When Women Had Tails (1970)

Posted on Jun 13, 2001 under Comedy, Sci-fi |

Directed by Pasquale Festa Campanile
Written by Marcello Coscia, Pasquale Festa Campanile, Ottavio Jemma and Lina Wertmuller
Starring
- Senta Berger
- Giuliano Gemma
- Frank Wolff
- Renzo Montagnani
- Lando Buzzanca

I don’t normally consider myself a terribly PC individual. I don’t think about it much; I like fairness, and I like equality, and I like common sense based on things like the Golden Rule (the real one, not the cynical one). But it’s movies like this that let me know just how era-specific my gut-level reactions are. See, I had a good feminist professor in college. Kay Cook is a wonderful human being, and unlike some other instructors I had, she didn’t think that “feminist” was a synonym for “license to whine.” I took several of my lit courses from her, and even in the ones that weren’t specifically focused on sexist/racist issues (like the Toni Morrison course was), she always managed to make sure that we all took a good look at how gender relations figured in the text, and how much hinged on a character’s sex. Then I would come home, and my wife would be contentedly watching Bewitched reruns on Nickelodeon, and I’d about explode from cognitive dissonance.

The same thing happened here. The only real impediment to my enjoyment was the living spectre of Kay Cook, watching me silent and Banquo-like as I chortled away.

We begin as a fat cavewoman, who keeps her seven (!) young sons in a hanging basket-nest thing, is assaulted by a randy caveman who, in the course of bonking her on the head and dragging her away, manages to knock the nest’s hanging contraption free. The nest lands in a stream and floats down into the river and into the sea, finally to land on the rocks of an island — all accompanied by probably the most enjoyably silly score ever composed by Ennio Morricone.

I would like to say that humanity has progressed in general intelligence since those days. But that would be a lie.

As soon as the credits are done, we cut to “many years later.” The seven brothers have grown to maturity with only each other as company. As you can well imagine, they are hairy, stinky, and pretty damned stupid. The “smart” one, Kao (Lando Buzzanca), is hard at work on inventing the slingshot — unfortunately, he repeatedly hits himself in the face with the shot. It’s right about here that we notice one of the most gratifying features of this movie: Their language. They don’t do that whole pre-linguistic thing you remember from One Million Years B.C. (or even worse, the made-up language with a total of about five words in When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth), nor do they do the stilted TarzanSpeak common in flicks like Ironmaster. No, these guys speak like people of every age and country always have: In colloquialisms. And since it’s all rendered in English, we get immediately treated to phrases like “I’m so frigging bored” and “What the hell?”, as well as the anachronistic epithet “Jesus!”

And if you ever wondered where the Stooges Gene came from, look no further; these guys spend a large proportion of their time beating each other over the heads with clubs, pratfalling, doubletaking, and having Rube-Goldbergesque animal traps backfire. I was waiting for a roadrunner to run up and say, “Meep meep!”

Their lives start to change, however, when lightning strikes the tree outside their cave, igniting it. As with anything unfamiliar, they go through a distinctly male pattern of discovery: From fear, to aggression, so setting someone’s ass on fire, to appreciation, to lust for control and ownership. Afraid that the threat of rain will douse the fire, one of their number spreads the fire around to make sure it stays lit.

Where’s Charlton Heston when you need him?

Cut directly to all seven of them leaping off the cliff of the now-ashen island, clinging to logs to cross the water…

…and landing on the opposite shore, where they sing “Here We Go ‘Round the Mulberry Bush” in celebration of their escape. (You thinking I’m kidding. Little do you know.) They immediately set up house, but they discover some strange animals: two of the brothers find a camel. The rest find… hmmm. It stumbled into a pit trap, but they can’t identify it. It’s sort of shaped like them, but with smooth skin and red hair, and two strange lumps on its chest… and it’s played by Senta Berger.

Finally identifying it as some kind of hairless gorilla, they tote it back to camp for dinner, but when the most handsome brother Ulli (Giuliano Gemma) discovers that their bound catch can understand him, he frees her. Why? Because she identifies herself as a woman, and claims that women are for better things than eating. Then she demonstrates.

Of course, Ulli thinks he’s discovered the greatest thing since… well, ever. So he cooks the camel instead to feed to his brothers, and keeps Filli (that’s her name — classy, eh?) in a cage to “play” with. Naturally she doesn’t take kindly to the captivity, but it’s not like he’s being purposely cruel; after all, he’s never even seen another person (that he can remember) who wasn’t one of his brothers. (See, Kay? He’s not being purposely domineering! Honest!) Oh, and did I mention she has a tail? A cute little thing that sticks out from beneath her loincloth, and indicates her mood despite her best intentions — which clues us in to the fact that she’s starting to really like Ulli. Unfortunately, they have one of their “play” sessions inadvertantly in front of all the other brothers, and then all of them want a turn. And Ulli, used to sharing, gives it to them (after a long and cartoony fight).

**Okay, I’m sure this was a really good idea the very first time someone thought of it. No, on second thought…**

Think you can see a rift coming in their relationship, do you?

It’s right about here that the spectre of Kay Cook stood right in front of the screen. We are, after all, not just talking about bondage and coerced sex; at this stage, we’re moving right on into gang rape.

“This is funny?” said the pseudo-Kay.

“But there’s no malice involved!” I protested. “No patriarchally-perpetuated subjugation! They’re clueless morons who discovered sex!”

“Nathan,” she said patiently, “the movie isn’t a product of a prehistoric era; it was made in 1970, and thus showcases attitudes of the time period of production. You can’t say that the filmmakers were somehow innocent to ideas of female sexual equality and abuses of patriarchy.”

“But they’re Italians!” I said. “And besides, I’m all for equality of the sexes — and would I feel particularly broken up about a man being used similarly by a bunch of women? Not likely! So if you’re going to contend that it’s inherently different for a woman to be in that situation, you’ll be starting from an initial thesis of inequality!”

“What?! They’ve only got one teller window open?!”

She shook her head with a sad resignation on her face and faded from the banquet table.

Anyway. The ensuing scenes helped alleviate my phantom guilt; tuckered out by her successive encounters, Filli insists to Ulli that she’s not going to “play” anymore until tomorrow morning — and then, only with one brother, of her choosing. Suddenly, the tables are turned, and the menfolk spend the rest of the day grooming themselves and decking out in feathers and paint. Eventually, Filli chooses one of the other brothers, and Ulli finds a new emotion: jealousy.

I don’t want to tell you how everything turns out, but here’s a clue: They didn’t title it One Bride For Seven Brothers, did they?

Oh, I may have forgotten to tell you: Kao, the smart one, managed to get himself killed in quite possibly the oldest gag in human history: Tying huge palm leaves to his arms and trying to fly like the birdies. In the best Wile E. Coyote fashion, he stays aloft for roughly four seconds before plummetting to his death. (Whoa — that never happened to Wile E.)

On the surface, this may seem to be the very distillation of patriarchal oppression. However, an examination of the facial expressions will lead one to believe that this is a post-modern satire of said stereotypes, subverting the standard gender bias of this scene with… Aw, skip it.

In case you haven’t gotten it yet, this is a funny movie. Especially considering how bad most caveman movies are (and Italian caveman movies especially), this was like a breath of fresh air. It was like watching the birth of slapstick, back when every joke was fresh and new. I don’t know how funny the dialogue was in the original, but the English dub is just full of gems:

“Oh! The light! [pointing to the setting sun] Blackness comes when the light goes away!”
“Yeah, but this is getting to be a pretty regular thing.”
“I don’t care. It still scares the shit out of me.”

Yes, I know the gender politics presented are horrific to a 21st-century audience, but if taken in stride (and borne with to the end), it’s really not that bad. (Hear me, Kay? IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BAD! Stop haunting me!) In the end, the tables are turned in a fashion that should alleviate some of that PC-induced guilt. (Of course, the treatment of the obviously-gay brother will probably start it flaring again…)