- Directed by Christian Drew Sidaris
- Written by Andy Sidaris
- Starring
- Dona Speir
- Roberta Vasquez
- Cynthia Brimhall
- Produced by Andy and Arlene Sidaris
Ah, those four classic words: “An Andy Sidaris Film.” Critics and naysayers charge that Sidaris’ movies are nothing but an excuse for boobs, bullets and explosions, while the fans affirm that, well, they’re nothing but an excuse for boobs, bullets and explosions.
But not so! Allow me to demonstrate, by giving the entire plot of the opus under examination, Hard Hunted, without mentioning any of the above.
See, this bad guy, Mr. Kane, is on his boat in the Hawaiian islands, when he receives a small jade figurine, which he tells his two beautiful female sycophants, Jade and Mika, is the most valuable object in the world [boobs].
Meanwhile, we’re introduced to the radio station KSXY, where all the DJ’s wear bikinis and the owner, Edy, also performs in the club next door. They use the “love line” feature of their programming to send coded info to their agents — for this is the headquarters of the beautiful anti-terrorist group L.E.T.H.A.L.!
Anyway, Silk and Mika are both agents of L.E.T.H.A.L., and Mika steals the jade figurine [bullets] and gets away with the help of recent L.E.T.H.A.L. recruit Cole on his jetski [boobs]. The KSXY DJ’s guide her to Cathedral Rock, AZ, a safe place for her to lie low until they can collect the figurine.
Meanwhile, at the Pentagon, the leader of L.E.T.H.A.L., Lucas, is being briefed on the theft of a Chinese “Claistron relay” — the trigger for a nuclear weapon — which may have fallen into the hands of Kane.
But — lo and behold! Cole is a double agent for Kane and tells him where Mika was going. (He doesn’t know about Silk, fortunately.) Kane phones his man in Arizona, a crafty Oriental with a gyrocopter, who heads out to Cathedral Rock, where two of the other L.E.T.H.A.L. agents, Donna and Nicole, are relaxing. Mika shows up just in time to be shot by the gyrocopter [bullets], and Donna and Nicole [bullets explosion explosion bullets] barely make it away with the jade figurine [bullets explosion bullets explosion bullets explosion].
Donna and Nicole head off back to Hawaii, and their boyfriends (also agents) get ready to greet them with open arms. Lucas also arrives in Hawaii; he seems to have an ongoing thing with Edy. [boobs boobs]
But the bad guys, guided by Cole, attack the private landing strip and kidnap Donna, who has the figurine [bullets]. But, aboard the plane, she steals a parachute and tosses a grenade before jumping out [explosion].
She lands and knocks herself out on the beach of Laison Island, where one of Kane’s associates, Pico, has a little installation. [boobs] It turns out, when she regains consciousness, that Donna has lost her memory.
[boobs] Cole shows up at Laison Island per Kane’s instructions, but Pico refuses to release Donna until Kane himself shows up.
Kane also hires two hapless hitman to eliminate Lucas and Edy from a hovercraft [bullets], but Lucas defeats them with the explosive Edy keeps concealed in the heel of her pump [explosion].
Meanwhile, Nicole and her man sneak onto Laison Island to rescue Donna [bullets explosion] and manage to kill Pico and all of his men [bullets], but Cole escapes with Donna on his jetski [bullets] — apparently only to the other side of the island, though.
Raven arrives in Hawaii with his gyro, and Kane sends him to Laison Island as an advance guard.
[boobs boobs]
Cole convinces the amnesiac Donna that they had been lovers [boobs], but she wakes up in the morning with her memory back and kills him (and tells him that she faked the orgasm the night before).
Donna reunites with Nicole and her man, but Raven captures them [bullets explosion] and takes the jade from them. But Donna finds one more gun and shoots him out of the sky [explosion].
Kane is forced to leave by the Coastal Patrol without storming the island. Curses, foiled again!” And all the L.E.T.H.A.L. people go back to the radio station and enjoy a well-deserved rest.
See? How can you find fault with a scintillating drama like that? It speaks to the human condition, I tell you!
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