Caveman (1981)

Posted on Feb 27, 2002 under Comedy, Sci-fi |

Directed by Carl Gottlieb
Written by Randy De Luca and Carl Gottlieb
Starring
- Ringo Starr
- Dennis Quaid
- Shelley Long
- John Matuszak
- Barbara Bach

I realize that many of my recent reviews have made me look like an unpleasable hard-ass. I would rather think that a spate of lackluster movies on my plate has been the cause of my general pissiness, rather than the pissiness resulting in lackluster reviews. I’m honestly not that hard to please. Really. All a movie has to do to get the general approval of my eyes and brain is simply to entertain me — or, more specifically, to deliver what it promises. I don’t demand that every movie be as challenging as Citizen Kane or Pi, or that it have the whiz-bang visuals of The Matrix. If all a movie aspires to be is an adequate Alien ripoff, I’ll be more than willing to tout its virtues if only it fulfills that simple ambition. (Thus my enjoyment of Carnosaur 2.) If it wants to be a pretty obvious homage to zombie films, more power to it. (That’s The Dead Hate the Living.) Sooner or later I’ll get around to reviewing some Surrender Cinema releases, and I probably won’t give them too terrible ratings — after all, they only want to be fairly innocuous genre-themed softcore excuses, and no one can argue that they don’t deliver exactly that. On the other hand, if the movie’s a suspense flick that drags like seatbelt hanging out the car door, or a comedy that obstinately refuses to present anything remotely funny, or a horror flick that steadfastly avoids building any tension or terror, I’ll be the first to break another can of whupass out of the sixpack.

Despite being the hero, this is the only lip action Ringo gets all movie.

These are the standards by which I judge movies, and thus they are the standards by which I can pat Caveman on the head and say, with all the sacrilegious overtones that a good Mormon boy like me can muster, “Well done, my faithful entertainment vehicle. Thou hast kept me amused for an hour and a half, without starting to smell up the joint like a blue cheese & smoked oyster casserole left on the counter overnight. I am willing to overlook all of thy faults, for they have remained in the background and did not trouble or pain my brain. Enter thee into the rest prepared for all movies which manage to be worth the time it took for me to watch them.”

I will further state that the sexism to be found here didn’t cause me that bizarre form of cognitive dissonance I felt while laughing at the antics in When Women Had Tails. Not that sexism is nonexistent — far from it. I mean, this is a caveman movie! Given the general cliches that the concept has become attached to in Western civilization (you know, “men bonk women on the heads and drag them back to a life of breeding”), there’s no way in hell that we could hope to purge all sexist references from a neolithic comedy, nor am I sure that we’d want to. But they remain generally innocuous and well-intentioned; the spectre of Kay Cook didn’t even threaten to make its presence known.

Why do mainstream anthropologists continue to ignore the overwhelming evidence for prehistoric hair-crimpers?!

Our hero in the far-flung era of “One Zillion B.C. - October 9th” is Atouk, ineffectual nebbish of our tribe of stoop-shouldered cavemen. Atouk is played by Ringo Starr, who is quite probably the best possible choice for a Stone Age nebbish. Despite being an inventive little guy, his lack of physical prowess means he gets to collect very little food, and always gets beaten on by tribal chief Tonda (John Matuszak — similarly, the best possible choice for the thick-headed leader of a Stone Age tribe). His only friend is Lar (Dennis Quaid, who’s a pretty good approximation of the noble Cro-Magnon himself), who gets himself injured and thus banished as a result of an altercation with a huge stop-motion chameleon creature. (There are several of these chameleon creatures throughout the movie, and they’re definitely one of the high points. Of course, I’ve always loved the way that chameleon eyes movie independent of each other, so maybe I’m an easy mark.)

I’ll digress here and mention that the “script” probably wouldn’t much resemble what you’re used to seeing in a script, since everyone speaks a made-up caveman language. In much the same fashion as When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, we’ve got an entire lingo made up of roughly a dozen words. The main difference is this: In When Dinosaurs…, the characters were apparently happy expressing only sentiments and ideas possible with those dozen words (which is a taken-to-extremes version of the findings of real-world cognitive sciences that the language which we have to express ideas influences greatly the initial formation of those ideas). By contrast, it seems that everyone in Caveman is frustrated and hampered by their dozen-word vocabulary, and so any more intensive description or narrative is chock full of omomatopeia and heartfelt grunts to fill in the blanks between actual words. I’m not sure if this was an intentional comedic feature, or simple laziness on the part of the language-creating writers, but whichever it is, it helps add to the light-hearted, “can’t take this seriously” tone.

So. Which of these three is least likely to list this movie on his or her resume?

More than the loss of his friend, though Atouk’s main concern is his crush on Tonda’s woman Lana (Barbara Bach). Like a proper lovestruck geek, he gives her fruit and such, only to have her share it with Tonda. Eventually, after Atouk is used as a guinea pig for an unknown berry and discovers that it’s a knock-out fruit, he tricks Tonda and Lana into eating some and then tries to get some unconscious lovin’ — with many pratfalls and wacky results. Suffice it to say that Tonda wakes up suddenly to find Atouk athwart him, and Atouk find himself quickly banished.

He manages to run across Lar, though, and the two of them make an important accidental discovery: true bipedalism! See, they run to hug each other (in slow motion, no less), and as their arms wrap around each other’s waists, there’s a “cracksnap,” and suddenly they’re walking upright.

It’s a momentous discovery, and Atouk and Lar have a chance to share it soon when they run across Tala (Shelley Long) and her old blindman companion Gog (Jack Gilford) and save Gog from a tar pit. Crick! Snap! There are now two more true bipeds in the world. Gilford is another real show-stealer, stumbling around with an amazed and senile expression on his face; and Long’s pretty amusing too, giving all of her lines with the same inflection and character as she used starting the next year on Cheers. (Of course, I can’t really imagine Diane matter-of-factly telling Ringo Starr, “Gog pooka.”¹

Um, fellas… When has this EVER been a good idea?

Atouk finds himself a de facto leader of a tribe of misfits, as other wanderers end up following him: A family with bones in their hair, and a roving handful of people apparently kicked out of several different tribes. (Among them are a black man, a dwarf, a gay couple, a white guy with a bird for a hat [never did figure out what his deal was], and an Asian). Then follows an amazing string of discoveries: The tree they take refuge from the rain under gets hit by lightning, so fire drops almost literally into their laps. Then Atouk accidentally discovered roast chicken when he tries to help pull a bird apart over the fire. They also manage to create rhythm, music, and dancing. And fried eggs, sunny-side up.

Naturally, since he didn’t move far from Tonda’s tribe, Atouk’s still going to run across them, and frankly, Tonda’s goons can still kick Atouk and friends’ asses. But again, owing to his native inventiveness, Atouk also manages to invent/discover armor, spears, stone-bladed hatchets, catapults, smoke bombs, and the domestication of giant chameleon creatures. (In case you’re wondering, the caveman word for that is “macha,” which also includes the tubby T-rex that keeps showing up. I guess “macha” more precisely translates as “big-ass reptile that could stomp me flat.”) I’m kinda surprised that the recurve bow didn’t show up in there somewhere.

Will Atouk keep chasing after Lara, who shows herself to be an opportunistic little tramp? Or will he realize the love right beside him in the admiring Tala? Will he be able to rescue Lar from the Abominable Snowman (Richard Moll, in a small role that showcases his perfect comic timing)?

**“I never thought it would be possible to eat too many Krispy Kremes…”**

What keeps all of this from being another mediocre comedy is the sheer number of gags. Most of them are small — not a lot of belly-laughs here — but the sheer number of them keeps the momentum going. That, and the fact that the performers aren’t visibly embarrassed, despite having every reason to be. I mean, this still isn’t high art here, and I’m betting that Quaid and Long are probably looking back and feeling that they could really do without having this movie to their credit. (Whereas Bach would probably be glad to do a sequel, just to have some work again.)

Want further evidence that the movie’s a low-key charmer? Despite their love/hate roles, Starr and Bach got married not long after shooting was done, and are still together. I guess there’s something to be said for the primitive approach after all.