aka Parasite

• Directed by D.J. Webster
• Written by Carey and Chad Hayes
• Starring
  • Joe Turkel
  • Robert Sampson
  • Wendy MacDonald

Let’s see if I can make sense of this movie in one sentence:

“The Bermuda Triangle is connected to a place on the moon, and Satan’s behind it all, and some really weird shit happens.”

Nope. Couldn’t do it.

This movie makes absolutely no sense at all. We follow Spacecore 1, a spaceship that fixes the atomic satellites in earth’s orbit. They have some inexplicable power failures, and then encounter Discovery 18, a space shuttle that was lost off the coast of Florida in 1992 (in the Bermuda Triangle, natch), with one recently dead crewman still aboard, with a triangular section cut out of his midriff.

But of course he’s not really dead, in fact he’s possessed by Satan (you can tell because his eyes turn reptilian and he speaks like Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters and says such things as “Here is wisdom, let him that hath understanding count the number of my name”). He then proceeds to possess other people, cutting out their triangles.

Apparently, there’s some corridor between the Centrus B-40 area of the dark side of the moon and the Bermuda Triangle, and there have been 665 missing vessels up to now, which would make Spacecore 1 the 666th. (Satan keeps score by vessel? I’d think he’d be more interested in headcount.) And somehow by possessing all these people he gains more power in his fight against God, and…

Dear heavens, this movie was a joke. Just plain stupid stuff happens in great abundance. My favorite inexplicably lame part is the fact that the ship’s computer is named Lesli and interfaces with the crew as a drop-dead gorgeous android who sits in her chair in a slinky position, wearing a short faux-leather skirt suit. Huh? That’s all she does — sits in her chair in a special room and answers questions.

Oh, yeah — she’s about the best actor on board. Aside from her, we’ve got young buck Giles, played by Chris O’Donnell-lookalike Will Bledsoe, and Captain Flynn, played by Robert Sampson (last seen on this site in The Arrival — he chooses roles of a consistent quality). The rest of the cast is even less worthy of note.

What’s worse, this really isn’t the Alien ripoff that the box copy would indicate. It’s more of a “Prince of Darkness in space,” or a distant cousin of Event Horizon.

Blech.