- Directed by Robert Meyer Burnett
- Written by Robert A. Altman and Robert Meyer Burnett
- Starring
- William Shatner
- Rafer Weigel
- Eric McCormack
- Audie England
- Produced by Mark A. Altman and Dan Bates
It’s oddly appropriate that this movie came up on the very weekend on which several of my fellow B-movie reviewing buddies were off at B-Fest; it’s almost a consolation prize. Because Free Enterprise‘s basic premise is, “What if your life were like a big sci-fi convention?”
I’m loath to try and give a plot outline — the entire thing was so fabulous and full of fan-boy jokes that I’d end up typing in the entire script. Here’s what I can say in a linear fashion:
After a hilarious intro of a movie pitch for Bradykiller (it’s a serial killer who’s obsessed with the Bradys, see), we flash back to 1980 to meet Mark, who’s being turned away from the ticket office for the premiere of Star Trek: The Motion Picture in New York, and Robert, who’s getting the tar beaten out of him in Washington state for wearing a Trek uniform to junior high. Both boys get the wherewithal to go on from visits from their imaginary friend — William Shatner (noted as one of the top ten imaginary friends).
Flash forward to the present: Both guys are living the fanboy’s wet dream. Mark is editor of “Geek Magazine,” which caters to the whole episode-memorizing, toy-buying crowd, and Robert is a film editor at Full Eclipse (hee hee hee!). Of course, life isn’t completely rosy: Robert’s being dumped by his girlfriend, who can’t understand his obsession (and who, out of spite, takes back his birthday present, a mint-in-box Enterprise Christmas ornament). And Mark’s only lovelife is an ex-girlfriend who annoys him, and an anonymous “moaning girl” who leaves orgiastic messages on his answering machine.
And then come the big changes in their lives: They meet William Shatner in a bookstore, and after frightening him with their fanboy geekiness, they discover he’s working on a project: A six-hour musical version of Julius Caesar, with Bill himself as all of the male lead parts. (“And maybe I could get Heather Locklear — I know Heather, you know.”)
But that’s not all — after a string of one-night stands with starlet types, Robert finds the perfect woman in a comic book store: A beautiful girl who reads comics (she lists them), and is attracted to his home entertainment system and the fact that he has the Japanese-import laserdisc boxed set of Planet of the Apes. I correct myself: THIS is a fanboy’s wet dream.
I can’t convey in a short review how much fun this is; aside from all the obligatory Trek references, Logan’s Run references also abound; Mark is almost thirty, and as he puts it, “My crystal’s flashing.” He even has a dream about being chased as a runner. And when He stumbles into his surprise party, everyone shouts, “Renew! Renew!” and in the background, what’s that guitar riff? Oh yeah, it’s The Cult — “She Sells Sanctuary.”
Now pile on gratuituous references to Wonder Woman, The Lathe of Heaven, Speed Racer, Apocalypse Now, Justice Society of America, The Mighty Isis, Tombs of the Blind Dead, Conan the Barbarian, Soylent Green, TJ Hooker, Belle du Jour, Beastmaster, Terminator 2, and just about everything else you can think of.
If I weren’t married and settled, this is probably the lifestyle I’d have (minus at least some of the gratuitous sex, of course).
Some Notable Totables:
- body count: 0
- breasts: 2
- explosions: 0
- dream sequences: 3
- ominous thunderstorms: 0
- actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 5
- William Shatner, obviously
- Diana Cignoli (Illa) was a Dabo Girl on both the pilot and another episode of DS9
- Thomas Hobson (young Richard) was “Young Jake” on the DS9 pilot
- Lori Lively (Leila) was in a 7th season DS9 episode
- Deborah Van Valkenburgh (Marlena) was “Det. Preston” in the DS9 two-parter “Past Tense”
