• Produced and directed by Willie Aames
• Written by Brady Williams
• Starring
  • Willie Aames
  • Brady Williams
  • Maylo Upton
  • Jef Scott
  • Heather McSmith

At its core, there’s something inspiring in the story of Willie Aames. Deep in the throes of Former Child Star Syndrome (you remember him from Eight is Enough and Charles in Charge, don’t you?), he turned his life around, left behind his coke-snorting ways, married a good woman, moved to Flyover Country, and was Born Again. And no, that last sentence does not imply any chronological relationship between the events listed therein.

And bully for him, I say. I don’t identify very strongly with that flavor of “finding Jesus,” but then, I’ve also never been a former child star and coke fiend.

But like so many people with a newfound faith, Aames was zealous about sharing that belief with whatever audience he could find. And again, like so many, his internal sensor as to what was a good approach was shorted out by his enthusiasm. (Assuming that years of drug abuse hadn’t long ago burned out those particular synapses.)

Enter Bibleman.

This was Aames’ great stroke of faith-based genius: A Power Rangers-style superhero who relies on the Good Book to guide his actions and solve his problems. It’s got action, special effects, and plenty of chapter-and-verse quotes! How could it go wrong?

“For the last time, Biblegirl, I do NOT have ‘Captain Power Cooties’!”

Answering that question takes up most of the rest of the review.

I’m going to be lazy and let this single installment of the Bibleman “saga,” Divided We Fall, stand in for the series as a whole. It’s a forty-five minute adventure shot on broadcast-quality video, distributed on DVD (with some Christian network broadcasts thereafter), with the Bibleteam — consisting of Bibleman (Aames), Cypher (Brady Williams), and Biblegirl (Heather McSmith) — fighting against their arch-nemesis, the Wacky Protestor (Jef Scott).

After a brief prologue explaining how one Miles Peterson had it all, lost it all, found God, and became Bibleman, we meet the full Bibleteam who are, at this moment, working out in their battle simulator. That is, their holodeck. But Star Trek allusion are quickly matched by Star Wars allusions; you see, Bibleman uses a lightsabre. And Cypher uses two half-circle lightsabre thingies, as they battle off simulated opponents and computer-generated flying probes. (And Biblegirl? She’s in the control room. And I think she makes the coffee.) This scene establishes the Bibleteam fighting style: First strike down the opponent, then give a pithy and appropriate Bible quote. Not just the quote, either; the chapter-and-verse reference, too.

Next we’re introduced to the Wacky Protestor: A buck-toothed uber-geek with no social sensibilities. Fortunately, he’s built himself a computer, L.U.C.I. (voice of Maylo Upton), designed to put with him. And right now, he’s enjoying the Saturday morning exploits of “Mr. Funky’s Wild Time,” currently the most popular children’s show. It’s right here, so near the beginning, that you can start despairing for the future, because the clips of “Mr. Funky’s Wild Time” look like a one-day exercise with a primitive animation program by a fourth-grade class. On a Commodore 64. Seriously, for a show that overall relies on adequate CGI for its special effects, it’s bizarre that this plotpoint was represented with computer animation so perfunctory. Maybe this was supposed to be a subtle criticism of the low technical level of shows like South Park or King of the Hill; instead, it just makes those shows look like the latest Pixar release by contrast.

Awright, who let my kids into the studio?

So. The Wacky Protestor’s quite taken with this show, and hatches a diabolical plan. He’s use his technological acumen to override the television signal and insert his own dialogue and instructions into the program! He’ll convince all of the children in the viewing audience to be selfish and disrespectful to authority! (Um… Yeah. I wonder if he’s planning on also spreading the rumor that the Crown Prince of England has been having an affair? I mean, come on — how are we supposed to tell if his plan works?) And the only ones who can stop him are… the FCC? No! The Bibleteam!

Well. Since the Wacky Protestor needs to get the Bibleteam out of the way, he comes up with an insidious plan: He’ll use his Infiltrating Network Satellite Emulation Communication Transmitter (“I.N.S.E.C.T.” — a little spiderish computer-animated robot thingie) to infiltrate their mainframe, U.N.I.C.E. (also voice of Maylo Upton), and allow each member of the Bibleteam to see manipulated footage of the others saying mean things about them. Their unity will be destroyed, and they’ll be unable to counter the Wacky Protestor’s “Mr. Funky” scheme! Because, you know, “a house divided cannot stand” (Matthew 12:25). The Wacky Protestor derives great pleasure from using a quote from “their own Bible” to devise a plan against them, too. (Just think — if he’d draw his inspiration from the Bhagavad Gita, they’d never know what hit them.)

So. He sends his I.N.S.E.C.T. into their Biblecave (no, I’m not joking), where it taps into their mainframe. Then the pattern goes like this: He stages a false alert (“The Wacky Protestor’s at the bible school!”), and when a couple of Bibleteamsters head out to counter him, he manipulates the video feed back to base so that the teammember left behind hears them say things like, “I’m sure glad Cypher wasn’t along — he’s nothing but a drag!” Owing to the fact that Bibleteam members have terribly thin skin, they each get offended at the others, and everybody thinks of quitting the team.

Beakers? Of colored liquids? But that must mean — there’s SCIENCE going on here!

Seems less than action-packed, doesn’t it? In between, though, we get the Bibleman (and Bibleteam) transformation sequence that puts them into their armor no less than three times. In a rare break with pattern, the biblical reference is NOT given, but it’s pretty clear that the idea is drawn directly from Ephesians 6:

Initializing Full Armor Sequence:
Waistband of Truth!
Breastplate of Righteousness!
Shoes of Peace!
Shield of Faith!
Helmet of Salvation!
And the Sword of the Spirit!

Bibleman’s own breastplate of righteousness is specifically designed to hide the fact that Willie Aames is over forty years old, and getting a tad heavy around the midsection. But boy, he can still swing that lightsabre. Excuse me, “sword of the Spirit.”

You’re still reading your scriptures on PAPER? Hah!

Also filling out the running time (because, you know, forty-five minutes is an awful lot of time to fill with actual story), we get more training sequences, including the one in which Biblegirl is instructed not only on her new molecular fusion blaster, but the proper way to deliver a Bible verse coupe de grace after blowing an opponent away:

Biblegirl: ‘The Lord is with the righteous generation!’ Psalms 14:5!
Bibleman: Very good, Biblegirl. Great use of scripture. But why did you choose that scripture?
Biblegirl: ‘Cause it sounded cool?
Bibleman: We don’t choose scriptures because they sound cool. We choose them because they’re relevant to the situation, and they apply.

Now, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional that this scene should cause flashbacks to Pulp Fiction, but…

Now, you know me. I’m a pretty Christian guy. I don’t frown on anything specifically because of Christian content. And I love the VeggieTales videos, which are the Christian market product most akin to the Bibleman DVDs. (In fact, the Wacky Protestor makes a passing “LarryBoy” reference right at the start, once again violating the well-known cinematic rule: “Never remind viewers that they could be watching something better right now.”) So when I start bagging on Bibleman, you know that it’s not just a knee-jerk reaction to hearing the name “Jesus.”

“No, Wacky Protestor! I am your father!”

Fact is, though, these videos are lame. Unlike VeggieTales videos, which use stories of general moral and ethical application and keep the preachifying to a minimum, Bibleman is very in-your-face with its chapter and verse references. Despite that, VeggieTales do a better job of actually teaching something of righteous conduct and action than we see here, where the resolution to the whole “a house divided” problem has nothing to do with Christian charity or love; instead, Biblegirl just happens to see the I.N.S.E.C.T. hooked into their mainframe and figures out that their videofeeds were compromised.

To tell the truth, I can’t quite figure out who Aames was considering his target audience here. The moral qualities of the show being lacking, the only other noteworthy features are the lengthy combat sequences — and the most conservative parents, looking for “uplifting” and “Christian” entertainment for their kids, probably don’t want to plop their children down in front of a DVD full of swordfighting on a Sunday afternoon.

Well, somehow, the series has stayed afloat for most of ten years. (Word is that it’s mostly been through the charity of wealthy investors who’ve been willing to throw their money down a sinkhole for the good of the Word.) And just this year, Aames announced his own retirement from the helmet, allowing a new Bibleman, Robert Schlipp, to continue the good fight.

At least Aames does have to work so hard anymore at sucking in his gut.

Special Bonus: Because if I don’t point it out, no one else will. Bibleman bears an uncanny resemblance to Joe Sinn, an obscure anti-hero from a comic book published in the early ’90s by Caliber Press.

Bibleman and Joe Sinn.
Coincidence? I think not!

A Notable Quotable:

“Just imagine a nation of little, lying, self-willed, disobedient, rebellious, out-of-control brats — not to mention their children!”

- The Wacky Protestor

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 0
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 51
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• gratuitous scriptural references: 15 (Ecclesiastes 4:9, Psalms 14:5, 1 Corinthians 16:13, Hebrews 13:17, Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 2:11, 1 Corinthians 13:11, Proverbs 21:7, Proverbs 12:21, Ecclesiastes 10:2, Proverbs 14:32, Matthew 12:25, 1 Corinthians 1:10, Colossians 3:14, and James 4:10)
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0