Cold Fusion Video Reviews

aka Demonic Toys: Personal Demons

• Written and directed by William Butler
• Starring
  • Selene Luna
  • Lane Compton
  • Alli Kinzel
  • Elizabeth Bell
  • Michael Citriniti
• Produced by Charles Band

After William Butler’s massively entertaining turn writing and directing Gingerdead Man 2 (2008), I had hoped that he would bring that same savage sense of humor to bear on Demonic Toys 2, which is actually the fourth appearance of that franchise (after 1993’s Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, and the 2004 Sci-Fi Original Puppetmaster vs. Demonic Toys, which was made entirely without Charles Band’s input). Unfortunately, it seems that Butler blew off his entire reservoir of bile in his last Full Moon movie; Demonic Toys 2 resembles Skulls Heads (2009) more than it does Gingerdead Man 2. The resemblance is a literal one, too: shot again in Band’s family castle outside of Rome, photographed again by Terrance Ryker with repurposed music from Richard Band, it seems more than anything to be an excuse to amortize the cost of turning the lights on in the castle.

Our characters all come together on the front steps of the castle:

- Caitlin (Alli Kinzel), a young and geek-cute PhD overseeing excavations in the 13th-century castle before it’s turned over to the Italian government as a historical site (in fact, she seems to be the entire excavation team);

“Hey! No coatracks!”

- Mr. Butterfield (diminutive character actor Leslie Jordan), an expert in antique toys (introduced in fact as “an expert in carbon-dating toys,” a skill which never comes into play);

- Dr. Lorca (Michael Citriniti), a character whom we had thought dead at the end of 1997’s Hideous!, and who bears a Krueger-like acid burn scar down the left side of his face as a token of his survival;

- Lauraline Dane (Elizabeth Bell), Lorca’s young/hot/bitchy fiancee who practically advertises her gold-digger status by constantly calling Lorca “Daddy”;

- David (Lane Compton), Lauraline’s stepson from a previous marriage who’s just old enough to be the perfect romantic interest for Caitlin;

“Boogah! Boogah boogah!”

- Lillith (Selena Luna), a dwarf medium who travels with Lorca’s posse just because (I suppose we could attribute her employment to Lorca’s passion for collecting oddities, but that wouldn’t be kind);

- Eric (William Marquart), Lorca and Lauraline’s cowboy-hatted driver.

Lorca is here to see and purchase something Caitlin dug up in the castle’s dungeon: a sinister wood-and-clockwork doll christened “Divoletto.” (Note: You are meant to believe that it’s entirely reasonable for Caitlin to sell this toy off to a collector instead of preserving it as part of the heritage of this historic structure.) He’s already been on a collecting jaunt, as we can tell from the crate in the back of his SUV which contains the stitched-together forms of two of the Demonic Toys, Baby Oopsie-Daisy and the Jack-in-the-Box. (Under the opening credits, we saw rubber-gloved hands retrieve the toy parts from a slimy trashpile and stitch them back together.) He has Eric bring in the crate for security – you never know who’ll be lurking in an Italian hamlet to get their hands on some second-hand toys – and then promptly leaves it in the anteroom of the castle with the doors wide open.

Psst. Chuckie called. He wants his look back.

Caitlin gives them a quick tour and history of the place, including its most infamous occupant, the Lady Fiora, who dabbled in the dark arts and is represented by a very angry-looking painting in the dining room. Then to what everyone came for: Divoletto, kept in yet another wooden crate. If you tap the crate with the included wand, Diveletto moves! It’s supposed to be clockwork and springs reacting to a magnet in the wand. Yeah, pull the other one. No one there, Caitlin included, knows how your supposed to handle a perishable centuries-old artifact. But at least Butterfield is there to say, “Absolutely authentic!” Glad you came along, sir.

But then Eric bursts in with news that the cars are gone! It’s too late to call the rental place for a replacement, so they’ll all have to stay for the night. Fortunately, despite the fact that Caitlin’s prepping the castle for turnover to the government as a historical site, there are plenty of comfy beds and a well-stocked larder. But Divoletto isn’t only mobile when tapped with the wand, no; for reasons known only to himself, he chooses that night to animate himself and goes scurrying through the castle, babbling to himself like an Italian chipmunk. He finds the crate with Baby Oopsie-Daisy and Jack in the Box, there’s a mystic CG lightshow, and presto – three little toys are going to terrorize seven full-grown (well, mostly) adults!

All the other kids at the rave are going to be jealous, you know.

The puppetry has fallen far since the days of the original Demonic Toys; Baby Oopsie-Daisy is the only one that really speaks (swears like a sailor, actually), and his/her mouth is a lot less articulated than the original prop was. Deficiencies in the FX would be more readily forgiven, though, if the toys, both antique and modern, had a motive for violence that went beyond “being in a Charles Band movie.” Heaven help anyone who comes into this movie without seeing a previous Demonic Toys movie; all they’d know is that there are toys, and they decide to kill people. There’s a scene later in which Lillith holds a séance and becomes possessed by the spirit of Lady Fiora, and I think that what she says is meant to be the necessary exposition we’ve all been waiting for concerning Divolletto, but because Lillith is possessed, her voice is processed to make it sound “scary” to the point that she sounds like a grizzly bear who’s been sucking helium; I couldn’t make out one word in three.

As with many later installments in franchises from Full Moon and others, there are lots of human subplot thrown in to distract us from the fact that the title creatures are cheap or boring; in this case, Lauraline actually hates Lorca, and is working with her lover Eric the driver; she had him hide the cars, and their plan is to replace Divoletto with an exact replica that they brought, then abscond with the real one and sell him somewhere else in Europe. Pretty much any good fence will tell you that unique items are hard to sell off, but it’s a moot point; after the subplot has taken up the requisite screentime, both Eric and Lauraline meet their ends at the hands of toys.

True (and cute) love conquers all, naturally.

As with most of the recent crop from Full Moon, the pacing and editing are leaden (or, more charitably, “languid”) to help stretch out the story to 75 minutes, not counting closing credits. The acting is uniformly adequate, though none of the performers are given much to do. Yet again, the point of the movie is to fill a DVD box, not really to entertain the audience.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 4
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 1
• dwarfs: 1
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek:1
  • Leslie Jordan (Mr. Butterfield) played “Kol” on the Voyager episode “False Profits”