Subject: Future Cities
Date: Mon, 03 Nov 2003
From: David Jefferis
Hi Nathan,
Chanced on your review of one of my older works. I wasn’t sure about the striped jumpsuits either… They weren’t too modish even then!
Best,
David Jefferis.
Glad to hear from you. Thanks for helping to shape my whole picture of the future.
Nathan
Subject: the hills have eyes ending
Date: Sun, 2 Nov 2003
From: Brendan O’Brienhey nathan, i’m sure you’ve heard this before but i figured i’d sound off anyway. now that we have the wonderful dvd edition that you rightly pined for, we can see why the ending is so abrupt. the alternate ending was kinda crummy, being somewhat heavy-handed. cutting right after the guy goes postal on mars proves craven’s thesis; that civilized humans are capable of savagery. there’s really no need for anything after that scene.
loved the living dead month and keep up the good work,
brendan
Thanks. Yeah, there’s the alternate ending, which has one other strike against it: It legitimizes the existence of The Hills Have Eyes Part 2.
Nathan
From: mwilson1137
Subject: Zombie rapists?
Date sent: Thu, 30 Oct 2003Nathan you must have a will of iron. That movie sounds so bad I think it would have driven a weaker man insane. Makes you wonder huh? How does a flick like that get made? Geez.
Mike
It’s all those weaker insane men making the movies.
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Todd Solberg” <tws@spacestar.net>
Subject: Night of the day of the blah, blah, blah.
Date sent: Thu, 30 Oct 2003I just read your review of Night of the Day of the Blah, Blah, Blah, and all I have to say is what in the hell were these people thinking? This is a classic film that they lampooned here, something that everyone should have in their movie library. I’m going to purchase it tomorrow at one place that is virtually giving it away, a DVD under 10 dollars. That seems to be a cheap price, but they seem to do that to movies that rock. I remember watching this movie as a wee lad, and it scared the bejesus out of me. These people who desecrated this movie should be sent to the lowest depths of Hell for their crimes.
I think I may have seen a movie that while not as bad as Bangers, it rates up there in the ranks of the truly bad movie. It was done by ICP, and it is called Big Money Huslahs. I just sat through it tonight at a friend’s house, and it may be one of the cheesiest things that I have ever seen, and I’ve sat through both Robot Monster and Plan 9 from Outer Space in one sitting. Probably because I’m a glutton for punishment.
Well, I’m never gotten into the whole hiphop “urban” stuff; I don’t even do much classic blaxploitation. So I’ll happily just take your word for it. :-)
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Todd Solberg”
Subject: Bangers
Date sent: Sat, 25 Oct 2003I just read your review for Bangers, and I can’t believe that it was a friend of yours who did this to you. That wasn’t something that a friend would do. It’s more like a severe torture that would be inflicted on someone in a POW camp.
Although I can imagine the ghost of Robert Crane telling the ghost of Werner Kemperer(at least I think they are both dead)that it is against the Geneva Convention to force prisoners to watch this film.
I’ve never seen this film, it doesn’t sound like there is enough alcohol in Wisconsin to get me through this film, and it should probably be shown at film schools all over the world as an example of what not to do.
Friends who borrow movies like this to other friends need to have their own circle in hell. I’ve watched many a bad movie in my day, but I don’t think I’ll be watching this one.
Yes, well, I sorta asked for it. We’ve had an ongoing debate about which microbudget feature was the absolute worst, and Bangers was his candidate.
Of course, that means I need to send him Bad Magic…
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Royce Day”
Subject: Future Cities review
Date sent: Fri, 24 Oct 2003Nathan,
Thanks for the review. Once upon a time I had all three books in that series (thank you, School Book Faires!) In fact, I may still have them somewhere in storage. You’re perfectly right about how surprising it is how things turned out.
I’m glad someone else thought they were as neat as I did. Keep up the good work.
-Royce in MD
Thanks. I had the other two as well (and in fact, I just regained them), but Future Cities was the first I got as a child, and thus the thrill of discovering the future rested most on it.
The Robots book was a little unfocused, anyway, and Star Travel is so much more speculative…
Thanks again,
Nathan
From: Brandi Weed
Subject: Bangers
Date sent: Fri, 24 Oct 2003Well, I can imagine one thing worse than seeing an aging, topless Kitten Natividad: seeing an aging, topless Chesty Morgan. They must’ve gone down to her *knees* near the end of her life…
Brandi
Well, Kit did have to unbuckle her belt because that’s where they were tucked in.
(I didn’t mention her inviting audience members up to rub their faces in her cleavage. I figgered people would think I was making it up. I am SCARRED, I tell you.)
Nathan
From: “Jason Sartin”
Subject: Bangers
Date sent: Thu, 23 Oct 2003Hey, Nathan.
So does this mean you’ve finally seen a worse movie than I Stand Alone? (Or would forcing you to mentally revisit both movies’ comparative worthlessness long enough to answer that be unnecessary cruelty?) ;)
Jason
I don’t know if I can place one above the other on a linear scale of godawfulness — when you get down that far past the bottom of the barrel, it really becomes a situation of different flavors of craptacularity.
Thanks,
Nathan
From: Webmaster
Subject: re: Versus
Date sent: Thu, 23 Oct 2003Funny story about Tak Sakaguchi, the lead in Versus. Director Kitamura saw Sakaguchi fighting in the streets one day and decided to ask him if he wanted to act in a movie — and a star is born! True story.
Also a true story: apparently director Kitamura pulled an Orson Welles, and in lieu of spending time in film school (although he did go to film school in Australia for about A WEEK), he quit and just watched James Cameron movies and the Mad Max films over and over and started making his movies. There’s also an interview where Kitamura gushes like a schoolgirl about how much he loves the Arnold Schwarzenegger film Commando. It’s a riot.
=====
Sincerely, The Webmaster @
NIXFLIX.COM Movie Reviews [http://www.nixflix.com]
Offering a wide selection of foreign and domestic movie reviews, and everything in-between.
So the “so cool the world bores me” thing probably isn’t a product of deep thespian abilities, hm?
Thanks for sharing.
Nathan
From: Sal Castro
Subject: quick question
Date sent: Fri, 10 Oct 2003Great site! I’ve been visiting it for a little while now and I love it–great movie reviews!
I was just wondering–where do you find those shots of the old/original movie posters on the left-side of the screen for some of the movie reviews, a website or are they scanned? Just wondering b/c I’m currently looking for shots of old posters like that for a project.
Keep up the great work!
thanks
Sal Castro
Mostly it’s just from being an obsessive image collector all over the net. A fair number of them were collected on eBay, and others just as I’ve browsed around.
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Katherine Peters”
Subject: The Confetti Brothers
Date sent: Sat, 4 Oct 2003Hey, I was just wondering if you knew how I could see The Confetti Brothers–The website seems to not exist and I can’t find it anywhere else. Also, on a side note, how did you get into the movie critic business? I graduated with a psych degree, with no real intention of pursuing anything “psychological.” I am obsessed with movies, but I always feared I wouldn’t be very successful, because I have memorized Super Troopers and would die rather than sit through an entire screening of Moulin Rouge. I am nominating it for Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Anyway, thanks for your time.
Lauren Peters
On the first question: That’s a toughie. I first saw it screened at Tromadance in 2002, and contacted the director for a screener for reviews. From what I can see, it’s not included in either of the “Best of Tromadance” DVDs, so… hmm.
As for the “business,” let me tell you, it’s not much of one. I started writing reviews back in ‘98, when the B-movie website circle was pretty much limited to four or five sites. I posted them on a bit of free hosting from the now-defunct xoom.com, and eventually worked my way up.
It’s not much of a business, more of an avocation. I think I may run twenty or thirty bucks of profit each month. Even the most financially prosperous reviewers I know, the fellows behind StompTokyo.com, still have day jobs. You just gotta love it.
Thanks,
Nathan
From: hostlerdaniel
Subject: Movie Masochism
Date sent: Mon, 29 Sep 2003Nate,
So tell me, how do you do it? How do you maintain the composure to actually sit through these shot on video films, sometimes so bad that your brain cells begin to self destruct? I mean alot of these films are, insane (or inane?). I watched this one s.o.v. film called Bloodthirst: Legend Of The Chupacabra that was so terrible I had to listen to three hours of Tool and one hour of Nine Inch Nails in order to rejuvenate the brain cells that had lost function. I can stand some of this stuff, I can, don’t get me wrong. But it usually helps when Mike and the ‘bots are sitting in the corner riffing on it. This is heavy “Movie Masochism” (feel free to use that term on your site, just remember to credit me) some of these films are. I’ve yet to fully understand why people do this if they know the finished product is going to come out bad? I guess there are no bad movies, only bad directors.
I definitely agree with you on the account that sov films need to have “stories” otherwise we may as well be watching random footage of people doing things and going places. At least that is somewhat entertaining.
Anyway my second period class is about over so I’ll truncate for now but I’ll check back soon. Spiral out..keep going…
Dan H.
p.s. There’s no way I Stand Alone could be that bad….could it?….
How do I do it? Lots of practice. You build up an immunity, just like rattlesnake handlers do. Of course, there are always doses that are greater than your resistance (French cinema! Nooooo!), but in general, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, if slightly insane.
(I would not have thought that I Stand Alone — or anything else — could be that bad, except for the fact that it IS. It’s one of those “Bees can’t fly, but they do” situations.)
Thanks,
Nathan
From: M Mikell
Subject: “Orca”
Date sent: Sun, 28 Sep 2003Hi!
Um, I think your “footnote” is missing. I couldn’t find it, anyway…
The Circle Of Life (Bad Movie Version): Arthur Herzog, the author of the novel The Swarm, which was MUCH better than the movie, wrote the novelization of Orca, which was also much better than the movie, even though it kept all the movie’s hyperridiculous moments. (It’s all in the presentation. Plus, he threw in a graphic sex scene between some Newfie kids making out in a rowboat when “Orca” takes out the fuel tanks. Hooray porn!)
You include TWO killer whales in the Body Count: would these be the “wife and child,” or “wife and husband?” I’ve always wondered about the final shot of the film; the killer whale is badly wounded and can’t seem to find his way from under the ice. Is he deliberately sending himself to his death?
Charlotte Rampling was also in Paul Newman’s The Verdict. I’ve never cared for her.
Herzog’s novelization had an arguably better ending: the orca has Nolan cornered on the floe, and Nolan, rather than fighting back, is waiting for the inevitable. Rachel–faced with the prospect of Nolan (and possibly herself) being eaten–begins screaming “Kill it! Kill it!” The orca looks at her, then at Nolan–and leaves. At this point, the book abruptly ends without further commentary, but the suggestion may be that the ‘killer’ whale has grasped the whole “cycle of violence” thing and has forgiven Nolan.
Take care!
Matt
Re the footnote: It’s there. It’s in the “alt” text of the image; let your mouse hover for half a second, and you’ll see it.
For the body count, I was counting the baby. Since it was still moving when it hit the deck, it counts as an individual (same rules that apply to abortion in the US, you know).
Thanks,
Nathan
From: hannixx
Subject: Your “2069” review
Date sent: Fri, 26 Sep 2003-Nathan
In your review of 2069: A Sex Odyssey you state that the movie is swedish. In fact, the entire review with it’s references to the swedish chef etc is built upon this. As can be seen on the flick’s imdb page though, it is clearly german:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069665/
Granted, a lot of comedy porn was made in Sweden in the 70’s, but the screenshot with the people in lederhosen and the oompah band should have raised the THIS-IS-SO-GERMAN-THAT-IT-HURTS-flag.
I don’t know if you care, but as I am swedish myself things like these matters to me, obviously.
-Johannes
Yeah, I realized that after I posted the review. But Iet it stand, because how often do I get to make Swedish jokes? (That’s me, sacrificing journalistic integrity for the sake of a few cheap laffs.)
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Trevor Cooley”
Subject: Aargh!
Date sent: Tue, 23 Sep 2003Regarding the deplorable I Stand Alone
Nathan,
I discovered your site last week while looking up reviews on old Wes Craven movies. I was delighted and surprised to find a website devoting itself to reviewing all the movies that I have passed by in my rental store browsing and wondered what they were really like. Now there are others who review “B” movies, but your particular selection of titles and the way you review them is exactly what I was looking for. (Jabootu’s reviews are far too long winded. I really had a hard time sloughing through his review of Jaws Two yesterday.)
Anyway, to get to the subject of my email, as I read your review of the nauseating movie I Stand Alone, I completely sympathized with what you went through. There seems to be a genre of movies gathering more and more steam today. The people who enjoy these movies probably label them as “Dramas” or perhaps “Art Films”. I, however, can think of a much better name for the genre. How about “Sick-ass, soul draining filth with no redeeming quality whatsoever films.” They are usually marked by drab colors, slow pacing, a lack of any likeable characters (Or if there are any they are either dead by the end of the picture or they do something that makes them unlikable by the end.), some kind of vicious and graphic violence, and an ending that resolves none of the depression that has by then settled upon you like a thick fog.
My first run in with this genre came when a female friend of mine dragged me to see and art film called Kids. I am sure that you have heard of it. I, however was not prepared for the nauseatingly sick and manipulative film to gang rape my brain. I left that movie feeling like my soul had been ripped out of my chest. I instantly hated the director for what he had done to me. And people were calling that film groundbreaking art! The girl I was with started talking about how “real” it was. Needless to say, I didn’t end up with that girl.
Admittedly, these films don’t attract themselves to broad audiences. Thank goodness to that because that has got to be one of the signs of the second coming. But since then I have noticed that more and more movies dip their toes into this genre for effect thinking that it is good to make an audience feel something, even if the feeling is nausea of the spirit. American Beauty, Fightclub, Fear and loathing in Las Vegas, Seven and Adaptation to name a few. These movies left me with feelings that had an aftertaste of Kids.
You may not completely agree, or you may not agree at all. But I though I would give you a pat on the back for giving that horrible film a bad review.
In my life, movies are for entertainment. I wish Hollywood could stick with that.
Trevor Cooley
Thanks. The real problem with I Stand Alone was that, for all the crud, it WASN’T moving. It was “artsploitation” — exploitation filmmaking for the artgeek crowd. Fight Club, for comparison, had some interesting ideas going for it (the displacement of male aggression in modern society), and a quirky visual style that intrigued and added to the story. (Then it all fell apart in the second half.) I Stand Alone, by comparison, is tedious in its infantile attempts to shock’n'awe its audience, despite avoiding anything which could engender an emotional stake in the fate of any of the characters.
Or, in shorter words, it sucked green weenies.
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Joe P”
Subject: Reflections of Evil (2002)
Date sent: Sat, 20 Sep 2003Nathan -
your almost non-review of this movie probably makes it sound more interesting than it is ;-)
This reminds me of my attempts at watching Fellini. If you’ve ever attended a party that you didn’t particularly enjoy but stayed anyway because you had no other plans, hoping something worthwhile might happen, that about sums it up. Waiting for something without any reason to think you’ll be glad you did.
But that’s not what caused me to take up email & write; as one (or possibly point-seven) of your weekly readership, I’ve miss the Head. Don’t get me wrong — your reviews are thoughtful, often funny, and worth reading in their own right, but it’s the Head that is the candle on the birthday cake, as it were.
Suddenly, he was replaced by ‘Count Dante’ (‘Deadliest Man Alive!’). Well, I thought, a little variety is welcome; perhaps Nathan is beginning a stable of secondary characters. But our new sidekick seems to be a permanent replacement, appearing in every review this month. I can’t say he brings the same verve; I miss the stolid, neo-Easter Island finality of the Head.
Joe
Yeah, the Hieratic Head’s started taking off every September — last year, his temporary replacement was Clint, a moai from Easter Island.)
For the record, the other two stand-ins are Bubba, mascot of Bubba’s Bagels, who fills in when the movie being reviewed has overwhelming political content — the Hieratic Head stays away from those, because the REAL Ezra Pound got in trouble for his political views; and an elderly Japanese pilgrim, who comments on Japanese movies presented in Japanese with subtitles.
And re Reflections of Evil: it was very right-brained, irrational, and thus hard to comment on — but still more fun to sit through than Fellini.
Nathan
From: Jim Gosney
Subject: Re: A Princess of Mars book review 9/17/03
Date sent: Thu, 18 Sep 2003I absolutely loved this series! I remember reading it back in the mid-80’s when I was in college and literally breezing through all 12 (I think it was a dozen total) books in just a few days. I had the series utilizing the covers of the one you showed in your review but, sadly, they all went by the wayside sometime in the past 18 years.
Now that I’m older, I regret getting rid of the set. I’ve gone to many used book stores looking for replacements but it seems as if every copy of them that I find have been entirely dog-eared too much or the spines have more creases than Grandma Moses. I keep hoping that someone will eventually release a hard-cover compilation of the entire series in one book, sort of like The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy was finally done.
Maybe your review will single-handidly renew interest in this wonderful series and result in a new print run! It could happen….
Jim Gosney
Well, I doubt the Mars novels need my help to maintain popularity, having been in print this whole time — A Princess of Mars is currently available in paperback (with the Whelan cover), hardcover, large print hardcover, Adobe Reader eBook, and no less than three audiobook versions. It’s also included in a hardcover three-novel omnibus edition. So I think we’ll be well-supplied.
And yeah, used editions are usually well-read and well-trashed — yet another advertisement for the lasting appeal of the series.
Thanks,
Nathan
From: Peter Hoflich
Subject: Jack and the Witch
Date sent: Wed, 17 Sep 2003Hey Nathan,
Thanks for your Jack and the Witch page, it was very informative. I too saw it on TV 25 years ago as a kid and remember it well. I actually remembered the name from that time, though, so looking it up was easy. I was living in Japan until recently. While I was there I looked it up on the IMDB and didn’t find it. Today I tried Google and got your page and others. I now live in Singapore, so watching a copy will not be as easy as it would have been when I was still in Japan… sigh. I should have clued in earlier. Oh well, some day.
best,
Peter Hoflich
Well, if your Japanese is fairly good, you can order the new Japanese-language DVD. (Alas, mine was never good enough to follow TV programs. That’s HARD.)
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Aimee Fitzgerald”
Subject: Jack and the Witch
Date sent: Fri, 12 Sep 2003Nathan,
I have to add my voice to the tumult regarding Jack and the Witch. I saw this on TV in the late 70’s (probably 77-78) and have been absolutely haunted by it my entire life. I have never been able to get anyone to vaguely recognize it, and then after a post on RPG net (the thread is here: http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=73934) a kindly soul directed me to your review.
Thank you so much for posting that. I can finally scratch that itch, although I have serious doubts that it is as cool as I remember (since I was like 8 when I saw it!)
Aimee :)
Hmm… Well, I’m pretty sure the “woman in need of redemption” subtext won’t resonate as strongly with you…
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Craig Gilliver”
Subject: Into the machine….
Date sent: Mon, 08 Sep 2003Nathan
Hello. I am contacting you from Sydney Australia, just to say thank you. I too, for many, many years could only remember the “into the machine” chant from that Japanese movie called Jack and the Witch and wondered if it was something that i dreamt when i was 4..
I popped it into Google with a few other words and lo and behold. They mystery solved. I thank you from the bottom of my tv addled brain.
Cheers
Craig
You’re welcome — and, as with everyone who discovers this, I hope you can find a replacement childhood obsession.
Nathan
From: “Jason Sartin”
Subject: Alright
Date sent: Thu, 04 Sep 2003Alright, Nathan.
So what ARE the best science fiction stories? ;)
Jason
[This references a comment I made in my review of the novel version of Nightfall.]
Right now, I’d have to say that Orson Scott Card’s “Unaccompanied Sonata” is the best SF story I’ve ever read. and you can quote me.
Nathan
From: Sp0okyFx
Subject: jerome….
Date sent: Wed, 20 Aug 2003i just found my old copy of that book Jerome…and it brought back such memories…my gosh!
and you are so right about the illustrations…how funky could they get<laughs> i use to read it to my children too and i can honestly say i will not let mine collect dust i propped it prodly on my computer desk!
it reminds me of when i was a little girl and when the times were so much simplier!
thank you somuch for the wonderful scans…
and for sharing them with everyone
Bridgette
Glad to find there are more of us. (Not as many as harbor fuzzy memories of Jack and the Witch, but still.)
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Kevin R. Danzey”
Subject: your Invisible Strangler review
Date sent: Fri, 15 Aug 2003Hi Nathan,
Yep, Invisible Strangler sucks. Even Arthur Pierce thought so. The film had three directors (two uncredited) and two music score composers. The title got changed a few times. Pierce just shook his head over this one, but he was glad to have people like Leslie Parrish involved. She was originally cast for Pierce’s Beyond the Time Barrier in the Darlene Tompkins role, until she got a better offer, for the Li’l Abner movie. The gal who played Weena in Pal’s Time Machine, Yvette Mimieux, was then cast in the Time Barrier, but she went for the Pal film instead. Who can blame her? So Darlene Tompkins got the role.
BTW, the uncredited Invisible Strangler directors were Pierce himself, and Gene Fowler, director of I Married a Monster from Outer Space, etc. The film’s original script and shooting title was The Astral Factor. It’s one of those films where they just kept going back and tinkering, making a bad thing worse.
In any case, thought I’d touch base and say hello. I’m the guy on the badmovies.org site interview, re: the 1988 movie The Brain.
Cheers,
Kevin
Mmm… Yvette Mimieux…
Sorry, what were you saying?
Thanks,
Nathan
From: co2002
Subject: movie reviews
Date sent: Wed, 13 Aug 2003Hi! Since it is safe to assume that you have no clue who I am let me explain. I am someone that was rather bored and just wandering the Internet. I happened to stumble across one of your reviews. I have to say that it was hilarious. I don’t know if anyone has written to you about them or not but I had to. Thanks for the laughs.
From: Clyde Meli
Subject: Thrill Seekers review
Date sent: Tue, 12 Aug 2003
Hi – I read your thrill seekers review. I’ll be watching the dvd of the movie which I rented yesterday.
I wanted to tell you the director isn’t Italian at all.. He’s Maltese – Mario Azzopardi.
He emigrated from MALTA to Canada 25 years ago.
He was the driving force behind Maltese Falcon Productions.
Regards,
Clyde Meli,B.Sc.,M.Phil.
Mea culpa. The name’s ethnically Italian, so I made the leap.
Thanks for the correction,
Nathan
From: “Robinson, Robert SFC”
Subject: Jack and the witch
Date sent: Mon, 11 Aug 2003Nathan:
I read your article and I got to let you know it was great. I have always wondered about that movie. I first saw it Halloween 1972 after my brother and I had returned from a 10 mile trick or treating trek. We had quite a stash. I remember my dad inspecting the candy and taking all our Reese’s Peanut Butter cups for himself. I loved watching that movie. I tried looking for it to no avail. I asked my brother if he remembered. All he could recall was Dad taking all the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Thank you for the memory. I needed that one.
SFC Robert Robinson
Mmm… Peanut Butter Cups… That’s what I take for trick-or-treat “commission,” too.
Glad you enjoyed the memories.
Nathan
From: HndsomPete
Subject: Oversight in “I Stand Alone” review
Date sent: Fri, 8 Aug 2003I just wanted to point out that, contrary to what you imply in the review, director Gaspar Noe is Argentinean, not French.
He was born in Argentina, true, but moved to France while still young. Every film he’s made has been in France, in French, about the French, with a French cast and crew. So I think he can honestly be considered a “French” filmmaker as legitimately as Canadian-born James Cameron or Indian-born M. Night Shyamalan can be considered “American” filmmakers.
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Jason Sartin”
Subject: Armageddon: The Final Challenge
Date sent: Tue, 05 Aug 2003Nathan,
I just read your review of Armageddon The Final Challenge and did a google search for it. Pop quiz: what’s worse than a shitty movie? A shitty movie with terrible pretensions of Future Significance! Check it out:
http://www.imaginites.com/prod1.htm
I couldn’t even get to the end of it. It reads like a giant spam email repeating the same useless, breathlessly self-hyping message over and over and over. Were they even watching the same movie you were?
I mean, seriously:
“You can’t afford NOT to see ARMAGEDDON THE FINAL CHALLENGE. Contains *vital information* [emphasis theirs] about: 1) the future of e-banking; 2) the future of marketing of products; 3) the future of the internet and the new revisions that will be made to the Privacy Act as a result of the Alliance of World Governments, and their need to control the individual’s access to information and control of the flow of wealth; 4) Elements of previously disregarded apocalyptical prophecy emerge as acutely-researched notices of warning so based on factual-accounts that it is likely to make this the most ordered film on the internet by institutions, universities and religious study groups; 5) How to identify the One World Order Government’s Slavery System, and beat the Rulers at their own Game; and 6) How to lift your poverty filters, and instill powerful wealth creation principles that come through a knowledge of the Laws of Money and Power.”
I don’t know what they’re smoking, but there’s probably some kind of cleaning product in it.
Oh, and:
“SENIOR MEMBERS OF BANKING INSTITUTIONS, certain CHURCH GROUPS and pre-selected FEDERAL RESERVE BANK AGENTS in the USA were unavailable for comment about this film, refusing to even accept the calls of the organization in as far as making critical commentary on the project was concerned.”
Wow! Can’t imagine why. Certainly not because CAPITALIZED ORGANIZATIONS have better things to do than answer half-assed questions raised by incoherent b-movies. (And what’s a “pre-selected” FEDERAL RESERVE BANK AGENT?)
“A note from the author’s agent: ‘Our legal stance is that we know the author has taken an incredible risk in writing, releasing and distributing this film under his own true name. We also understand that he runs the risk of exposing himself to a barrage of unwelcome attention. Michael feels it is time to release this information to the world. I commend him for that.’”
Well, the “unwelcome attention” sentence is probably true.
“Proof: New World Order Bank and the Lucid Human Control System Conspire to Begin Enslaving Mankind by July 12, 2003 – MARK 666 CARD goes on-line.”
Doh! Guess the NWO missed the boat on that one.
Anyway, I apologize for possibly scarring your mind with all that. I notice at the end of your review that you offered the tape to Ken Begg for review. Did he ever take you up on that? I haven’t seen the movie, but between your commentary and *theirs*, I wouldn’t be surprised if it IS terrible enough for the long-form treatment.
Jason
Oh.
Dear.
Lord.Who in the world are all these familiar-sounding quote whores and awards bodies? (I can find no reference to the LA Arts Award anywhere but the Imaginites site. Same with the Hubert-Faber Award. M-Net is a South African broadcasting concern, and its awards are limited to African-made films; Visible Spectrum is likewise limited to South Africa. Know how many films the IMDb lists as being produced in South Africa for release in 1994? Three.)
All of this voluminous blather, written apparently by the author himself (Imaginites.com is a South African production company of which he’s a part), confirms what I originally thought: This Garcia guy is so far out he can’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground.
Thanks for, um, “enlightening” me.
(As I now go and soak my head…)
Nathan
From: “anna”
Subject: Jerome!
Date sent: Tue, 5 Aug 2003Nathan,
Thank you, thank you for scanning Jerome for the world to read. A book like that is meant to be shared — what a cool thing you’ve done. It was always my sisters’ and my favorite childhood book, and it’s beyond neat to see it again!
Take care,
Anna Stuart
Glad you appreciated it.
Nathan
From: “Jason Sartin”
Subject: More encouragement
Date sent: Sun, 03 Aug 2003Nathan,
I read in your mail archive that encouragement from fans is the only thing that will get you through your “life’s work”.
You were perhaps exaggerating for humor, but you indeed merit more encouragement. Your site is rather special to me, as it fits a certain ideal for a review site. The reviews are long enough to give detail (usually; I wouldn’t mind if you went back and fleshed out some of the early ones where you didn’t quite get to a thousand words), yet short enough that huge chunks of time don’t need to be set aside for it. Yes, Jabootu and other long ass review sites are wonderful (and the way I write my own reviews), but this site is great if you just need to kill a few minutes, or don’t need THAT much information. Moreover, you get to review a lot more movies that way. This is the place to learn about the zillions and zillions of b-movies that don’t merit a 20,000 word deconstruction.
Granted, Cold Fusion isn’t the only site with that advantage, but I also find your style and personality appealing. You come across as insightful, friendly, modest, faithful (without being overbearing or sermonizing), and – best of all – more than a little inspired when raining invective upon terrible movies. I’ve never seen most of the movies and books on this site, but I enjoy reading your thoughts on them, and certainly I’m not the only one. This is something I imagine must be very flattering, for strangers to enjoy listening to you even on things they’ve never seen or heard of.
If there is one criticism I must make, it’s that I wish you had tighter editing. Many of your pages have typos on them, and while I’ve gotten used to ignoring them, there are three places where they’re particularly obnoxious:
[Three egregious typos snipped, because I went back and fixed them. -Nathan]
That aside, I will continue to visit your site as long as it stays up. Again, keep up the good work.
Jason
Shucks, that’s exactly what I needed to read on a Sunday morning. Thanks.
As for the older reviews… Sooner or later, I’m going to do a Video Binge which is nothing but rewrites of those early reviews from ‘98 and ‘99. Watch for it.
And as far as the proofreading goes… Yeah. I know. I try to blame it on the fact that I write my reviews directly in HTML using Macromedia HomeSite, which has an extremely suckyass spellchecker, but I know the responsibility comes back on me. (I also have a reader, Joe Prisco, who delights in informing me of typos in entertaining ways, but it seems that I’m making ‘em faster than he’s catching ‘em.)
Again, thanks for the encouragement. It’s always good to know that there’s someone on the other side of the browser.
Nathan
From: David Ingersol
Subject: Reign of Fire Nit
Date sent: Thu, 31 Jul 2003One last nit to pick with Reign of Fire, the biggest one for me – those species of fish with one male that fertilizes all the females? If the male dies, one of the females “transgenders” and breeding goes one. Without a genetic backup plan like that the dragons couldn’t have lasted millions of years.
Fun movie though.
Cheers!
David Ingersoll
Nor could the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park have sequelized.
(Of course, once you’ve swallowed the ash-eating, the incredible propagation, the naturally-occuring napalm, and the idea that the dragons caused all the major extinctions, you’re ready to swallow anything.)
Thanks,
Nathan
From: Jose Arturo Enriquez
Subject: Jack and the witch review
Date sent: Fri, 25 Jul 2003Dear Mr Shumate:
Thank you very much for your Jack and the Witch review. It sure brought memories of my childhood and matinee movie shows. I must have seen the movie several times, in color, in a movie theater in the early 70s, dubbed to Spanish, and, although I did remember most of the story, I didn’t remember the name, much less the producing company or anything technical (not that as kid one cares for such a thing). Do you have any idea as to whether I can get a copy dubbed in Spanish? (I am now quite fluent in English, but it sure would be a thrill to watch it just the way I remember it).
Again, thanks for the memories. Yours
Jose Arturo Enriquez, M.S.
Doctoral Candidate
Depto. de Genetica y Biologia Molecular
CINVESTAV-IPN
Mexico
Gosh, that one’s beyond me. I don’t know enough Spanish to even conduct a competent search for a public domain video distributor in that language.
Good luck, though. And thanks.
Nathan
From: “David Thomas”
Subject: Re: Warrior Of The Lost World
Date sent: Thu, 24 Jul 2003Hi Nathan
Huge fan of site, first-time emailer etc.
I’m writing in praise of your review of Warrior of the Lost World. Curiously enough I happened across it mere moments after putting up my own roasting of another David Worth epic, the 1992 Cynthia Rothrock starrer Lady Dragon. Not being familiar with Worth I was amused to discover that he had at least one Italian post-apocalyptic movie in his oeuvre – it seemed somehow fitting for a director of his, erm, ‘talent’. Lady Dragon, a dreadful gender-reversed remake of Worth’s own Kickboxer, even features Robert “The Rider” Ginty in a small role. Oh yes, and it’s very very bad.
Check out the review should you be so inclined, at http://homepage.ntlworld.com/david.thomas41/Lady%20Dragon.htm
Cheers
Dave
Hey, maybe having somebody like Cynthia Rothrock around in Warrior of the Lost World coulda helped… Naaah. (At least it would have gotten around the problem of a whitebread guy like McWayne having a daughter like Nastasia.)
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Jeff Fox”
Subject: A couple of offerings.
Date sent: Sun, 20 Jul 2003First I must tell you what a pleasure it is to read your stuff. My focus, thus far, has been only on the movie reviews as you appear to suffer from a similar addiction to the “unique” and underexplored corners of the celuloid medium. (fancy sounding way to describe perpensity for watching the wierd, the ugly, the down right stupid, and occaisionaly quite neat stuff out there). You have left me crying with laughter many times and the phrase “swamp gas in an elevator bad” is one that is going to stick with me for a long, long time.
That being said I wanted to offer up a couple of picture suggestions that I didn’t see in your list. One, I feel, is a quite good little film and the other is most certainly not.
The first, and cult favourite in my circle of friends, Blood of Heroes – starring none other than that action great Rutger Hauer. The movie also boasts a very decent performance from a young Joan Chen as well as an early appearance for Vincent D’Onofrio. You may or may not have seen it, though it wasn’t in the review list, but since you seem to have a soft spot (a weakness which has obviously inflicted its share of torture and psychological scarring) for movies set in the post apocalyptic setting. This is a very good one, in my humble opinion.
The second, ranks as one of the worst contributions to the rental shelf. The kind of stinker that makes your eyes water the moment you slide it out of the case. I am refering to The Kings Guard – starring Eric Roberts. I have actually seen two movies of his that I truly enjoyed but that’s about it. This one deserves a well turned review and I would definitely love to see what you would do with it. It is not of the level of Bad Magic” or I Stand Alone, I don’t think I could live with myself if I had in anyway (direct or indirect) stained anyone’s memories with that kind of thing. It is a pretty sorry excuse for a film, though the rather catchy box art tries rather hard to imply otherwise.
Once again, keep up the phenominal writing and the rest of us will keep holding our ribs and enjoying it.
Sincerely,
A fan.
P.s. It is a true pleasure to find some one else who fully appreciates the wonders of David Heavener. Ouch. I actually own one of his films, which doesn’t appear to show up in any film listings that I have found. For Hire. It is a Heavener classic of the highest order and my friends and I watch it about once a year to remind ourselves just how bad it can get. n
Thanks for the suggestions. If I don’t get to Blood of Heroes this time around (and it looks like I won’t), well, I’ll do a Hauer binge sooner or later. [Note from future Nathan: I then went and rented it that same week. You can find the review here.]
The King’s Guard is also on the list (currently 10,211 entries strong) of movies to see someday.
And David Heavener… Gahh. Compared to him, Albert Pyun’s continued employment seems to be the most natural thing in the world.
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Tom Klein”
Subject: Children of the Corn/Star Trek
Date sent: Thu, 17 Jul 2003In your review of Children of the Corn, you state that the movie has no actors who have appeared on Star Trek. Actually, John Franklin, who played Isaac, appeared on an episode of Star Trek Voyager.
4 ways you can tell I have no life from this email alone:
1. I read your review of Children of the Corn.
2. I either knew or looked up that John Franklin was on Star Trek.
3. I took the time to write an email telling you about your mistake
4. I included this list in the email.
Yeah, but he wasn’t on until the year after I wrote the review. I mean, everybody ends up on Star Trek eventually… but I’ve got just enough of a shadow of a life myself that I’m not gonna update the Star Trek Appearance Totables continuously.
But hey, thanks for pointing it out anyway.
Nathan
From: “Kerry D. Jordan”
Subject: HIERO’S JOURNEY REVIEW
Date sent: Thu, 17 Jul 2003Hi,
I stumbled across the review of Hiero’s Journey on your website and thought you would like to know that there was a sequel, The Unforsaken Hiero. If you search really hard, you may be able to find an old copy. Apparently, Lanier intended the books to be a series (maybe a trilogy?) but as far as I know, he never completed it, so The Unforsaken Hiero had somehat of a cliff-hanger ending (just to warn you)…
Kerry
I actually had the sequel sitting on my shelf for many a year, but it’s not there now. I don’t know what I did with it.
Nathan
From: Dirck de Lint
Subject: “Interceptor Force” tech geekery
Date sent: Tue, 15 Jul 2003I wouldn’t bother you with it, but it might pique you as an ex-pat.
You wrote:
Let’s stop there a second and go back. These stealth fighters were armed with nukes. That seems odd enough — would stealth fighters scrambled for an interception be carrying the H-bomb as a matter of course? Not only that, but one nuke missile gets launched directly at the UFO, which means that these aren’t just H-bombs; they’re air-to-air nuke missiles. Hello? I know our military sinks money into a lot of unnecessary and counterintuitive projects, but who’s going to develop a nuclear missile that’s going to be used specifically for air-to-air combat? Maybe one of you military types can set me straight.
Well, I’m just a gamer-type who read a lot of “Jane’s World’s Air Weapons That Make You Cringe” back in high school…. It was called the Genie, and it spent some time in the early ’60’s strapped to Voodoos and Delta Daggers, with the idea that if a crowd of lumbering Soviet bombers were making their way towards the Good Ol’, the best way to stop them was by launching some fairly marginally “guided” tac-nukes at them while they were still over somewhere useless… like say, Alberta, or Labrador. Yay, NORAD!
I’ll try to not bug you any more.
I did not know this. Thanks for setting me straight.
Nathan
From: DiggemtheFrog
Subject: I saw “The Devil’s Nightmare”
Date sent: Sat, 12 Jul 2003Dear Mr. Shumate,
I wrote to you two months ago concerning a movie of which I could only remember seeing a few seconds on late-night TV. I had done some research on the Internet that led me to conclude that the mysterious film was an obscure, Belgian- and Italian-made horror film called The Devil’s Nightmare. I had hoped that you could confirm that from my description of the scene, since I had a slim chance of finding this film in a video store.
Well, by some miracle I did manage to find a copy, under the original title, and only a few miles from my home! At this point I’d like to say that I admire the way you show pictures of all the front covers of every movie you review on your website (at least all the pictures you have room for). It may interest you to know that the front cover on your display under the title “Castle of Death” is actually an insert of the cover on the box that I found. The original title, which was at the top of the original cover, has been cut off, and the new title slapped across the bottom. I guess it goes to show how unprofessional those people were who released the “Facing All Death” series.
Sadly, the print I rented was every bit as poor as the one you described. In addition, there was even a bit of some TV sitcom (“Punky Brewster’s Place”, I think) that somehow got taped over a few seconds of the opening scene! Still, at least I got to see for myself.
I must have originally seen more scenes than I remember, because the torture room scene didn’t match my memory very closely. I thought I remembered the floor and walls being made of stone, like in the rest of the castle; and my memory of the iron maiden didn’t match the real one at all. I remembered it being made of metal, and opening on one side like a refrigerator, and looking more like one of those “Russian eggs” than a sarcophagus; and in my recollection, the girl who gets nailed in it looked a lot more like the greedy brunette who drowns in gold dust than the redhead. On top of everything else, I don’t remember seeing Liza the succubus at all.
Still, my memory isn’t always accurate, especially of something I see late at night while flipping channels. And like I said before, even with the legion of horror films that must have been made in Europe that take place in castles, how many could possibly have been made in which a woman backs up into an iron maiden, and the door closes on her all by itself, and you see blood ooze out from under the door? Given the odds, I conclude that this must be the movie I saw years ago, until and unless I ever see another Gothic horror film with a scene that fits my memory even better.
By the way, you were right. Minus the torture room scene and the lesbian scene (which, of course, is censored in the version we saw), this movie is pretty tame. Nevertheless, when I buy a DVD player, this will be one of the first DVD’s in my collection — so I can see the whole lesbian scene!
Happy horrors,
Diggem the Frog
Glad to know I helped lay another childhood memory to rest. (Remember, though, that if the lesbian scene is that important to you, there’s a modern convenience called “porn” you might want to check out — it’s definitely easier to get ahold of.)
Thanks,
Nathan
From: “Pete-LTP”
Subject: Funny Stuff
Date sent: Thu, 10 Jul 2003Nathan,
I just wanted to drop you a line and tell you just how much I enjoy your reviews… it’s almost like a shamed masochist journal… “I don’t want to watch these, but I must.” Your comment on Radioactive Dreams “I was too busy keeping up the one-man chant of “End! End! End!”" made me laugh out loud.
Do you ever fast forward through these things or do you suffer through each moment?
Anyway, keep up the good work! I visit your site often.
Sincerely,
Pete Bauer
Local Talent
www.localtalentfilms.com
Thank you kindly. The “End! End! End!” chant is a regular occurrence at B-Fest. The movies never listen to an auditorium of movie pundits, so it’s even less likely that they’d listen to little old me, but I had to try.
And no, I don’t use the fast-forward button, because if I started skipping parts of some movies, I’d pretty soon be forced to admit that the entire movie is skippable from start to finish. And then who’d write the reviews to warn people away?
Nathan
From: brett piper
Date sent: Sat, 5 Jul 2003So I was doing a web search on my old friend Daniel Matmor, which led me to your review of The Mangler which in turn led me to spend the last two hours reading most of your other reviews when I should have been working. Thanks a lot. If I hadn’t enjoyed myself so much I’d be pissed. A couple of comments:
Weren’t you a little tough on Jason and the Argonauts? Sure, it was the beginning of Harryhausen’s medicine coat the sugar so I’ll look like a real artist period when his stuff really started to drag, but the good things in it are so good that it’s still a terrific movie. The skeleton sequence is as brilliant as it’s reputed to be. Any doubts about this movie’s worth can be dispelled by comparing it to the made for TV mini series of a few years ago. Ugh.
The Polonia brothers are good friends of mine and two of the nicest guys you’ll hope to meet, but they’d be the first to agree that Blood Red Planet is a piece of shit (and by the way, John’s brother is Mark, not Ed). And the reason the stupid puppet Cyclops at the end looked like a reject from Drainiac is because it was a reject from Drainiac with an eyeball pasted on. They needed a monster so I slapped it together to help them out. That’s what friends are for, right?
Regards
Brett Piper
Always glad to help slow the economy.
Re beating up on Harryhausen: Yeah, maybe. I’m just so used to Harryhausen’s work singlehandedly making a movie worthwhile (cf. The Valley of Gwangi) that it’s really disappointing when it doesn’t quite.
And, you know, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve pasted on an extra eyeball to help out a friend…
Thanks,
Nathan
