Cold Fusion Video Reviews

aka Il Gato Dagli Occhi de Giada

• Directed by “Anthony” (Antonio) Bido
• Written by Antonio Bido, Roberto Natale, Vittorio Schiraldi, and Aldo Serio
• Starring
  • “Richard Stewart” (Corrado Pani)
  • “Sylvia Kramer” (Paola Tedesco)
  • Franco Citti
  • Fernando Cerulli
  • Giuseppi Addobbati

Back when I reviewed The Bird With the Crystal Plumage (1970), I compared that film positively to examples of the giallo genre (that’s the Italian crime/slasher genre of the late ’60s and ’70s, in case you didn’t know) in which not only was the plot nonsensical, as was par for the course for these movies, but the direction didn’t rise above the screenplay. And here we have Watch Me When I Kill as a convenient example of the latter! Thank you, boxed set from VCI Entertainment, for covering the range of the giallo!

The murders start, as murders often do, with drugs. Okay, it’s actually a pharmacy, in which Mr. Dezzan (Yill Pratt) works with his shifty-eyed assistant (Gianfranco Bullo), who I think was named “Centauri” (the credits list him only as “chemist’s assistant). Dezzan has been getting threatening phone calls, and on this fateful day, after Centauri has left, Dezzan is killed by someone in a dark coat and hat, whose face is, naturally, hidden from the audience.

“Whaddaya mean, do I want to try your Italian-style pizza crust? This is Italy!”

Meanwhile, dancer Mara (Paola Tedesco) and her partner perform an Argentine tango at a nightclub which, no fooling, is full of guys staring at the stage. No, there’s no stripping at the end of the dance. I can’t explain it either. Mara is sought after by a director and screenwriter who want her to be in their next production, but she’s playing hard to get. She’s also sought after by Lukas (Corrado Pani), her one-time lover who decides to drift back into her life. Lukas has a little bit of a Sonny Bono thing going on; that may be why I identified Mara’s nose as Cher-like.

The night after they become reacquainted, someone quietly breaks into Mara’s flat and aaaalmost gets far enough in to cause damage, but is scared off by a neighbor’s dog. So Mara shows up at Lukas’ place as a houseguest while they figure out who’s trying to kill her and why.

In this movie, the killer doesn’t wear black leather gloves. He wears light latex ones. That’s the kind of creativity we’re dealing with.

The “why” is the biggest bunch of unlikely coincidences I’ve ever seen mangled together and called a plot in a movie. It just so happens that Lukas’ neighbor across the hall, Mr. Bozzi (Fernando Cerulli), once served on a jury with the dead pharmacist… and he’s also getting threatening phone calls! Boy, what are the odds? On top of the coincidences, we also have the “reader participation” part of the plot, when we have to figure out things that the director just didn’t bother to make clear. There was a scene right after the pharmacist was murdered in which a woman stopped in a cab to pick up some aspirin, and the killer from inside told her the store was closed; the next person through the door after the killer left discovered the body, and the first woman was still around to see it, but left so she wouldn’t get involved. That woman? Mara. Didn’t recognize her because her next scene is the tango scene, in which her hair and dress and makeup were radically different, and after that she didn’t bother to mention having almost witnessed a murder until more than half an hour into the movie. They figure out that that killer is the same one that’s after her now. Why? Because she heard his voice and could identify him. What??? The killer said one sentence in an obviously disguised voice to someone who didn’t know at the time that it mattered and who had no interest in getting involved as a witness, and suddenly he feels he needs to knock her off?

“I got you, babe.”

Other things that aren’t told us: What does Lukas do, exactly? Bozzi has recorded one of the calls, which includes an audio montage of odd sounds effects, and asks Lukas’ help in deciphering it. Lukas promptly invites him over to “the studio.” Is he some kind of musician? A producer? Could it be so hard inserting a single line explaining that into the screenplay? Or how about Bozzi’s profession. He makes several references to “my line of work,” as if we’re supposed to know what he’s talking about. It’s only fifteen minutes from the end that someone mentions in passing that he was a loan shark.

Then there are the characters who, in competent hands, might be considered “red herrings.” Here, they’re just abandoned characters who have no reason to be. Centauri, the pharmacy assistant, also has dealings with Bozzi, and so crosses paths with Lukas and Mara several times. Could he be involved in the murders? Or is he just going to disappear halfway through the movie and leave us wondering why he had so much face time in the first half? (Hint: It’s the second answer.)

This is what “Google” used to look like, kids.

Despite the American title, Watch Me When I Kill, there are no witnesses to any of the murders, nor does the killer invite anyone to watch him as he kills. The original Italian title, Il Gatto Dagli Occhi di Giada, translates as “The Cat With the Jade Eyes,” a title which makes only marginally more sense — and that only because during each killing, there’s a split-second flash edited in of, yes, a cat’s green eyes. There is no mention of or reference to a cat otherwise in the entire movie; it almost seems like the title was an afterthought — “It’s so giallo-esque! We have to use it!” — and the image of the cat’s eyes were added in a quick re-edit before release. Compared to this, The Bird With the Crystal Plumage practically stars a bird with crystal plumage.

Um… hubba?

Are there moments of attempted art? Oh, yes, gialli have to have them, so there are a couple of images of moving shadows, juxtaposed weapons and room décor, etc., that shows that Bido had at least seen the work of the directors who made the giallo popular. But on the whole, it’s a leaden, artless, brainless movie with no real redeeming characteristics.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 6
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• spring-loaded tango dancers: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0