Cold Fusion Video Reviews

aka Exterminators in the Year 3000

• Directed by “Jules Harrison” (Giuliano Carnimeo)
• Written by Elisa Briganti, James A. Prich, and Dardano Sacchetti
• Starring
  • Robert Jannuci
  • Alicia Moro
  • Luciano Pigozzi
  • Luca Venantini

Now, I can understand how movies like this get made. The Italian film industry is infamous for seizing on a semi-popular theme (zombies, Mad Max, what have you) and making poor ripoffs until they drive the subgenre into the grave. In that context, this movie is no surprise. My question is, how does a piece of uninspiring hackwork like this get a video re-release?

After the opening credits (with NO theme music, a personal first), the first thing we realize is that the “Year 3000″ is no more than titular hyperbole. There are plenty of ’70s model cars still in working order (though naturally covered with the grills and bars that are standard in the future), and clothing still has all the earmarks of being scavenged from very current Goodwills. Plus one character reminisces about how crude oil could make someone rich in his childhood. So we’re actually looking at the standard “sometime in the next century” setting.

After some falderall with a couple of losers in a beaten-up police car (don’t worry about trying to figure out if they’re really some police force or not; they have no impact on the story), we meet the real heroes of our story: the obligatory 30-ish leather-clad nomad, named Alien (I sure hope that’s bad translation at work), and his car, the Exterminator. I suppose it’s pretty snazzy for the wastelands; the entire insides are computerized, and the driver looks out on the world through a little screen. From the outside, though, it’s just an orange stockcar with the aforementioned bars and grills.

No sooner do we meet man and car, though, than the police stooges steal the car, leaving him with their squadcar. When he gives chase, he rolls it, trapping himself inside until the plot is ready to make use of him again.

Meanwhile, there are people living in a heavily-armed compound. We get to meet Tommy, a shaggy-haired little boy waiting for his father to come back from a water expedition. No one’s got much faith, though, not his botanist-mother, nor the bearded fellow called “Senator” that apparently leads this community. In desperation, another guy named John leads a second expedition (a tanker truck and two armed vehicles) to this source of water that they want to keep secret.

With good reason, apparently; no sooner do they leave their armed confines than they’re attacked by a band of marauders called the Exterminators. (There is, after all, only one cool thing you can call yourself in the future.) Their leader is a bruiser named Crazy Bull, and after one look at his haircut you can imagine all the “When Hare Krishnas go bad” jokes I made. After a long and interminable chase’n'battle scene, the whole expedition is killed — except young Tommy, who stowed away for a chance to find his dad.

Well, wouldn’t you know it — next thing we know, Tommy has stumbled upon Alien, and they’ve become edgy partners. Alien is off to find his car (on foot), when they both get captured by the Exterminators. Now we finally find the reason for the identical nomenclature: The car used to be that of Crazy Bull, until Alien stole it.

Through the happenstance of Alien escaping and leaving the kid behind, we get to find out that the kid has a bionic arm (yeah, it’s a sign of directorial boredom); this comes in handy when Alien comes back, rescues the kid, and takes him to the old mechanic Papillon, who fixes him up like Steve Austin. Then we also get to meet Alien’s ex-girlfriend, Trash, who wants his balls on a spit.

It’s pretty obvious that the intent was to make Alien a likeable rogue, Han Solo-style. Unfortunately, they forgot the “likeable” part; he’s deceitful, selfish, and appallingly unheroic to be the hero in this story. How unheroic? Let me put it this way: By comparison, I actually liked the “smart as a tack, I can solve anything” kid. That’s how bad.

You know that they finally band together to go get the water, almost like a little family (awww), and Alien regains the car (which Papillon had inexplicably acquired), and there’s a final showdown with the Exterminators…

And then we end with the most disgusting deus ex machina cheater ending I’ve seen in months.

The worst thing about this movie is its apathy. The settings are the standard deserts and gravel pits; the skies are always overcast; the colors are washed out; the costumes are lackluster; and the voiceover actors sound as if they’d just awakened from an all-night pizza party.

Sigh.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 26
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 43
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• “homages” to Raiders of the Lost Ark: 1
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0