aka Cadaver Bay

• Written and directed by Steve Sessions
• Starring
  • Jeff Dylan Graham
  • Elizabeth North
  • Lucien Eisenbach
  • Sequoia Rose Fuller
  • Dawn DuVurger
• Produced by Carol Sessions

You might be thinking, in your fanboy way, that the title of this movie might be a conscious echo of the original title of The Evil Dead. You would do well to put those thoughts out of your head, lest your hurt yourself tripping over your unrealized expectations. Not that The Evil Dead is the epitome of good indie filmmaking or anything, but its sterling quality is its energy and the fact that things are happening and will keep happening up to the closing credits. Whereas “energy” is probably the last word you’d use to describe Hellbound.

No, it’s not that it’s a bad movie per se; in fact, the cinematography is quite accomplished and considered for a microbudget feature. The problem is that we’ve got a Twilight Zone episode’s worth of story being stretched out to feature length. And that means that whatever happens, will happen sloooowly. (What a lousy week for me to give up caffeine.)

“Damned army surplus…”

We start out on the seashore at dusk, where a guy and girl (Ian Mcrae and Dawn DuVurger) have set up a tent for a little “time to themselves,” if you know what I mean. (A long side note: horror movies are about the best advocates for keeping sex in the bedroom. There, you’re reasonably safe. Anywhere else — a tent, a car, a boat, a playground, a cabin — and you’re likely to come to the unwelcome realization that, crap, you’re about to be the first kill in a horror flick!) They cuddle, they strip to their shorts, they uncork the wine… But something comes shuffling out of the eel grass past the tent, and as they’re hurriedly reclothing to investigate, the something pulls the guy out through the side of the tent and drags him away. (This whole scene goes to great lengths to avoid giving lines to either the girl or the guy — not even so much as a “Who’s out there? Damned kids, I’ll kick your ass!”)

The story then shifts 58 hours into the past, as Lane (Jeff Dylan Graham, last seen around here in Dead & Rotting) walks along the beach in the morning, sketching… and walking… and sketching… (No, his drawing skills have nothing to do with the story. Just enjoy the scenery, wouldja?)

Then he goes home to Diane (Elizabeth North), his ever-so-sad-looking significant other, for an exposition-laden conversation. Facts that come up:

1. A rare book dealer named Hamilton has left a message for Diane about a book she was seeking.
2. Lane is pretty freaked about it.
3. The book is one that Diane’s deceased father, a witch, had been looking for for years.
4. Diane’s sister, Kelly, died in an accident a year ago, and Diane’s had a lot of therapy because of it.
5. Despite Diane’s protestations, Lane thinks Diane wants the book so she can bring Kelly back.
6. This is a big freaking house for a couple of twenty-somethings who never mention having to go to work.

Later: Some mysterious POV shot crawls along the kitchen floor as Diane makes a PBJ sandwich. Crawling… crawling… sandwiching… sandwiching… until finally Diane looks around and sees that their hermit crab has gotten out. Doesn’t even startle her; this is not a spring-loaded hermit crab, you know. She puts him back in his tank. Boy, don’t we all feel better knowing that such an insightful scene is in the movie? I mean, without this scene, we might not know if Lane and Diane have any pets, or what Diane likes to put on her sandwich!

Also starring Hermie as himself.

Then we cut to another guy and girl (Damian Chiliky and Sequoia Rose Fuller) in a bathroom, getting kinky with handcuffs and flashing lights and stuff. This goes on for a while, until a phonecall for the girl cuts things short. Congratulations, we’re in for more exposition, as this girl tells her girlfriend that she’s bored. (Look, I don’t want to hear it — you’re supposed to be entertaining me!) She probably wouldn’t be bored, she says, if she lived in the house next door, where Lane and Diane live, because Diane’s dad, who died ten years ago, was a for-real witch, and Diane’s sister Kelly died last year. Great — aside from adding more exploitative elements, the only purpose of this scene was to give us exposition we already know.

But then — MORE exposition! (Is there going to be a quiz at the end or something?) Lane’s telling some completely disinterested fellow in a bar all about Diane’s issues with her sister’s death; meanwhile, Diane is watching a videotape of Kelly (Krystal Stevenson) feeding ducks. Lane lets us know that Kelly died while Diane was videotaping her; there was a car accident nearby, and Kelly was killed by a flying hubcap to the head.

Look, I can tell this wasn’t meant to be funny, but come on! How am I supposed to suppress the giggles when immediately after Lane says that, we cut back to Diane watching the tape (that is, the tape), and whhhzzzKLONK?

So. The book dealer Hamilton (Lucien Eisenbach) comes around, having acquired this mysterious book from a Catholic diocese in financial trouble. He unwraps it and… well, it’s awfully new-looking. Shiny black leather and gilded edges, with an embossed Baphomet head in the middle of the cover. Hamilton mentions that books like this come in pairs, and without its companion volume, it’s useless. Diane’s obviously lusting after it, but as she says, “Books like this can’t be bought or sold” — it negates their power. So instead she pulls a revolver from a kitchen drawer and shoots him.

“Please tell me you meant to grab the salad tongs.”

I need to point out that we’re a full thirty minutes into the movie by this point. If that doesn’t look like thirty minutes’ worth of story, that’s because I haven’t pointed out all the long, slow shots of people… talking… then pausing… looking pensive… speaking… looking morose… cut to the goldfish… cut back to Diane, looking intensely sad…

Anyway. It turns out that Diane already had the other book of the pair, and she tries to reassure the shaken Lane that everything’s hunky-dory — there’s a spell in the book that can bring back the dead. All she has to do is copy some runes onto virgin parchment and put them on the body, and he’ll come back. Against what’s left of his better judgment, Lane agrees to let her try, but by morning, the corpse is still lying in the middle of the kitchen floor. (Sure, let that bloodstain set up in the linoleum…)

Now that it’s really too late to report it as a freak bookseller/gun accident, Lane decides they have to dispose of the body. First he takes the car out into the middle of nowhere to abandon it (Thrill to his long, pensive drive! Thrill as he’s almost seen by Hamilton’s wife at a stoplight, but isn’t!), then comes back to dispose of the body with a circular saw, a couple of bags of Sack-Crete,and a boatride out into the bay. (Dude, don’t do it in the tub! You’ll chip the porcelain!)

It’s only when he’s in the garage, mixing the concrete, that something supernatural FINALLY happens. One of the hands rustles itself to life and crawls out into the backyard. Thrill as Lane stands around for several minutes, shining the flashlight! We’re now past forty-five minutes into the movie, and if it weren’t for the flash-forward teaser at the beginning, we might have thought that this was an entirely unsupernatural suspense story.

Ooh, a Michael Caine cameo!

After ‘creting up the other parts, Lane goes to tell Diane about “the one that got away.” Which, of course, he does in measured, restrained tones. Is it too much to ask that someone freak out sooner or later? You’ve been living with a corpse for twelve hours, one of you is a murderer and the other is a major accessory, you’ve been deli-slicing body parts in the tub and embedding them in concrete, and now Thing Addams is loose on the premises… Shouldn’t someone be losing their cool, getting the heebie-jeebies, maybe even going a wee bit hysterical? Instead, we get some of the most internalized performances this side of Soviet art cinema.

Not only that, but the hand makes it next door while Next-Door Girl is disrobing for a very, very nude bath. It creeps up to the tub… but then it leaves. No, it never menaces her. There’s a definite trend here toward suspense in lieu of, instead of leading up to, any excitement.

Then the next day, while Lane takes a long, leisurely boat ride to ditch the body parts, Diane takes a long, leisurely walk in the cemetery (past row up on row of sad angels, all lingered upon lovingly) and drops the rune-covered parchment on a grave…

And we’re finally back to the tenting couple of the movie’s opening. (Such verisimilitude — that really did feel like 58 hours!) And the shuffling, mysterious something begins to leave a trail of bodies — bodies of characters who now show up only to be killed…

“I AM smiling.”

Look, there are many good things going on in this movie. Like I said, the cinematography is very confident and expressive. The digital work for the detached hand is almost flawless (aside from a couple of elementary gaffes, like letting a shoulder accidentally enter one shot). And there are some perfect little moments, like Diane turning the stereo higher and higher, trying to mask the sound of the circular saw in the bathroom with classical music. But it’s just too darned slow, and too darned low-key. No one ever goes off the deep end; no one ever panics. The finale involves Lane and the shambling something, and Lane would have no problems if he just MOVED FASTER THAN A FREAKING DEAD PERSON. Heck, even when Next-Door Girl comes over to investigate further gunshots, the site of a dead body doesn’t panic her. She just gets mildly concerned.

Listen, fellas: Next time, remember, when trying to fill an hour and twenty minutes of running time, nice cinematography and soulful looks and random dream sequences are no match for excitement and honest-to-goodness story. I just gave up caffeine this week; that means there’s a little extra around for the cast and crew to bump things up a notch.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 6
• breasts: 4
• explosions: 0
• dream sequences: 2
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0