- Directed by Frank Harris
- Written by Michael Standing
- Starring
- Chuck Jeffreys
- Elizabeth Kaitan
- John Saxon
- Richard Lynch
- James Lew
Short version: Steaming pile of dog poo.
Long version: Now, before anyone starts questioning my intelligence, yes, I did pick up a post-apoc thriller, expecting to be competently entertained. But shown on the front cover were John Saxon, Richard Lynch, and Michael Berryman! It would have been a sin to pass it by.
But the real sin was committed by whoever decided to film this script instead of lining the cockatiel’s cage with it.
In a fascist post-apoc world (which, curiously enough, looks like five blocks of demolished industrial buildings), bad guy troops shoot some “unregistered citizens” squatting in one of said buildings. One girl gets away — but before she does, she sees an alien coalescing out of the very unspecial effect of smoke being projected backwards — an alien who looks like a poor man’s Darryl Hannah, wearing a conservative black and red dress.
Alien girl gets captured by bad guy commander John Saxon who grinds his jaw menacingly at her; she smiles and says very little, demonstrating a linguistic ability somewhat more primitive than ET’s. (Henchman to Saxon: “She’s either a halfwit — or a mute.” This is AFTER she’s said something.) They send her in for evaluation.
Meanwhile, Loner Hero Guy named Willy rides his dirtbike through the one track of open land shown in this movie until he gets to the bar/club, populated by vintage 1980s biker dudes and a woman doing a snake dance. Matthias Hues and Michael Berryman in a fright wig make a minor commotion with snake girl (the bar can’t afford a bouncer, apparently). Willy sees the survivor girl from the first scene passing out “subversive literature” (“Start to Question” emblazoned across it — apparently Xerox machines still work). He makes an ill-fated pass at her. Then bad guy stormtroopers burst in and arrest her and her black compadre. Willy follows them outside and start beating up the bad guys; he and the black guy get captured, and the girl DISAPPEARS COMPLETELY FROM THE FILM. ZIP. KAPUT. NADA.
After getting beaten up by Saxon (can you knock someone unconscious by punching them in the stomach?) at the prison which also is a partially demolished industrial building — fancy that! (Saxon’s office isn’t fancy enough to be well-appointed, but not crummy enough to be post-apoc; it looks more like it was furnished in five minutes with findings from a thrift store) — Willy and black guy escape, taking alien girl with them. (It isn’t too hard — there are no wall or fortifications, not even bars on the windows.) Saxon then receives word from Richard Lynch, the Grand Poo-Bah of this Fascist Paradise that tests show the girl to be an alien. “Find her!” They send out too-cool bounty hunter Brant to find her (he’s the guy who occupies the whole front of the video box).
Black guy takes them back to rebellion headquarters (you guessed it — another half-demolished industrial building), where alien girl absorbs their computer (BTW, in the future, everyone has gone back to 5 1/2″ floppies) and gets a rudimentary command of English. Her people had found one of the Voyager probes (which contained a picture of a President’s wife — that’s where she got the dress pattern) and sent her to discover how all the world leaders had gotten together and smiled for the pictures. The rebellion leader explains that peace didn’t last, but that they’re trying to set things right — and gives her a copy of the Constitution to take home. (Cue Star Trek “Yangs and Coms” flashback here.)
But see, she’s got to get home from the point at which she materialized, and it has to be soon, so Willy undertakes the mission.
Blah blah blah. Back through the interminable demolished buildings, another run-in with Hues and Berryman (wearing drag makeup — and you thought he was ugly normally!), alien girl gets captured, back to the original demolished building, Willy has a long chop-socky fight with Brant, then kills all the stormtroopers, and finally Saxon, and the girl goes back to her home planet, can we please end this incredible loser of a movie before I commit hara-kiri?
Here’s what I think happened — someone with production connections said, “Hey, there are five blocks of buildings that they got half-demolished and had to stop — quick! Write me a script we can shoot there, and I want it by eight tomorrow morning!” Unfortunately, he gave the script assignment to Bobo the Chimp.
