• Directed by Jack Bravman
• Written by David Wellington
• Starring
  • Adam West
  • Jon Mikl Thor
  • Tia Carrere
  • Manuska Rigaud

Here’s my theory:

Elvis died in 1977. Of course, within a year there were rumors floating around that the King wasn’t really dead. Ed Wood, living in relative obscurity, thought this was a great idea, and faked his own death in 1978. Freed from the mire of softcore porn he had been making since the mid-60s, he popped his head up every once in a while to work on a movie under various pseudonyms — and thus Zombie Nightmare was born.

Think about it! How else could you explain a movie so deadly serious and yet so ineptly funny — so brutally, hilariously bad that I didn’t know whether to give it a thumbs up or a thumbs down? Here’s a brief plot outline:

A while back, young Tony Washington was walking home from a ball game with his father and mother when they came upon two young toughs attempting the rape of a Haitian girl. Tony’s dad, rescued the girl, but was fatally stabbed. (From the look of the toughs, this was in the 1950s.)

Fast forward — how many years? It’s supposed to be contemporary (the movie was made in 1986), and Tony has become a muscled, long-haired ball player himself (Jon Mikl Thor). To be generous, let’s say fifteen years have passed, even though that would mean that the young toughs were wandering around in the early 1970s looking like the cast of Grease. (Maybe they were the first George Lucas fanatics, dressing like characters from American Graffiti.)

Anyway. Tony goes to the store to pick up some groceries, foils an inept robbery, then gets run down outside the story by some joyriding teenagers, including a pre-stardom (but still hot) Tia Carrere. The storeowner takes Tony’s body back to his mom (yeah, I’d cart the corpse around instead of calling the police, too), who calls on the Haitian girl, now grown into witch-woman Molly Mokembe (not to be confused with the Mukele M’bembe, the purported dinosaur running around the Congo); Molly brings Tony back as a zombie to take revenge on his killers.

Now, just like Plan 9, the plot summary doesn’t do justice to the ludicrous dialog and characterization. I was lucky enough to have my brother-in-law staying over Friday night as I watched this, and I let out a string of sarcastic comments so funny that I felt like a robot made from a bowling pin. (Thanks, Spencer!) After I finished, I realized that the format that Andrew Borntreger uses over at Badmovies.org would be perfect for this film, listing amusing comments indexed to how many minutes into the movie they occurred. Alas, I had only jotted down my comments, not the time index.

So what did I do? Let me tell you — I watched it AGAIN, just so this review could be the best darn review that a movie like Zombie Nightmare deserves! Here’s to you, Ed Wood, wherever you are.

So, without ado, I’ll steal a page from Andrew Borntreger’s book to give you Things To Look For:

0:03 Stop praising your dad’s hitting prowess, kid — he’s only batting practice balls to the in-fielders!

0:05 And this is where the WWF got its start.

0:08 Yes, I am Duran Duran Boy — my super-power is to look like all five members of Duran Duran at the same time. Yet, inexplicably, I listen to sweat metal in the car.

0:10 Does Tia Carrere ever get together with the other cast members for Zombie Nightmare reunion parties?

0:12 Hmm — maybe before we rob this store I’ll flash my gun around outside so that anyone seeing us can call the cops and stop us before we’re done.

0:13 Whoosh! The force of the air from my fist as it doesn’t quite connect with your face should be enough to knock you down!

0:13 All I know about fighting, I learned from my dad!

0:14 There, now I look like a Jawa.

0:15 Here it is, as advertised, the Worst Line of Dialog Ever Uttered (in a crummy Italian accent, no less): “Oh Tony, who could have done this terrible thing?”

0:16 I’ve brought you back your son’s baseball bat…

0:18 I’m now Totally Evil Whacked-Out Duran Duran Boy.

0:19 Look! It’s Tina Turner!

0:20 Don’t give me any guff, man! I’ve worked hard to develop this accent since I was a teenaged Haitian girl!

0:21 Look! It’s Darth Maul — or a groupie for the KISS reunion tour.

0:25 MUST — HAVE — BAT!!

0:26 Don’t you dare eat noodles like that in front of me!

0:27 Nothing makes me feel bad like rocking through the suburbs on an overcast weekday morning with no other traffic around. (Note the omnipresent cop car following in the far background.)

0:29 … and I always go for ice cream when I’m feeling bad.

0:30 We will now go to great lengths to avoid the word “penis” or any of its euphemisms.

0:34 Tennis boy seems, ah, unexcited.

0:35 Ever notice that guys can’t hear a thing when their glands get excited? It’s always the girl who says, “Stop kissing me passionately — I heard a faint noise!”

0:36 The girl’s running as fast as her bare feet will carry her, the zombie’s stumping along with an obviously broken ankle — but wait, he seems to be keeping up OK.

0:37 Good hiding place, out in the open like that. I bet you won hide-and-seek every time in your neighborhood, didn’t you?

0:40 The M.E. thinks he’s Columbo.

0:44 Duran Duran Boy’s just got to stop striking out in public — it’ll give him low self-esteem.

0:45 Yes, I am Adam West, but I’m hoping with this moustache everyone’ll think I’m Stacy Keach. (No good, Adam — the producer’s gonna blaze your name first thing in the credits, big as life.)

0:48 “His body’s going through many changes.” What, post-mortem puberty?

0:50 That’s it? We’ve set Duran Duran Boy up to be this major bad-ass — and then he’s killed off halfway through the movie?

0:52 And the almost-raped victim just stayed on the garbage bags all night?

0:57 Don’t they train these officers to restrain and subdue perps?

1:02 Where did the zombie’s hair go? It’s not falling out — it looks like it got hacked off at three inches, and he’s either suddenly developed Male Pattern Baldness or gotten a cleric’s tonsure.

1:09 Tia Carrere calls her boyfriend in a panic, it certainly looks like mid-morning. “I’ll be right over.” He finally arrives, what, late evening? Early morning?

1:12 Let’s find some excuse to split up. It’s expected of us.

1:14 Good thing Jim’s uncle’s garage was within walking distance of Jim’s folks’ house.

1:17 So why are we in the cemetery (aside from the setup for the shocker ending)?

1:20 And somehow the dead dad has grown long, wispy white hair in the grave.

1:21 I’ll just set the gun here, now that it has my fingerprints all over it.

Hoo-wee! I think I’ll leave the play-by-play to Andrew Borntreger from now on, and keep with my own trademark, the Notable Totables:

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 9
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 0 (well, there was one, but it looked like a sparkler doused in gasoline)
• dream sequences: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0