- Written and directed by Jon Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour
- Starring
- Debbie Rochon
- Russ Russo
- Leah Ford
- Sheri Bomb
- Katie Gil
- Produced by Robet Cosgrove, Sheri Toczko, and Russ Russo
- Executive produced by Bruce Seymour
The credits for Bikini Bloodbath (2006) have considerable overlap with those of The Land of College Prophets (2005), a movie which… well, other people liked it. Me, I thought it was both adolescent and pretentious (a not-uncommon combination). Bikini Bloodbath shows the next step in the artistic development of this band of indie filmmakers: winking horror parody. That hasn’t been a fresh or innovative angle for at least twenty years, but at least this movie isn’t weighed down with portents of Meaning and Significance. In fact, it looks like they went off the other end of the scale.
The trailer really nails it: “A group of teens plan a party. A murder [sic] is on the loose. And that’s about it for the plot.” There is a killer chef (Robert Cosgrove) wandering the environs of suburban Everyville, USA, as announced in time-honored fashion by radio bulletins which nobody listens to. There’s also a bevy of “high school seniors,” played mostly by actresses who wouldn’t get carded at any liquor store in the nation. Eventually the girls are going to be attacked at a slumber party by the chef, but since the movie takes forever to get us to that point, I don’t feel the need to hurry to the payoff either.
See? I can’t tell them apart.
The nearest approximation of a protagonist/final girl is also the first person we meet, high school senior Jenny (Leah Ford). She also contributes the first two marks in our breast tally, thanks to her habit of sleeping in only bikini briefs. From what we see of her school day, the only class she has is gym, presided over by barely-veiled-lesbian Miss Johnson (Debbie Rochon). It’s a small class of nine girls total — seven of whom are, like Jenny, stylish and superficial. The ninth, Suzy (Sheri Bomb), appears just as skanky as the other girls, but she wears glasses, and I guess that’s enough to justify ostracism.
Our introduction to out interchangeable bimbettes accomplished (along with the requisite group shower scene), we move closer to the meat of the movie: Jenny’s parents are out of town, so the girls plan an End-of-Senior-Years bash at her house that night for girls only. (Suzy’s not invited, of course.) Before we can get to the party, though, we need to pad pad pad out the running time with some flirtation with the some football players (all helpfully wearing “Football Player” tees) and a shopping trip for party wares. We also break away for several scenes in which something else is happening — the killer chef is killing people! First he gets one of the girls who was supposed to come to the party walking home from school; then he kills another one of the girls walking home from school; then he kills a homeless ex-con; then he kills Miss Johnson in her home. Usually it’s a bad sign when the plot and the main characters seem to be in separate parts of the movie, and this instance is no exception.
Zut alors!
Blah blah blah, decorate for the party, make margaritas, blah blah blah (mostly in montage)… eventually the party more or less starts in earnest, which means that scantily clad teenyboppers (or a marginally adequate facsimile thereof) get tipsy and start dancing all over. Now, here we have one of the few stark instances of genius that glimmers through this movie. The girls are, naturally, behaving as B-movie girls do, which really means that they’re behaving according to a particular male fantasy of how women behave when we’re not around (fueled partly by the male fixation on the female as sex object, and partly by the disbelief that gorgeous women don’t find each other as attractive as we men do). The genius here comes from glimpses of the all-male party which the football players are having at their coach’s house at the same time, because their behavior is exactly analogous — the manly men eat s’mores, play Twister, dance together, and seek occasions to grab each others’ behinds. It’s a hilarious send-up of an exploitative cliché. Even after Phil and Mike (co-writer/co-director Thomas Edward Seymour and producer Russ Russo) decide that the sausage party’s gotten too homoerotic for them and leave to find out what the girls are doing, we keep cutting back to the guys’ party, just to find out what the naughty little man-minxes are up to.
High school football players with thinning hair? Must be something in the s’mores.
So there’s some hot-tubbing, and some girl-on-girl making-out, and… oh, hey, what’s this? Say, is this a killing which means that the main characters will get involved in the plot? Why, yes, it is — and a good thing, too, as we’re past the half-hour mark, and this feature only runs a scant sixty minutes. Yup, one of the interchangeable girls and her boyfriend, who showed up just to get killed, get killed. And then it’s panic as everyone runs into the house! Suzy also shows up, having discovered her next-door neighbor carved into detached body parts (I guess she only lives a couple of doors away), and her presence gives the only other semi-glimmer of humorous genius, and that’s probably overstating things: whenever Suzy makes an eminently sensible suggestion about getting help or finding weapons, the retort from one of the others is, “You weren’t even invited!” Which, in retrospect, isn’t that funny. Must have been a mirage, giving hope to a thirsty man.
Because, really, that’s it. The killer gets in and kills people in not-terribly-suspenseful scenes that end with not-terribly-bloody demises. We already established Jenny as our Final Girl, though her only redeeming characteristics is (a) we know which one she is, as opposed to her interchangeable friends, and (b) her IQ is maybe half a point higher than that of said friends. It’s one of those movies where you wait for it to get good, and wait, and wait, and then the credits roll.
How about a nice pot of bimbo soup?
I could talk about many deficiencies on display here, but you know me: it’s all about story. It’s a bewildering tendency in both microbudget horror and microbudget comedy (which means that Bikini Bloodbath has a double lineage) to entirely avoid having sympathetic or endearing or interesting characters, which short-circuits any chance that the viewer will give a rat’s ass about what happens to them. Here, we’re presented with a bunch of shallow, boring, interchangeable girls, and no effort is made to give the audience any reason to root for them, or even to enjoy watching them when they’re not taking their shirts off. It’s just no fun if you don’t care at all.
And to all those indie filmmakers who hypothetically contend that they were making a intentionally campy comedy, not a straight horror film, and therefore there’s no need to create tension or likable characters, I call shenanigans. Aside from the fact that intentional camp is a lazy excuse used by filmmakers who don’t know how to tell a story that stands on its merits, comedy relies just as much on identifying and sympathizing with protagonists as horror does. Show me any horror-comedy which hasn’t faded completely from the memory of fandom, and I’ll show you one in which the audience wants the protagonist(s) to escape and win. Show me a lame horror-comedy that’s soon to be forgotten, and… wait, you just did.
The power of the fireplace set compels you!
I’m not asking for too much, I don’t think. Just give me a story with a reason to care, with characters — even stereotypes — that are worth watching.
Some Notable Totables:
- body count: 13
- breasts: 10
- pasty male butts: 3
- explosions:
- ominous thunderstorms: 0
- actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0
by Mark, on November 13 2008 @
So why did this get a “Hot” rating?
by Nathan Shumate, on November 13 2008 @
Either WordPress wigged out while I was selecting categories, or I’ve got a hacker with a subtle sense of humor.
by Byron, on November 15 2008 @
“Bimbo soup.” *snicker*
Classic.
by Michael, on December 2 2008 @
No offense man, but if you honestly expect films like Bikini Bloodbath to have “endearing” or “sympathetic” characters then maybe you should quit watching these mircobudget films. Personally I think this movie sound pretty fun, and I couldn’t care less about the characters in these types of films anyways.
by Nathan Shumate, on December 2 2008 @
I think that says more about you than about about the movies.
Is there any reason that a microbudget film can’t be good? I mean, is that a requirement? I hear microbudgeters moaning all the time that no one will give their films the time of day. This is why: there’s no one to like, or to sympathize with. That holds true for indie phenomenon Halloween as well as The Blair Witch Project. If I don’t care if anyone lives or dies, why the hell should I continue watching a movie?
by Michael, on December 2 2008 @
Well the point i’m trying to make here is that you can’t honestly expect every single low-budget horror film to have well-developed characters. Plus most micro-budget films rely more on gore and T&A then story and character development anyways and the title Bikini Bloodbath was a pretty good indication that character development wasn’t on the filmakers minds. I just think you shouldn’t have such high expectations for these types of films, you just try and enjoy them on a basic level instead of expecting them to be the next Blair Witch Project(Imovie which I hated BTW)
by Michael, on December 2 2008 @
Forgot to mention in my last post, the point of these films isn’t for you to care about who lives or dies, it’s about having fun, and if you can’t grasp that then you really sohuldn’t watch these films as you obviously can’t seem to enjoy them and you’re only torturing yourself by watching them anyways, nad I’ve always thought that you took most films WAAAAYYYYY too seriously even when they’re not meant to be taken serious, is it really that difficult for you to just enjoy a film without overanalyzing every single aspect of it?
by Nathan Shumate, on December 2 2008 @
No, but even stupid movies can have likable characters. Stereotyped and cliched, but likable. I can refer to many low-budget horror movies (like this one or this one or this one or this one or this one — that’s just pulling a few of the top of the alphabetical list) which have been flawed to a lesser or greater degree, but at least you didn’t have to grit your teeth against cognitive dissonance to root for the protagonist.
by Michael, on December 2 2008 @
Okay you do have a point there, an unlikeable protaganist certianly does make it tougher to enjoy certain films(though it’s not impossible either) i’m just saying that there are an awful lot of micro-budget films that are all about gore and T&A with things like story and character development coming in second, and if you want to enjoy those films, then you shouldn’t think too much about them and just enjoy them on a primitive level, and if you’re unable to do that, then maybe you should consider avoiding them if you don’t think you’ll like them, I certianly go to great lengths to avoid films I don’t want to see, such as those godawful foreign remakes that Hollywood seems to be in love with. Cause that’s what I do and it’s hleped me enjoy many films.
by Nathan Shumate, on December 2 2008 @
Yeah, but with a few scattered moments of T&A and some anemic gore effects, there’s really not a lot of other things to watch except people you don’t like chattering at each other.
And the director (who’s previous film I didn’t much like, either) contacted me and asked me to review it. It’s not like I sought this movie out.
Whether I analyze (over or under) a film doesn’t impact my enjoyment. It’s just the difference between, “Huh — that sucked,” and “That sucked, but at least I’ve got something to review for Wednesday.”
(And readers keep asking me to review movies that I absolutely hate because they love how I savage them. Can’t please everyone, I guess.)
by Michael, on December 2 2008 @
I’m not asking you to review it again, I just think that sometimes you’re a little too serious in your reviews. I mean what was the last film you watched were you just relaxed and enjoyed it without caring about things like plot holes?
by Nathan Shumate, on December 2 2008 @
I don’t do that. I never have, even when I was wee. I’ve always been a little story nazi, ready to pounce.
by Michael, on December 2 2008 @
Well then in some ways you’re a stronger person then me, as there are several films I won’t even give the time of day, like psychological thrillers as bore me to death. Though I do enjoy alot of ultra-low budget films and have far lower standards for them then you do, and i’ve enjoyed alot of the ones you hated.
by Nathan Shumate, on December 2 2008 @
Hey, that’s why I became a critic. Because I like being critical.
by Michael, on December 2 2008 @
I can see that, but would it kill you to just relax and enjoy a film without being too critical for once? Cause it’s extremely rare to see you give any film a good review, and the ones you do give good reviews to don’t always deserve them, like 28 Weeks Later, which I found to be very dissapointing.
by Nathan Shumate, on December 2 2008 @
“Could you just stop being so critical all the time, except when I want you to because I didn’t like the movie?” :)
Like I said, I’m critical whether I’m reviewing or not. That’s how my mind works. But this way, YOU get the share in the experience with me!
by Michael, on December 2 2008 @
If you say so, i’m just trying to open your mind to these types of films a little, that’s all.
by Nathan Shumate, on December 2 2008 @
Shall I open your mind to 28 Weeks Later in return? (And by the way, have you actually seen Bikini Bloodbath, or are you trying to take me to the woodshed on general principle?)
by Michael, on December 2 2008 @
Haven’t seen it yet but your review certainly made me want to se eit alot more then I originally did, and thanks for trying to open my mind on 28 Weeks, but I generally don’t rewatch horror films and I don’t get what’s so great about Weeks.
by Felicity, on January 4 2009 @
Good writing costs the same as bad writing. Having a microbudget is no excuse for writing a boring story.
by Vie, on January 8 2009 @
Must you be so critical of these movies??? Geez, you act like you are a….movie critic or something.
by Blake R.L. Coryn, on March 20 2009 @
“Show me any horror-comedy which hasn’t faded completely from the memory of fandom, and I’ll show you one in which the audience wants the protagonist(s) to escape and win.”
If we can’t get that, we’ll settle for one where we actually want the killer to win, as in Invisible Maniac. (Okay, so that movie sucked too; but with some smarter writing and better acting, it could have been a better movie.) If nothing else, there’s a certain catharsis in watching “heroes” die at the hands of a “villainous” protagonist.
by Nathan Shumate, on March 20 2009 @
I won’t dismiss your point, but you really need to come up with a stronger example than Invisible Maniac.