searching for the microchip which Agent Glaze had been protecting, and will stop at nothing to get their hands on it, including torturing computer engineers in his exurban hideout. (What, like we even need an excuse for torturing those guys?)

Legge, by the way, is unquestionably the best thing about the production. Playing Dr. Sum Thaim as an amalgam of every evil Oriental scientist ever (though, correctly, of very mixed heritage — “part Chinese, French, Polish, Spanish, Italian, and Lithuanian”), his performance is energetic, straight-faced, and just over the top enough to be consistently funny.

Man, those prom photos never turn out as good as you wanted.

However, the minuses far outweight the pluses, as far as I’m concerned, beginning with the initial premise. A little girl locked in a woman’s body is a terrifically fecund concept, but as the plot progresses, Honey changes almost instantly from a simpering little-girl gimp (unlike any ten-year-old girl ever, by the way) into a catsuit-wearing agent with barely a backwards glance. Sure, she still uses toy-gimmicks instead of the Q-style gadgets offered to her by Dr. Debacle (beware her Slinky of Doom, and be sure to note where she keeps her tiny rocket weapons), but aside from such throw-away bits, the conversion from child to adult is so complete that it seems pointless to have included it in the first place.

The bigger flaw, though… and I’m sure that having this opinion puts my immortal soul at risk… is that the movie isn’t exploitative enough. Not that I think the world of cinema is dying for lack of gratuitous elements, but we’re talking about a female super-spy spoof here — it should be at least as flashy and innuendo-laden as its inspirations, shouldn’t it? Yet it seems bizarrely to veer away even from garden-variety, PG-rated smirks whenever possible. You’ve got a young girl in a woman’s body under the one-on-one tutelage of a young dashing secret agent; am I wrong to expect at least a hint of a spark to fly? At the very least, couldn’t we have gotten some mileage from Honey’s sexual innocence, missing or misinterpreting double entendres and Bond references? (All of which makes the one scene that does have sexual content, a not-quite-topless bit, seem wholly out of place, and indicative of all of the missed opportunities.)

“It’s an ‘Abuse Puppy’! Wal-Mart’ll be full of them by Christmas!”

I’ll readily admit to laughing aloud on occasion. There are some undeniably clever bits, like a flashback in which Honey’s father keeps prodding her to notice the detail she’s trying to remember. I liked the generic brainless goons from Thugs To Go, Inc. I liked the restaurant scene with everyone dying of poison except the poison’s intended victim. I liked Nurse Tarika’s unrequited — and overtly discouraged — love for Dr. Sum Thaim. (And as mentioned, I liked Dr. Sum Thaim himself.) But as a whole, the movie seemed like it was performing well below its potential, content merely to be vaguely amusing instead of actively, laugh-out-loud funny.