Cold Fusion Video Reviews

aka 2069: A Sexy Odyssey

• Directed by Hans Georg Keil (aka Georg Tressler)
• Written by Willy Pribil
• Starring
  • Nina Frederik
  • Catharina Conti
  • Heidrun Hankammer
  • Alena Penz
  • Gerti Schneider

All right, then. I’ve got good news and bad news.

The good news is in two parts. First, this movie does not burlesque 2001: A Space Odyssey, and the title is probably what qualified as a brainstorm for the American distributor. And second, as far as genre-related sex farces go, this one isn’t nearly as bad as The Beauties and the Beast.

The bad news? Well, that’s pretty much the rest of the review.

Exhibiting once again why the Swedes are the leaders in sci-fi FX.

Our heroines are a quintet of space bunnies from Venus, sent from their single-gendered world to track down males on ours and get from them that mysterious substance which allows life to go on: spermatozoa. (Yup, they even say the full word.) Strange and terrible though these “men” be, our spandex spacesuited volunteers are dedicated to collecting enough “goodies” (their word, not mine) to last them for 10,000 years.

Now, I’m sure you can think of several places where their saucer should land, right? The French Riviera, maybe? Southern California? Your own back yard? (Dream your little dreams…)

Perhaps I should tell you that this movie was made in Sweden. Now can you guess where the ship sets down?

Helmet? Sexy.

That’s right, a tiny snow-blanketed town with roughly half a dozen men who are probably all related. Oh, well, they’re looking for quantity, not quality or a sustainable gene pool, right?

So the saucer is observed landing in the night by a couple making it in the hayloft, only to be interrupted by the girl’s employer, the mayor’s wife. (The guy, Carl, gets a pitchfork in the butt for his efforts.) Actually, the mayor’s wife is the only one who gets a clear look at it, which leads to all sorts of “wackiness” as she tries to convince people that she really did see a UFO. (Did you note the quotation marks around “wackiness”? Good.)

From there, the girls proceed into town first thing in the morning, helmeted and spacesuited. Fortunately, there have been rumors on the radio that the French Womens Ski Team is in training in a secluded location nearby, so that’s what everyone assumes the girls to be. They each split up, looking for less conspicuous clothing, which leads to further “wackiness” as one steals the uniform of the town’s sole policeman, another dresses in the Mother Superior’s habit, etc. (Oh, wait — that’s the town’s sole incompetent policeman. Those witty Swedes…)

For a lingerie salesman, he sure seems confused as to the use of his wares…

At this point, all semblance of a linear plot breaks down, as each girl goes about her individual encounters, to wit:

- One steals Carl’s clothes, and he chases her. He then demonstrates why there aren’t any pretty girls in town, because the bucketass men scared them all away: He tries to force her into sex to teach her a lesson. (Despite this, he — and all the other male characters who act like this, which is damned near everybody — is supposedly a sympathetic character. I’m sure that the filmmakers would have looked at your in pure confusion if you had tried to convince them that they were actually filming rape scenes… No, I don’t miss the ’70s.) Unfortunately, when he unzips her suit in the haybarn, the air proves far too cold for her Venusian blood, and she freezes solid. (Again: Riviera? SoCal? Hello?) Carl runs to the doctor, who takes her to the sauna to thaw out, and they end up violating his Hippocratic Oath.

- Another one runs across a lingerie salesman showing his wares to the mayor’s wife. He leads her to his car and introduces her to the pleasures of the flesh, at which time we see a physical change in her: Her silvery “frigid” eye makeup fades away. (In the course of humpin’ and bumpin’ he accidentally kicks the emergency brake, so th car drifts slowly downhill in fits and starts. Boy, those Swedes sure know comedy.)

And thus, Tetsuo the Iron Man is inspired.

- The mayor and three woodcutters are lured by one girl back to the saucer to “see their training area,” and all are strapped into space-age chairs, which space-age sperm-sucking pumps attached to their groins. The men react rather phlegmatically, expressing some mild annoyance at the procedure. She releases them when they say they’ll show her how it’s really done, but they simply leave instead, grimacing mildly as if someone had served them a warm beer.

- The other two have encounters even more bland, so I won’t even bother going into them.

After having been introduced to the pleasures of sex and the extreme good taste characteristic of ’70s lingerie (plus the expected lesbian scene, as one of the cosmonauts shows the commander just what it was about the lingerie salesman’s technique that she liked), there’s a big brawl in the town beer hall, and a whole bunch of stuff that’s simply not worth typing about. (When your cinematic sex fantasies include an oompah band, you’re too damned Swedish.) And naturally, the women all stay on earth with their chosen mates, while the ship goes back to Venus with a bewildered local aboard.

Enough with that “sex” stuff — time for some REAL entertainment!

The R-rated Academy Home Entertainment release shows some definite signs of snipping, which is probably corrected on the recent Alternative Cinema re-release. (Now, instead of a cover showing ’80s-era models who bear no resemblance to the cast, we’ve got a cover with a very modern-looking model who bears no resemblance to the cast.) Honestly, though, I don’t think that’ll make things more watchable. Sex is sex, and comedy is comedy. Comedic sex is very rarely sexy, and it’s similarly unfunny. And we weren’t dealing with a high caliber of wit here to begin with. (You’ve noticed, I suppose, that Sweden isn’t exactly exporting their comedians to serve the humor needs of the world at large. After “Ya, my name is Sven,” they’re really not that funny. You do realize that the Swedish Chef wasn’t really Swedish, right?)

If you’re really looking for a night of sex and comedy, here’s what you do: Rent a John Candy flick (better comedy than anything here) and something from Surrender Cinema (better sex than anything here). Then watch them in quick succession. (And if you really need that Swedish angle to ice the cake, find some old reruns of The Muppet Show.)

[Note: As several people have pointed out to me, the movie is actually German; that is, the Germans are making fun of the Swedes. However, I, being an ugly American, have no intention of sacrificing my funnies for the sake of accuracy.]

Nathan Shumate