Cold Fusion Video Reviews

• Written and directed by David Worth
• Starring
  • Robert Ginty
  • Persis Khambatta
  • Donald Pleasence
  • Fred Williamson
  • Harrison Muller
• Produced by Robreto Bessi and Frank Hildebrand

By now, we all know to expect some sort of preamble or screencrawl at the beginning of most post-apocalyptic movies (as if we’ve never encountered the idea of the aftermath of nuclear holocaust before, right). But it’s rare to have one so full of chunky exposition as this one. There’s so much exposition here, in fact, that I’ll just reproduce it verbatim for you (quirky punctuation intact) instead of trying to summarize it:

In another time,
in a distant land…
Generations after the radiation
wars and the collapse of nations,
government, finance, and com-
munications, there came into
existence a new Dark Age of
Tyranny.

As each Sector adapted
its’ own rules for survival, the
evil despot PROSSER brought to
power a Congress to enforce
his “Laws and Obligations” and
armed a deadly Militia, The
Omega, to destroy the Outsiders
who were trying to establish a
more tolerant society- The New
Way.

The region beyond the control of
The Omega is the Wasteland, a
forbidden zone populated by
roving tribes of desperate
Marginals who engage in a
barbaric struggle for territory
and survival.

Meanwhile, high in the mountains,
living among the ruins of past
civilizations, dwells a small group
of Mystics called the Enlightened
Elders. It is here that the
Outsiders, led by McWAYNE and
his daughter NASTASIA gain
inspiration in their struggle
against PROSSOR and The Omega.

Now, into this time of conflict and
rebellion, astride his supersonic
speedcycle, rides one man… a
fearless survivor, who was
destined to become the…

Why did I show all that to you (aside from as an excuse to lengthen my review)? Merely to demonstrate how much of the backstory of this movie was only alluded to obliquely in the movie itself, and had to be spelled out in the preamble. Face it, when your movie starts with a screencrawl longer than a full page of script, you know you’ve got problems.

Robert Ginty… “known as the Rider.”

The titular Warrior, never called by name and mentioned on the videocover only as “the Rider” (Robert Ginty, looking like Russell Crowe with his light beard), is meant to be cut from that same “loner drawn to a cause” cloth as Han Solo. (What, the “In another time, in a distant land” part of the crawl didn’t clue you in to impending Star Wars pretentions?) And like dear Captain Solo, the Rider is graced with a distinctive vehicle — and in this case, it also plays the role of Chewy. Because, see, the bike can talk. Sort of. This was the year after Knight Rider hit the airwaves, so talking vehicles were all the rage. But instead of measured and erudite tones, the cycle speaks in almost-incomprehensible synthesized speech. Not to worry, though, everything it says also blinks on its little screen for us to see. And it says/blinks everything three times. (Those of you who were unfortunate to have been exposed to the Mighty Hercules cartoon in your youth, please join me in some unwelcome “Newton!” “That’s me! That’s me!” flashbacks.)

The worst part here, though, isn’t the bike. It’s Ginty’s reaction to it. With every line he utters in “conversation” with the cycle, you can see how disgusted he was at playing opposite the world’s most annoying vocoder. (Fifteen years later, Liam Neeson would emulate his performance every time he was asked to “act” opposite a CGI character to be added later.)

Anyway. Mr. Badass Rider and his annoying two-wheeled sidekick go cruising along the (surprisingly well-maintained) deserted roads of the Wasteland, annoying Omega troopers for no apparent reason and getting into ever-so-exciting chases and crashes. He then moseys through an auto salvage yard, populated by New Wave punks. And evading them with more explosions and what not, he then proceeds to ride directly into a cliff face.

“Man, every time I think my resume can’t get any weirder…”

No, really. See, the cliff was actually part of the “wall of illusion” that the Enlightened Elders placed around their Shangri-La, and the bike was going on autopilot while the Rider was shooting back at his pursuers, and bikes don’t usually notice mental illusions (”LIKE, WHAT WALL?”). But the Rider himself, we are told, got through the wall because he is pure of heart, underneath it all. So the toga-draped mystics heal him by shining flashlights on him, while Fred Williamson stands by and… um… collects his paycheck, I guess. (He really didn’t need to be in this movie for any reason, but this was during the period in which you simply couldn’t make an Italian post-apocalyptic movie without casting Fred Williamson somewhere.)

The Elders inform the Rider that he’s been chosen to do heroic stuff for them — specifically, to rescue Professor McWayne, currently in Prossor’s custody and scheduled for execution. The Rider will have none of it, naturally, until McWayne’s daughter Nastasia (Persis Khambatta, coasting out the last of her fifteen minutes of fame from Star Trek: The Motion Picture) aims a handgun at his balls to convince him. “An offer he can’t refuse,” indeed.

Their plan is awfully simple: In stolen jumpsuits that look just like what everyone wears in the city, the Rider and Nastasia trek through the big ol’ secret tunnel that none of the bad guys know about. Along the way they meet up with some tarantulas and snakes (just to remind us that Raiders of the Lost Ark was a much better movie), and some zombiefied mutants (just to remind us that the movie we’re watching has an Italian pedigree). The tunnel comes out into a somnambulistic nightclub, where the entertainment could be described as “bondage vogueing.” And then they trot through the 1984-ish city, where blank-faced citizenry wanders around under the omnipresent voice of Prossor spouting Newspeak like “Work is everyone’s freedom.” I guess not many people have the day off, because there are only a couple dozen assembled in the outdoor amphitheater where Professor McWayne (Harrison Muller) is scheduled to meet his end.

“Wait — was that my cue to fall down? What the heck, I’ll do it anyway.”

And then they rescue him. No, really, it’s almost that simple; the Rider grabs a gun from an Omega soldier and starts shooting. Dozens of other Omegas helpfully run into the path of his bullets. Nastasia grabs a gun, and so does McWayne, and together they decimate the lion’s share of the Omega organization. I’ve seen first-level videogame fodder with a better sense of self-preservation. Hell, I’ve seen Tetris blocks with a better sense of self-preservation. I take back every disparaging word I might ever have said about Imperial Stormtroopers.

But fortune occasionally favors even the terminally wall-eyed, and a single Omega bullet manages to strike its intended target, puncturing Nastasia’s leg right before she can hop aboard their conveniently-stolen helicopter. The Rider has no chance but to leave without her. “But she’s my daughter!” McWayne protests. (Gosh, sir, I’d forgotten about that. That just makes everything different, don’t it?)

Despite the fact that two people with no tactical support managed to run rough-shod across several dozen of Prossor’s best, McWayne decides that the only way to rescue Nastasia — and while they’re at it, completely destroy the whole system of fascist suppression and ickiness — is to do the whole “unite the tribes” bit. Which leads us to what pretty much qualifies as the centerpiece of the movie, as all of the various groups of Marginals come together in one place to kick the tar out of each other. (TV’s busted, you know.) And because it’s virtually required in all post-apocalyptic milieus, the tribes each have a gimmick going. You’ve already met the New Wavers; but on top of them, we now have a karate gang! Beerbellied rednecks! Paramilitary types! And hairy-pitted Amazons! Given that these are the choices of social strata, I certainly hope that the first bomb to hit lands directly on me and chars me to a cinder.

“Now, my dear, you just relax on Uncle Prossor’s Meat Tenderizer…”

At McWayne’s urging, the Rider wins the admiration of all the groups by beating up their champions. (In keeping with the imitation of all things Harrison Ford, he also gets the snot smacked out him in the process.) Then McWayne makes a speech so lame, I honestly expected the Marginals to turn their backs on him — he goes on and on about “marginalized by society” and “fascist oppression” and such. But somehow, this inspires them to sacrifice themselves against overwhelming odds. Boy, if such a poor orator can rally them to war in thirty seconds, I’d love to see how long it would take a good ol’-fashioned tent preacher to bring them all to Jesus.

In the meantime, though, Nastasia has been in the clutches of Prossor (Donald Pleasence). He’s got that manner of affected distraction so common to world-conquering potentates, which also means that Pleasence doesn’t need to break a sweat to collect his paycheck.

And then things roll toward their obvious conclusion. I suppose it’s a sign of the political times I live in that the whole idea of instantaneous, complete regime change by a couple of VW busloads of ill-armed misfits is so ridiculous that I don’t even want to try to suspend my disbelief. (On the other hand, when the regime in question has about one hundred cross-eyed troops, and their “unbeatable weapon” is a slow-moving garbage truck with a flamethrower attached…)

“No way, girl. I saw what happened to the guy you kissed at the end of that OTHER movie.”

Oh, and I don’t mean to be tossing out any real spoilers, but here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice for all prospective Evil Overlords out there: I know you really love irony, but wait to savor it until victory is assured, okay? I mean, yes, there’s something delicious about brainwashing your arch-nemesis’ daughter and using her to shoot her father, but schemes like this never EVER work.

So. Aside from the copious Star Wars and Raiders “homages,” is there anything at all good to say about this movie? Well, I did cheer at one point. It was when the damned bike got run over by the garbage truck and “died.” Then, shades of R2-D2, somebody rebuilt it for the happy finale. Grrr.

A Notable Quotable:

“Oh, are the meek inheriting the earth?”

- Prossor, as the Rider and McWayne
burst into his sanctum

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 119
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 13
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• dwarfs: 1 (among the beerbellied rednecks)
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 2
  • Persis Khambatta (Nastasia) played Ilia, the Federation’s least likely sex symbol, in Star Trek: The Motion Picture
  • Fred Williamson (”Henchman”) played “Anka” in the classic episode “The Cloud Minders”