- Directed by “Kevin Mancuso” (Joe D’Amato and George Eastman)
- Written by “Luigi Montefiori” (George Eastman)
- Starring:
- Al Cliver
- “Donal O’Brien” (Donald O’Brien)
- Sabrina Siani
- Daniel Stephen
Okay. It’s a post-apocalyptic action tale, and it was shot in the early ’80s. Wanna take a guess as to the original language?
Mamma mia.
If you’ve seen Endgame, you’re going to have massive amounts of deja vu on this one, because:
- Both star Al Cliver.
- Both feature Al Yamanouchi.
- Both were written by George Eastman (Endgame was co-written by Joe D’Amato), and both were directed by D’Amato (Texas Gladiators was co-directed by Eastman, both of whom were credited as “Kevin Mancuso”).
- Both were filmed in the same locations (a fact which will figure strongly in my review).
Story? Well, we start in a darkened supposedly-urban setting that looks just like the play area in Endgame. Five guys (whom I christened The Five Amigos) are sneaking around, mowing down the mutants and dirty-faced goons terrorizing people, especially those crucifying priests and raping nuns (well, the pretty ones). The five are, in case you’re wondering, Nisus (Cliver), Catch Dog, Halakron, Jab, and Red Wolfe (Yamanouchi). I should point out that we only get the names of the first two in the opening scenes; the next two names are mentioned at the end of the movie, and no one ever says, “Hey, Red Wolfe!” But I thought you should have a scorecard.
Anyway. We get a full 25 bodies (and two breasts) before the first line of dialogue, which is, appropriately enough, “Let’s make sure nobody’s left alive.” While the others are seeking surviving bad guys, Catch Dog discovers a blonde in a ripped dress. Manly urges flaring, he starts to rape her, only to be stopped by Nisus and the rest. They accuse him of breaking “the code” and kick him out of their club. Nisus then spends a tender moment with the blonde, Maida (pronounced “mah-EE-dah,” and played by barbarian regular Sabrina Siani); what follows is, unfortunately, a sign of things to come. They converse. Deeply. Upon the morality of revenge, killing, survival, etc. Coming up for air, Maida tells him she knows a place where people are constructing, rather than destructing; it’s only three days away.
OK, says I; this is going to be like Endgame, showing the adventures they encounter on their way to this Shangri-La.
Wrong. Our next scene is at this big refinery place, with everyone running around wearing 20th century clothes (I guess those post-apoc “gangsta” duds are against the utopian dress code, though Maida is wearing a lace-up bodice). Nisus is now wearing overalls and working on some oversized plumbing, and Maida has a four-year-old in tow, so I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it’s several years later and Nisus and Maida have gotten together.
Anyway, this refinery place is dedicated to producing energy through some vague pseudo-science. After a pointless “tense” scene in which Nisus has to manually “blow the hydrogen feed valves” or something to keep the reactor cool, we then get back to something like a story: A group of bikers, led by Scratch Dog himself, attack the refinery. The locals do a good job of fighting them off, but then blackclad troops in shiny helmets attack, using forcefield-generating shields which repel bullets. Together, the bikers and the stormtroopers shoot most of the defenders (naturally, the bullet that lays Nisus low only grazes his skull, knocking him out) and go on to the normal program of rape and pillage. (It is in this scene that I notice the amazing resemblance between this refinery and the one in which the blind monks reside in Endgame. In fact, the interior corridors also bear an amazing resemblance to the nightlit urban scenes in both this movie and Endgame, leading me to believe that both movies were shot in their entirety in this old refinery.)
Ten minutes of carnage later, Nisus wakes up and goes after the goons chasing his wife; alas, the battle goes poorly, and Maida has to “cooperate” with her captors to spare Nisus’ captive life.
Later, the leader of the storm troopers reveals himself, a skinhead fascist general spouting about the New Order and submitting to their superior force, yadda yadda. Said fascist is refered to as Black One in the movie, and is played by Donal O’Brien without his hair (leaving him with an uncanny resemblance to James Tolkan). While he’s blathering forth, Nisus breaks out of his bonds, leaps over the guards, and stabs his wife’s rapist to death. The guards immediately open fire, and suddenly Nisus is no longer our protagonist.
Hm, said I. Didn’t see that coming.
OK. So. Later, two of the three remaining Amigos are in a bar. This is Texas, see, so obviously there’s high-stakes gambling going on. Unfortunately, all copies of Hoyle’s Rules of Games were apparently destroyed in the holocaust, because the game is Russian Roulette. Whoever wins takes the pot. When the Amigos enter, they recognize Maida as part of the gambler’s spoils, so Halakron settles in to gamble to free her. He wins (ewww for the other guy), but a bar brawl ensues. For
the damages, the local sheriff sends them to work in the mines.
Well, they’re rescued from the mines by Amigo #3, Red Wolf, who’s also brought Maida along. They’re then chased by Catch Dog and his bikers (and even the gravel quarry through which they’re chased is familiar from Endgame); escaping them, they find a tribe of the least convincing Native Americans I’ve ever seen. Bad wigs, bad facial hair, bad teepees — the summer camp play in Addams Family Values was more authentic. Jab (that’s Amigo #2) bests one of their braves in single combat, forcing them to supply men to help in their assault on the refinery to free it.
They attack, and in so doing discover the stormtroopers’ weakness: While the forcefields are perfectly effective against bullets, somehow arrows and tomahawks pass through them unhindered. The stormtroopers die en masse, mouths open in incredulity at this design flaw.
The Amigos lose Jab, but in the end both Catch Dog and Black One lie dead, the refinery is liberated, and Halacron and Red Wolfe ride off into the sunset.
I suppose the best thing I can say about this movie is that it didn’t follow a completely cliched pattern; every time I thought I knew where the movie was heading, it changed direction completely.
However, that’s not an unmitigated bonus. A really good movie is unpredictable, but seems completely inevitable in hindsight. A cliched movie seems inevitable in foresight. A confused movie, however, is both unpredictable, and directionless in hindsight. I mean, pick a protagonist! The fact that Nisus was killed off after half an hour, forcing us to find new heroes, simply pissed me off; the only director who’s ever been able to come close to pulling that off is Alfred Hitchcock. Mr. D’Amato, I’ve watched Hitchcock, and you, sir, are no Alfred Hitchcock.
The turgid, dated synth score doesn’t help things one iota, either.
It is interesting to me, though, that these two movies were made in quick succession in the same location. It’s an earlier iteration of the Full Moon philosophy of milking every possible movie out of a cheap location. However, D’Amato’s next two movies were Ator fantasies, meaning that he didn’t catch the vision of cranking out post-apocs from that one location for the next five years.
Too bad. Endgame was a notable improvement over 2020 Texas Gladiators; after enough tries, he might actually have gotten legitimately good at it.
Some Notable Totables:
- body count: 91
- breasts: 9
- explosions: 9
- ominous thunderstorms: 0
- actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0
Nathan Shumate
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