• Written and directed by Dave Parker
• Starring
  • Eric Clawson
  • Jamie Donahue
  • Matt Stephens
  • Brett Beardslee
  • Wendy Speake
• Produced by Kirk Edward Hansen and Dana Scanlan
• Executive produced by Charles Band

That’s right — Full Moon’s first real zombie film. And it’s about what you’d expect from a Full Moon flick that tried to emulate Fulci and Argento.

First: A dark-hard and bearded man speaks into a video camera. (Since no one ever says his name, I just called him “Rob Zombie” all the way through. The credits list his name as “Eibon,” which writer/director Dave Parker says was inspired by a book mentioned in Fulci’s The Beyond; if he had dug a little deeper, he would have found that Fulci got it from Lovecraft, and Lovecraft got if from Clark Ashton Smith — but I digress.) He’s ranting on about how he’ll raise an undead army — and then a zombie bursts in and kills him.

Next we go to an autopsy room at night, where a pretty doctor is getting ready to perform an autopsy on a young man with multiple chainsaw wounds and half of his skull protruding from his skull. When she turns around, the cadaver is gone; spooked, she tries to leave, but her way is blocked by the now-reanimated corpse. He cuts her throat with a scalpel, then places her body on the examination table and crawls on top to make out with her; halfway through, her eyes open, and she reciprocates with great gusto.

“Cut!” says the director, David Poe, and we find out that this autopsy scene was all part of his zombie movie. We also find out that the pretty doctor is Shelly, his sister, and that the cadaver is Eric, a hopeful actor nervous that this movie will give him the wrong kind of exposure. “Don’t worry!” says David. “You’ll be the next David Warbeck!” “Who?” (It’s another The Beyond reference.)

Oh yeah, David’s other sister Nina shows up; she’s the bitchy, pushy one, who’s furious that Shelly was playing the role David promised to her (even though she’s two hours late for shooting) and demands they do it again. She’s also fronting the production money, so David’s in a bind.

And let’s also mention Chaz, the dreadlocked stoner who runs the camera, and Paul, the effects guy who’s been David’s best friend forever, and who has the hots for Shelly. We also get to meet Topaz, the semi-Goth chick (that is, the goth chick toned down to make her a sympathetic heroine), the production assistant with the glamorous task of picking up FX supplies, including ten boxes of dry condoms from a corner store (the irritating clerk is played by director Dave Parker). Oh yeah, there’s also Marcus, the gopher and zombie extra, who spends the entire movie with his brain showing through his scalp.

Altogether? Okay. As Paul prepares the next effects shot, Eric and Shelly go exploring a bit. They discover a trashed room with a TV monitor showing static (and blood down the screen), and a camcorder. They hook the two up, and there’s Eibon, ranting about his door to the undead. Shelly assumes it’s part of David’s footage; when Topaz shows up to usher them back to the set, Shelly asks her to retrieve the tape before she comes back.

Topaz explores a little more, then buzzes the others on her walkie-talkie tells them to come back. She’s found a boiler room filled with samples in jars, and a big mystical coffin-like thing. David thinks its great, and starts working it into the plot. he opens it, and out falls Eibon (dead).

Everyone freaks, but David insists they can’t call the police; they’re shooting there illegally as it is, and if there’s an investigation, there goes the movie. In fact, he wants to use the body in the movie. He manages to convince everyone, except Shelly, who storms back off to their makeup room (which also doubles as their indoor graveyard set). David sends Marcus to make sure she’s okay, then they starting setting up shooting. (Eric’s really worried now. “Don’t worry,” says David. “You’ll be the next Dick Miller.” “Who?”)

So they get Eric out of makeup for the next scene, where he closes the coffin on Eibon and rants about creating his army of the undead. He flips a switch on the side and puts a medallion-like thing into a slot on the front. To everyone’s surprise, the thing lights up, and colored smoke starts pouring out. David keeps the camera rolling; suddenly the door opens and hands drag Eric back in. Blood pours out, beneath the smoke. Then Eric’s body is thrown back out on top of David, and out comes Eibon, followed by two zombies. One is thick and muscular, bald, with no nose or lips (he’s the face on the video cover); according to the credits, he’s “Maggot.” The other is preternaturally tall, with huge hands, and a brow that hangs over his face like an awning. The credits list him (quite appropriately) as “Gaunt.” I’ve got to tell you, I was disappointed because I thought the brow ridge was completely excessive and unbelievable. Little did I know — in the “making of” footage after the movie, the actor shows up — and the brow ridge is his! I mean, he’s got a forehead that would put a Neanderthal to shame (and a voice like Andre the Giant).

Anyway, Chaz and Paul run one way, and Topaz and David run a different way. (Nina’s not there; she’s lost, as usual.) The rest of the movie is mostly a chase, with the survivors trying to figure out how to get rid of the zombies.

Some cool things:

- It turns out that the hospital is now in some kind of nether realm; when Chaz manages to break open a window to escape, something outside bites his head off. (I have a script I’ve been working on in which an identical thing happens; looks like I’ll have to rewrite.)

- When Marcus meets up with Maggot, the zombie is initially confused — is this guy one of the dead or not? David and Paul use this knowledge later to get by the dead; they slap on some appliances and greasepaint, and masquerade as zombies themselves.

- Ariauna Albright of Tempe Video (Bloodletting) has a small part, as Eibon’s significant other Ellie; she appears as a cadaver in a flashback, and as a zombie for a few seconds.

- In-references abound, to the point that this flick almost becomes the zombie fan version of Free Enterprise. In addition to the David Warback and Dick Miller quotes, there’s a “Fulci Lives!” bumper sticker, and multiple references to Romero, Carpenter, Raimi and Savini. (At one point, director Dave Parker hard campaigned for Savini to play Eibon.) And in a moment of stress, David brainstorms, “What would Bruce Campbell do?” There’s also a sly reference to the machete shot from Dawn of the Dead; it’s a hoot for those who get it.

All told, it’s an amusing tale, though it doesn’t approach the sheer gritty perversity of the zombie epics they reference. (According to the making-of segment, which replaces the traditional VideoZone, director Parker had movie marathon parties with the cast, showing them the movies they would be trying to emulate.) There’s still that feel of “primary colors” common to all Full Moon flicks, and even though the zombie throng enlarges significantly, there’s still not the overwhelmed sense of a good living dead movie.

Nevertheless, it’s actually an improvement over several recent Full Moon releases. And given the budgetary requirements (a ten-day shoot and a $150,000 budget, according to Fangoria), it’s actually an accomplished little piece. Do the b-movie contingent a favor and rent it as a new release, so that Charles Band will know that even the slightest bit of quality is appreciated.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 5
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 1
• dream sequences: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 1
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 1
  • Wendy Speake (Shelley) played “Technician #2″ in the Voyager episode “Friendship One” [which was broadcast after this review was originally posted, but was pointed out to me by Ms. Speake's most militant groupie, Lazlo Strivenka]