aka Terror! Il Castello Delle Donne Maledette, aka Dr. Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks, aka The Monsters of Dr. Frankenstein, aka Terror Castle

• Directed by “Robert H. Oliver” (Ramiros Oliveros)
• Written by Mario Francini, Mark Rose, Mark Smith, and Robert Spano
• Starring
  • Rossano Brazzi
  • Michael Dunn
  • Christiane Royce
  • Simone Blondell
  • Boris Lugosi

Despite the popularity of numeric ratings systems, sometimes you just can’t compare one movie with another. Technically, I suppose, they’re the same medium — the same “art form” — but they’re still farther apart than apples and oranges. Apples and moose, maybe. Or apples and Libertarians. Or Libertarians and moose.

All of which is my normal roundabout way of getting to the point, to wit, Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks is a pretty good movie for its kind, as long as you realize that “its kind” is wacky-ass, goofball flicks.

Oopsie-daisy!

One claim to fame, though is that it’s the only Frankenstein movie ever to start with a whole bunch of villagers attacking a Neanderthal. Yup, in broad daylight, a bunch of rural Germans attack a roaring caveman (Loren Ewing) with sticks. If that doesn’t say, “This is not your father’s Frankenstein movie,” I don’t know what does. (Although considering that this movie came out in 1974, maybe this was your father’s Frankenstein movie.)

Soon after the villagers vanquish the brute and leave him to the elements, though, a set of henchmen cart the body into the castle of — Count Frankenstein (Rossano Braszzi)! “Count”? That’s right, he’s changed position. I don’t know if it’s a step up or a step down from “baron,” but hey, he still outranks me.

Once the Neanderthal body is in hand, Frankenstein then sends the henchmen out for another body — this time, a recently buried young woman from the village. The henchmen are an odd sort: There’s Igor (Gordon Mitchell!), who contrary to tradition, has no hump or other deformity; that honor belongs to Kreegin (Xiro Papas). Then there’s Genz (Michael Dunn), a dwarf, and Hans (Alan Collins, aka Luciano Pigozzi), whose only deformity is being appallingly ugly. Together they disinter the fresh young woman, and Genz cops a quick feel (eww). Hans is more than a little upset by this, so he contrives to cover all of their footprints — except Genz’s.

“No, no kiss — I’d rather just have a goodnight handshake.”

Frankly, I’m not sure what the point of the graverobbing was, as far as Frankenstein’s experiments go; there are some oblique indications that he may have transplanted the young woman’s brain into the Neanderthal’s body before shocking it to life, but it’s never really mentioned. I’d expect the Neanderthal to act a tad, well, daintier if a young woman’s brain were in his headcase.

Genz is on his master’s bad side, though, for his necrophiliac fondling, and it doesn’t get any better later on, when the Count’s daughter Maria (Simone Blondell), her fiance Eric (Eric Mann), and her best friend Krista (Cristianne Royce) come home from university. Frankenstein becomes quite taken with Krista, who is herself studying anthropology, but Genz does one better; he uses the peepholes behind a portrait to watch Krista as she takes her milkbath. And then to cap it off, he uses another peephole (a voyeur’s dream, this manor is) to watch Eric and Maria pretend like they’re already married.

But Genz’ days around Chez Frankenstein are numbered. The town’s police prefect (Edmund Purdom) has discovered the footprint, and suspects from the tiny size that a dwarf might be involved. (This despite the fact that Genz’s feet are very clearly huge.) And when Genz also sneaks into the Count’s secret lab just to tease the Neanderthal, well, that’s all that the Count can take. (I don’t think anyone told him about the peeping, either.) Genz is summarily dismissed from the Count’s household and sent off alone. This marks a poor choice for Frankenstein, as disgruntled former employees are the number one stumbling block to the schemes of mad science. Not only that, they’ll tell Microsoft about your unlicensed Office Suite.

Beakers? Of colored liquids?? But that must mean — there’s SCIENCE going on here!

Meanwhile, a Neanderthal kidnaps a sheep! Has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot, but really, how often in your life are you going to have an occasion to write a sentence like that?

Frankenstein puts Genz out of his mind as he and Krista start up a May-December romance. He brings her slowly into his confidence about the caveman he’s got strapped to an operating table in the basement, a revelation which she takes in stride pretty easily. She had already heard, you know, about the “legends” of Neanderthals living in the hills. (How old does a story have to be to qualify as a legend? Heck, I’m still trying to figure out the time frame of the story, since Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein was published in 1818, and the beetle-browed skulls weren’t discovered in the Neander Valley until 1856.)

“Ook!” Not just a name, it’s a way of life!

Genz has meanwhile found himself a little bit of companionship, too — another Neanderthal! They immediately bond and start rooming together like the Odd Couple in the caves. The scene of Genz trying to teach a caveman that meat is better cooked is just priceless. And frankly, I don’t know that there’s ever been a more noteworthy credit to any movie than “And Boris Lugosi as OOK the Neanderthal.”

And all would be copacetic if Genz didn’t get horny again. It’s not really his fault, though; Maria brings Krista for a little bathing in the mineral hot springs in another part of the caves, and Genz gets more of an eyeful than he can control. So he rallies Ook to help him capture a village girl, whom he then rapes and has Ook kill. (Gee, and he was shaping up to be such a sympathetic character, too.) The disappearance gets the villagers all hot against that creepy Frankenstein; it seems that they’re always just itching for a chance at a mob scene. (Why they would always tend to suspect the philanthropic Count when they know that cavemen lurk in the nearby hills is beyond me.)

You’re actually READING this caption?

And just to make matters worse, Genz sneaks back into Frankenstein’s lab and releases the Neanderthal, who goes ape, so to speak. Not that I blame him; Frankenstein’s operation left the poor brute with a huge egghead. Pretty soon henchmen are lying dead all over the place, Krista is kidnapped by Ook, our two Neanderthals are on a collision course (they act like they don’t know each other — how large could the hidden Neanderthal community be?), and the mobs got their torches and pitchforks ready to go.

It should come as no surprise that this is an intensely silly movie. But for all that, it’s not played as a comedy; no, this one’s completely straight, which only adds to the fun. Thrill as Kreegin tries to make time with Mrs. Hans! Thrill as Frankenstein and Krista fall into badly-dubbed love! And giggle as Ook wanders around, mostly saying, “Ook! Ook!”

I tell you, they just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 7
• breasts: 7
• explosions: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 3
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 1
  • Michael Dunn (Genz) played “Alexander” in the classic episode “Plato’s Stepchildren”