Cold Fusion Video Reviews

• No real director(s) or writer(s)
• Starring
  • Adrienne Barbeau
  • Joe Estevez
  • Morgan Fairchild
  • Shannon Tweed

This movie is incredibly dumb.

I’m actually tempted to end my review right there, lest I end up putting more thought into the review than the “filmmakers” (i.e., editors) did into the actual video. Nevertheless:

The idea behind this video was to take footage from several bimbo movies (notably those available from Charles Band’s Cult Video label) and splice them together into a new movie. Unfortunately, the “filmmakers” (i.e., editors) got so caught up in the plots of a couple of movies that they threw in huge chunks of them — not only derailing what they were trying to do, but also ruining those movies for the viewer.

The nominal plot is sort of an Independence Day thing; Day 1, the invading bimbos land; Day 2, pandemonium reigns; Day 47, earth finally fights back.

But, like I said, we instead got trimmed down versions of a couple of movies (the most notable being Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and Test Tube Teens From the Year 2000), plus other inane clips with supposedly comedic re-dubbing.

The official list of “contributing” movies from the closing credits was:

• Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death
• Virgin Hunters (aka Test Tube Teens From the Year 2000)
• Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity
• Bad Channels
• Blonde Heaven
• The Day Time Ended
• End of the World
• Dr. Alien
• Beach Babes From Beyond
• Beach Babes 2
• Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
• Galactic Gigolo
• Fairy Tales
• Cemetery High
• Assault of the Killer Bimbos

In addition, I recognized footage from:

• Dollman
• Planet of the Dinosaurs
• Seedpeople
• Laserblast
• Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight
• the Patterson “Bigfoot” footage

There were, in this entire 90 minutes, exactly four instances that struck me as witty (aside from the straight contents of the movies themselves, which I’m sure I would appreciate more in their complete settings):

1) A model ship flies over LA. Caption: “Los Angeles.” Then in flies over NY. Caption: “New York.” Then in flies over some model city. Caption: “Model City.”

2) At one point, when some bimbos are walking on the scene, the dubbed voiceover says, “So — this is Planet Houston.”

3) At two points, after a joke has been set up, a placard comes up that reads, “Place Your Own Joke Here.”

4) They took repeated potshots at Joe Estevez (and you’ve gotta be a b-movie fan to think that’s funny).

That’s it. That’s all of any value that I was able to cull from this. It was like Amazon Women on the Moon, but even less amusing (though with more boobs).

My advice is to see all of the movies in the above two lists and leave this sorry piece of flotsam on the shelves.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 9
• breasts (trying to count each only once): 36
• explosions (again, trying to count each only once): 14
• dream sequences: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 2 that I could find
  • Adrienne Barbeau played “Senator Cretak” on a 7th season DS9;
  • and Ian Abercrombie was on a 5th season Voyager