• Directed by Bryan Michael Stoller
• Written by Parker Bostwick
• Starring
  • Robert Chapin
  • Mike Norris
  • Cathleen Ann Gardner
  • Cole Andersen
  • Kayla Murphy
• Produced by Soly Bina
• Executive produced by David Heavener

Despite the nigh-universal diminishing returns of quality on sequels, I thought I might luck out with this one. After all, the first Dragon Fury was written, produced, and directed by David Heavener, and most if its intense suckiness can be traced back to that there very fact. The sequel, though, only showed Heavener credited as executive producer, with the hands-on tasks famed out to even lesser-knowns. It may be bad — as anything that tried to milk the first Dragon Fury would have to be — but hey, it couldn’t really be worse than the first, could it?

Ha. Ha ha. Ha. Ha ha MAKE IT STOP.

When last we left our hero, Mason (Robert Chapin), he had just been effectively disemboweled by Richard Lynch in the twentieth century before he could get back through the time portal. Now, according to the voiceover exposition by twelve-year-old Tara the Psychic Waif (Kayla Murphy), it’s fifteen years later, and Mason’s in a cryonic chamber (for which, no lie, somebody got a special credit in the opening crawl, so look long and look hard), under the care of his sidekick from the first movie. Huh? It took me a minute to realize that it must therefore mean it’s fifteen years after that point in the future to which the time portal led, which means that he must have made it back somehow or other. In all that time, Milton has been working on some way to heal him so that he won’t die instantly when brought out of suspension. The years have been hard to Milton, so much so that he’s morphed into an entirely different actor (Cole Anderson).

Beakers? Of colored liquid? But that must mean — there’s SCIENCE going on here!

Milton’s miracle cure is a combination of colored chemicals mixed in a syringe, which, when squirted on Mason’s thawing abdomen, instantly heal his wound. Unfortunately… he wakes up with amnesia! (Given that that was half of the plotline of the first movie too, it seems that Mason is one of those poor individuals especially prone to memory loss.) He reacts belligerently to Milton and stumbles out into the night.

Meanwhile, in what looks like a slightly rundown antebellum mansion, kickboxing tough chick Crystal (Cathleen Ann Gardner) practices her moves on a punching bag until her surrogate little sister Tara has a vision that they’re about to be attacked — by the Dragons! Not to worry, though; the Dragons are five ubermacho fighters who not only observe the normal rule about attacking a lone opponent sequentially, but go so far as to not even approach until the previous Dragon has been knocked flat on his ass. One manages to get inside the house, but after he’s dispatched, the rest just kinda pick themselves up and go home, all bummed out.

“Home” is another palatial estate, where they are naturally berated for their failure by the oogie-boogie bad guy, Molech (Mike Norris — yes, that’s Chuck’s younger brother), who likes to sit in the dark, wearing a face-covering cowl like the Emperor. He’s got it in for Crystal because she’s the leader of the Jurku Warriors (of whom there seem to be about as many as his henchmen), and because she once splashed plutonium on his face and gave him his Vocoder-processed voice.

Oh, and he also wants a computer in Milton’s possession which will give him mind control over everyone on the planet. So he and his posse wander out of the house, over to Milton’s (Milton’s out looking for Mason), in through the open front door, pick up the laptop, and take it back home, setting fire to the lab on the way out. Way to hide a potentially-catastrophic weapon from the evil overlord, Milton!

Presenting… the world’s smallest Japanese flag!

But there’s a missing component that won’t allow the computer to control the bad CGI mind-control satellite. A missing chip, the computer cheerfully informs Molech. (Yup, this computer can actually say, “There’s a component missing on my motherboard” instead of giving the Blue Screen of Death.) And where is that missing chip?

Homeless Milton tells Crystal where it is when he arrives at her place: It’s in the locket her father gave her. (No one ever answers the big question here: Why are we keeping this satellite around in the first place? Is there anything good that can come from keeping a mind-control weapon around until the evil overlord can get his paws on it?) Oh, he also tells her that the legendary Jurtu warrior Mason is back, but since he’s got amnesia, he’s not much good to them.

And where is Mason, anyway? Well, over at Molech’s pad, he’s auditioning new fighters to join the Dragons, which means about ten minutes of padding as each of the local karate club’s best students come and give their little exhibitions for the movie. Mason wanders onto the premises and beats up the Dragon’s annoying leader, Walter (Walter Oneill). How annoying? His character should be named “Lenny.” He brings Mason to Molech’s attention, Mason easily beats up the Dragons all at once, and ta-dah! he’s invited into the clubhouse.

That night, Molech’s dragons go back to the Jurtu place to find the chip, which results in yet more martial arts padding. See, there are exactly as many Jurtu as there are Dragons, so they each pair off and fight for TEN MINUTES before anyone draws blood. And it’s not that much fun to watch, either; the choreography looks like the main goal was to make sure that there was no possibility that any of the performers might actually get hurt. But at least that’s action. Mason and Crystal, meanwhile, square off — and stare at each other for the entire time. I guess it’s instant attraction; after all, they are apparently the last two blondes in the post-apocalyptic world, and thus it’s their responsibility to rebuild the Aryan race, right?

Now THAT’S a first date.

When the Dragons finally knock all of their opponents down, they all hustle Crystal back to Molech’s place, where he plans to torture the whereabouts of the missing chip out of her. Boy, if only there were a twelve-year-old waif and a slow-moving old man who could rescue her… Oh wait, there are. You can tell that Milton’s a Man of Science from his cunningly-formulated plan: Throw a Molotov cocktail at the evil overlord’s lone guard, and throw a smokebomb in through the second-story window where he instinctively knows they’re holding her. Molech and his Dragons all immediately leave the room, except for Mason, who decides to cut her bonds and let her go. She runs outside… and there’s Milton and Tara still standing there, apparently not planning on going in after her or anything. Heck, they did their part. (And where did Molech and company go when they left the interrogation room? I would have thought that their first stop would have been to see who threw a smokebomb through their window in the first place. Guess that shows what kind of lousy evil overlord I’d make.)

When Milton gets Crystal back to treat her wounds, it takes her a minute to even remember that Mason was there. “Oh wait — there WAS a tall blond mulleted chap who cut my bonds and saved my life. Slipped my mind.” Then Tara has another one of her little visions and proclaims, “He’s in danger!” So Crystal heads back over to Molech’s (boy, it’s a good thing that the warring forces of good and evil live in the same neighborhood). Mason’s wrists have been tied, and for his lapse in judgement he is punished with — more martial arts exhibitions! Yup, each of the Dragons does their little “This is why I look impressive from afar” displays before they finally attack him to take his life. Naturally, even without a weapon and with his wrists tied, Mason stomps them. It takes Molech himself to finally hit him with a stungun, and have his girltoys drag him outside. (Why not just kill him? You forget, civilization-destroying apocalypses only wipe out the smart people.)

And thus, it’s easy for Crystal to knock away the two girls and heave ol’ Mason home, where, on his awakening, they immediately have Movie Sex. You know the type: The girl sits up top with the sheet tucked tightly around her hips, rolling her head slowly around, while candles glow in the foreground. (My wife was watching with me. I asked her, “Howcome you never roll your head around like that?” Her reply: “My neck usually doesn’t get stiff during sex.”)

And immediately afterward… the Dragons attack again! Guys, give it up; she can take you single-handed, and he can take you single-handed. What chance do you think you have teaming up on both of them? Yet another string of one-at-a-time bouts later, Molech sneaks inside and traps Tara as his hostage. Somehow, he instinctively knows the missing piece is in Crystal’s locket. Except they’ve moved it to the second most likely spot: Tara’s stuffed bear. Molech grabs the chip, laughs evilly — and then pulls out his gun and shoots Crystal through the chest.

Senator Palpatine had an early career as a featherweight boxer.

First off, the little issue: If you’ve got a gun, why the yippee-ki-yay haven’t you ever pulled it out before now and saved you and your hapless Dragons some painful embarrassment? And the second issue: Ladies, do NOT sleep with Mason! Between the last movie and this one, it’s been conclusively demonstrated that any woman who slips between the sheets with him has about a five-minute life expectancy. I haven’t seen this kind of dependable love-interest mortality since Miami Vice went off the air. (The third issue is that the blood pack under Crystal’s tight white T-shirt was about as obvious as a first-generation Walkman.)

So alas, they bury Crystal, and Mason vows revenge and such, but Milton drops the final shoe: Molech still needs the password, and only Milton knows it, which means he’d better get himself into harm’s way as soon as possible, right? Mason races off to Molech’s place to fight his remaining posse, and because this is a stupid movie, the showdown battle between Mason and Molech has to be done voluntarily hand-to-hand. And Molech wins, actually, but since this is a stupid movie, he leaves Mason alive but unconscious while he goes to find Milton and the password. All he has to do is get in his car and drive through about ten miles of snowy countryside.

You’d like to think I’m kidding, wouldn’t you? But no. Despite the fact that up until now Molech’s place and Crystal’s place have been close enough that they could trot next door to borrow a cup of sugar, this time he’s got to go out, get in a car, and drive across miles of dirt roads (covered with an inconveniently-timed dusting of snow), and wind his way across the landscape (try not to notice the easily-visible residential dwellings in the background) while trying to keep his floppy cowl out of his face.

Is there any way that Mason can catch up? But of course! He runs out the door of Molech’s house, and waiting for him right out front is –

– A horse.

All saddled and waiting to be ridden.

Is this movie TRYING to be a comedy?! Not a bit of the intentional humor works (most especially fast-talking Odious Comedy Relief Walter), but it sure seems like everyone’s going out of their way to make sure that no one could possibly take this seriously.

Cool — it’s the Bunny Hop!

So. The horse. Mason rides off after Molech, who conveniently drives up a dirt ramp and flips his car — which, just as conveniently, explodes. (Um, there’s the gas tank, very visible and very intact. What exploded, the volatile upholstery?) Mason is knocked off the horse by the blast (the horse itself seems to take no notice). And who should show up? “Hi, I’m Milton, and I’d just like to be in a convenient place for the evil overlord to throttle the secret of the password out of me.” Which he does, and the password is (gasp!) “Crystal.”

Molech runs a safe distance away, laptop in hand, and boots up to input the password. Will it work? Will Molech be able to harness the power of the incredibly ill-conceived mind control satellite, and thus control the walnut-sized minds of the couple dozen people left on earth (again, ignoring all the ranch-style houses visible in the background)?

Of course not. Milton didn’t tell him that the password is actually spelled “Krystal,” and typing it in with a “C” will activate the satellite’s self-defense mechanism. A red beam lances from the heavens, leaving nothing but Molech’s hooded robe behind.

And after the obligatory wrapping-up scene of comic relief, we’re finally done.

It’s rare that I encounter a movie so overflowing with stupidity at every moment; there’s not so much as a single scene that isn’t just completely wrong in so many ways. It’s like David Heavener threw money at the least competent filmmakers he could find and told them, “Go out and make a sequel so bad it will make my original look good by comparison.”

If there’s any minuscule consolation to be had from any of this (sometimes, you’ve desperately got to find a silver lining before despair overwhelms you), it’s that there’s no sign that anyone has ever broached the idea of a Dragon Fury 3.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 15 (plus 10 from flashback footage from the first movie)
• breasts: 4
• explosions: 2
• dream sequences: 1
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0