- Directed by Gabrielle Beaumont
- Written by David Wise, based on characters created by Don Coscarelli and Paul Pepperman
- Starring
- Marc Singer
- David Warner
- Tony Todd
- Casper Van Dien
- Sandra Hess
- Produced by Stu Segall, Sylvio Tabet, and David Wise
Really, it was inevitable. The first movie died quickly at the box office, but then struck new life on cable TV. The second one was technically released to theaters, but everyone knew it would live its real life on cable TV. So it was only natural that the third movie leave behind any aspirations for the big screen and instead be made specifically for cable.
It was also only natural that it not be very good. I mean, look what it’s following.
“Broken?! Criminy! These things go for eighty bucks on eBay!”
Not that this installment actually follows in the footsteps of Beastmaster 2. No, we avoid all mention of Dar’s cross-dimensional adventure and its effects on continuity, and instead return to the way things were at the end of the original Beastmaster: Dar is a nomad, living with his animals in the wild (ignoring Beastmaster 2 does make it marginally easier to understand how he’s got two ferrets again, but this time around Ruh [first a tiger posing as a panther, then a tiger being a tiger] is a full-maned lion!). His brother Tal (Casper Van Dien, in a terrible wig and pseudo-Egyptian regalia) is still king of Aruk, aided by his right-hand man Seth (now played by Tony Todd, looking damned embarrassed to be there). Tanya Roberts’ character is nowhere to be seen, but that really doesn’t surprise anyone, does it? I mean, did you ever expect a James Bond movie to start with Bond hanging out with the girl he was wrapping his lips around at the end of the previous movie?
But also around is Lord Agon (David Warner), an evil sorcerer who has just completed the hostile takeover of the neighboring kingdom Ombeth (represented by one of the least convincing matte shots in motion picture history). Agon’s older than dirt; he maintains his relative youth (roughly fifty-four, which was Warner’s age at the time) through human sacrifice of the easiest sort: He has a robust fellow tied between tow carved pillars and says a magic word, and the poor sap disappears into a green glowing mist, which Agon then absorbs; when he goes too long between feedings, he becomes an old geezer, thanks to tons of latex and a fright wig.
“And as soon as Donny Osmond gets tired of playing Joseph, I’m next in line for the part!”
Agon’s after the legendary Eye of Braxus, a magic medallion which supposedly harnesses the power of the ancient Ombethian god Braxus and grants the god’s power to the educated user. Agon knows through lore that Tal has the Eye, so naturally that’s where he attacks.
Dar gets involved in the fray when he and his menagerie defend a travelling family of Ombethian refugees from forest brigands. The family had been journeying to appeal for help from King Tal as he holds audience in a forest pavilion (thus sparing expensive palace sets), bringing a gold-leafed wooden sculpture of Braxus as a tribute; unfortunately, the thieves broke it, so Dar volunteers to accompany them and vouch for them in lieu of tribute. He’s there long enough for Tal to split the Eye of Braxus in half and give part to Dar for safekeeping, and then he’s gone — just far enough away that when Agon’s “Crimson Warriors” attack the king’s pavilion, killing bunches of people and kidnapping Tal.
Time for a slight sidenote: The “Crimson Warriors” are only barely that, with a few daubs of red paint on their bare arms and chests; their helmets, of a very Greek design, are dull brown; they probably couldn’t paint them red because they had to return them to the rental company when shooting was done. They also have red-bladed swords, but we don’t find that out until near the end of the movie, as the attack on Tal’s pavilion is made with flaming arrows — it appears that no one but Agon’s troops has ever mastered the idea of the bow, so Tal’s guards are helpless with an enemy who doesn’t have to stand within sword’s reach to attack you.
Clowns. Great. Exactly what the Beastmaster saga was lacking.
Anyway. Dar sees the fires in the distance and comes back to find the camp in shambles. He sets out to rescue his brother, accompanied by Seth — let the buddy-cop banter ensue! And since we need to fill time before they get to Ombeth, they get waylaid by a magical fog, and fall in with the requisite female rogue Shada (Sandra Hess). They meet primitive tribespeople, and have various adventures; in the meantime, Agon has discovered that Tal only has half of the talisman, and puts him in the Shroud of Agony (i.e., wraps him in big strips of slimed latex) to torture the other half’s whereabouts out of him.
All of which had me yawning. It’s always safe to assume that, in a meant-for-broadcast movie, any swordfighting will be distinctly bloodless, and largely deathless for that matter, but it’s still possible to have an engaging brouhaha under those strictures. Here, though, I don’t quite know how, but through some combination of choreography and editing, the battle scenes — Dar vs. the bandits, the attack on the pavilion, Dar and Seth vs. Crimson Warriors, Dar and Seth vs. Shada’s mercenaries, Dar and Seth vs. the forest people, etc. — each end up about as exciting as watching spaghetti coagulate. We’re talking a level of non-excitement that would make Albert Pyun look like John Woo.
Don’t look so embarrassed, guys. I’m sure there are worse career moves than standing around in loincloths, like… um… give me a minute…
But things get worse. To get into Ombeth, Dar and Seth team up with an acrobat-and-enchantress act — and it turns out that Seth had had a prior relationship with the witch, Morgana (Lesley-Anne Down), leading to oh-so-much hilarity at his discomfort and their “reacquaintance.” We also get a showdown (which steals shamelessly from the climax of Conan the Destroyer) with a resurrected Braxus, in the form of a creature suit from the Chiodo Brothers that would be completely appropriate on Saturday morning TV. Lame humor starts to abound — I can only be thankful that they started late enough that it couldn’t build to a truly annoying crescendo.
The wrapping-up of the action, with Dar and Seth setting out to right more wrongs (accompanied by acrobat Bey [Keith Coulouris]), goes beyond mere TV-movie fare and actually seems as if this had been a possible pilot for a TV series. (Obviously, the Beastmaster syndicated series that started in 1999 didn’t follow this pilot.) Alas, it was not to be, which was probably actually a relief for Tony Todd, a fine actor who’s spent a life doing work that’s well beneath him; given his obvious discomfort at his role here, I’m sure that an entire series of similar work would have driven him to suicide.
And suddenly we’re watching a Power Rangers episode.
Again, about the best I can say about this is that it was not as concertedly irritating as Beastmaster 2. Sylvio Tabet, still holding the rights to the franchise, wisely refrained from the directorial and writing chores this time out, and instead stuck (and still sticks, with the TV series) with simply trying to wring the last possible dollar out of the franchise. Hey, i won’t begrudge any man a living; but being the free country that this is, I also don’t feel any pressure to express approval for his handiwork. I’m hoping that Marc Singer’s recent guest shots on the TV series as a non-Dar character mean that he’ll be able to give up that nomadic life once and for all.
Some Notable Totables:
- body count: 13
- breasts: 0
- explosions: 0
- ominous thunderstorms: 1
- actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 4
- David Warner (Lord Agon) has spent a lot of time in the Trek universe, playing Ambassador St. John Talbot in Star Trek 5, Klingon Chancellor Gorkon in Star Trek 6, and the Cardassian Gul Madred in the TNG two-parter “Chain of Command”
- Tony Todd (Seth) played Worf’s brother Kurn in several TNG and DS9 episodes, as well as the grown-up Jake Sisko in the DS9 episode “The Visitor” and “Alpha Hirogen” in the DS9 episode “Prey”
- Patrick Kilpatrick (“Jaggart”) played “Razik” in the Voyager episode “Initiations, “Assan in the Voyager episode “Drive, and “Reese” in the DS9 episode “The Siege of AR-558″
- Olaf Pooley (“Maldor”) played “Cleric” in the Voyager episode “Blink of an Eye”
