• Directed by John Carpenter
• Written by Don Jakoby, based on the novel Vampire$ by John Steakley
• Starring
  • James Woods
  • Daniel Baldwin
  • Cheryl Lee
  • Thomas Ian Griffith
  • Maximilian Schell
  • Produced by Sandy King

Given that there were two big budget vampire films that came out in 1998, what are the odds that both would be terrific?

You’re right. Blade was the terrific one.

Jack Crow (James Woods) is the kickass leader of a team of Slayers, a special unit funded by the Catholic church to find and wipe out vampires. After destroying a next of “goons” (lesser vampires) in New Mexico, the Slayers retire to a motel for some R&R, at which point Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith), the Master of the vampires they slew, shows up and waxes medieval on the Slayers and their prostitutes; the only ones to escape are Crow and Montoya (Daniel Baldwin — not the famous one or the stupid skinny one, call him the fleshy one), plus hooker Katrina (Sheryl Lee), who had been bitten by Valek and is slowly turning vampiric. Crow’s plan is to use the burgeoning psychic link between Katrina and Valek to track him and kill him, while also finding out who set them up.

John Carpenter’s always a good craftsman, and it’s clear that his films get his full effort — no half-hearted throwaways here. Nevertheless, they often suffer from inadequacies, and this is no exception. In the interests of kindness, I’ll go for the good points first.

The Good Points:

- The Southwestern setting is a welcome change from the urban or Eurotrash settings of other recent vampire flicks. There’s a certain atmosphere to the desert west that filmmakers have been trying to exploit for decades with varying degrees of success; while Carpenter doesn’t manage to elevate it to, say, the level of mystique of a good western, he does use the setting (along with the Southwestern-flavored score, which he composed) to enrich the proceedings.

- The idea that the Catholic Church accidentally created the first vampire (in the 13th century with a botched exorcism) is a masterful way to tie vampires to the folklore which has historically been attached to them. In our multicultural world, it sometimes seems silly for the Christian accoutrements to be attached to them (a silliness which sometimes leads to even further silliness, such as The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires); the usual alternative has been to describe them clinically, a la Blade. Here, by tying vampires directly to the Catholic church, Carpenter (or screenwriter Don Jacoby, or novelist John Steakley — whoever thought of it) has introduced a good rationale for believing at least some of the traditions associated with the Catholic church or its closest Protestant offshoots.

- There’s also at least a glimmering of the vampire’s erotic mystique — despite Valek’s and other vampires’ sepulchral appearance and ostensible bad smell, the actual biting is shown as an orgasmic experience (especially in the case of Katrina, who gets bitten where that would matter).

- The whole idea of the Slayers going and getting plastered and laid is, I have to say, terribly Catholic in the historical sense. No offense to Catholic readers, but there’s good historical precedent to the Church indulging in the appetites of its crusaders and relaxing (quite drastically) its standards of personal conduct for necessary personnel.

- There are some artfully done sequences, notable among which is the intercutting between new team priest Father Guiteau (Tim Guinee) telling Crow the story of the first vampire, and Katrina describing, through her psychic link, Valek’s acquisition of the mystical cross that will allow him to walk in daylight.

- When — well, I don’t want to spoil it, but when someone turns into a vampire and bits someone else on the neck, it ain’t just two dainty holes from which to suck blood; it’s a big gouge, with blood spurting down the neck. I always thought trying to simply puncture a vein with vampire fangs would be incredibly awkward anyway.

The Bad Points:

- First up, is there any way to make vampire fangs any less cumbersome? I swear, Griffith was chosen for the role of Valek solely because his mouth looked weird enough that his fangs didn’t make him look like his mouth was full.

- James Woods. While he’s believably mean, he’s never really convinced me that he’s a true bad-ass. He always comes off as more petty than gritty. But that’s a highly subjective opinion.

- The entire initial raid on the goon nest is fraught with the Stupidity Clause, i.e, that no movie’s storyline should be based on the stupidity of its characters. When the Slayers encounter nine goons and no Master, Crow gets suspicious. But suspicion ain’t enough, friend! Especially when we see Valek rise out of the sand, we get the picture that hey, he could be anywhere! How about searching the grounds for signs of digging? (For that matter, how about searching the outbuildings we can see clearly in the background?) I’m assuming the Slayers know that vampires can bury themselves, right? And for that matter, if you know that there’s a Master out there unaccounted for who’s gonna be pissed at you for killing his goons, it strikes me as a really dumb idea to let your team get shitfaced and otherwise distracted right when you should be expecting a counterattack.

- Why did Valek bite Katrina in the first place? I understand, he’s gonna want to replace the goons he just lost, but why here? Why now? Doesn’t he know about the psychic link that will let the Slayers track him? At least he had the luck to choose the smart hooker with a personality.

- Montoya acts sporadically like a gangsta. You don’t gotta spew profanity to steal the guy’s car, bud — your big-ass gun is talking loud enough. He also goes to quickly from wanting to kill Katrina before she turns, to being completely smitten with her (that’s the Confined Romance scenario — stick two people of opposite sexes in an enclosed space, and they’ll fall in love within 24 hours).

- Montoya and Katrina hole up in a hotel, where Crow and Father Guiteau join them later. While there, they periodically roar, swear loudly, and scream. Doesn’t anyone in the adjoining rooms hear this? This isn’t a complete fleabag; I’m sure the management would have something to say about the ruckus in that room.

- Seeing how Father Guiteau was being groomed to take over as the Slayers’ resident priest, it seems ludicrous that Crow has to explain to him everything about vampires, including the requisite litany — you know, the list of which traditions this movie will honor and which it will ignore. (In case you’re wondering, it’s no turning into bats, no crosses, no garlic, no sleeping in coffins; yes to stakes and daylight.) He also doesn’t know how to drive. Yeah, he was going to be a real credit to the team. While we’re talking about Guiteau, let’s point out how obvious it is that he’s supposed to be the ineffectual, touchy-feely guy — after all, he’s got a shag haircut and a patchy beard; it just screams “Bleeding-heart Liberal!”

- Where, even in New Mexico, are you going to find a mission of monks still running around in long hooded robes as if they were hiding Zorro?

- By the end of the movie, Valek is sporting little red lines on his face, supposed to be, I dunno, inflamed capillaries or something. They look like little red lines painted on his face.

- I’m not going to spoil it, but when it’s revealed who set up Crow and his team, there’s no surprise at all. It was the only other character in the movie, for crying out loud!

- Finally, Carpenter shoots himself in the foot in editing his last few action scenes. Instead of fast edits, he uses slow dissolves, which always give audiences the subliminal impression of time passing. In other words, instead of building up the pace, he makes it seem as if these scenes are taking forever! Very poor choice of technique.

In all, it’s not a bad movie. But considering the actual good vampire movies that have come out of late, being merely not bad is no longer enough to be memorable.

Some Notable Quotables:

• body count: 43
• breasts: 8
• explosions: 16
• dream sequences: 1
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 5
  • Gregory Sierra (the ill-fated Father Giovanni) played “Entek” on the 3rd season TNG “Second Skin”
  • Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Deyo, an ill-fated Slayer) played “Mandarin Bailiff” in the TNG pilot “Encounter at Farpoint”
  • Jimmy Ortega (”Male Vampire #1″) was “Lt. Ortega” in “Encounter at Farpoint”
  • Steve Blalock (”Male Master #5″) did stunts in Star Trek: Insurrection and was a stand-in in Star Trek 3
  • Marjean Holden (”Female Master #6″) showed up in an episode of DS9