• Directed by John Carpenter
• Written by Bill Lancaster, based on the story “Who Goes There?” by John W. Campbell, Jr.
• Starring
  • Kurt Russell
  • Wilford Brimley
  • T.K. Carter
  • David Clennon

See, here’s my problem. I walked out of my favorite video store with five Alien ripoffs, and to minimize indecision I decided to watch them in alphabetical order. That started me with Carnosaur 2, which is one of my favorites; but I then went on to Critters 4 (mediocre) and The Dark Side of the Moon (pretty poor). And then I stuck in Proteus. Half an hour into it, I screamed, “My God, could I have some quality here?!” So I popped it out and threw in what was to be my last video, The Thing.

Ahhhh…

Now, an argument could be made against The Thing being an Alien ripoff; it has its origins in an old SF story by editor John W. Campbell, Jr., entitled “Who Goes There?,” and was originally filmed by Howard Hawkes in 1951 as The Thing From Another World. But I would argue that it was the success of Alien which provide the impetus for the making of this movie, which puts a crowd of men of various temperaments in an isolated setting (an Antarctic research station) to confront a lethal alien (in this case, one that likes to adopt the forms of its victims until threatened – then it morphs into whatever bizarre shape may help it survive).

The success of this movie (sometimes called one of John Carpenter’s strongest) lies in the following areas:

- Strong characterization for the genre. Instead of degenerating into “the brain,” “the commander,” “the authority-hating cowboy hero,” etc., the cast is each given a personality. While we may not see each one fully fleshed out (it is an action movie, after all), we know they’re there. (After all, there are two black guys, which keeps either one from being “stereotypical black guy.”)

- A full budget. Most Alien ripoffs are made precisely because the story is cheap: a limited number of sets, a small cast, and a creature or two that no one really sees until the end. But in this case, Carpenter shot on location (with British Columbia and Alaska standing in for the Antarctic), built an extensive interior/exterior set, blew up lots of stuff, and slid a fair heap to Rob Bottin to make the creature effects.

- Bottin’s creature effects. Rob Bottin has been known for quite a while as one of the most creative designers in special effects, and the alien forms in The Thing must have been a chance for him to let his darker impulses run wild. The alien uses the body form of its host as a launching pad to redesign itself in very counterintuitive designs. (My favorite: As an alien is getting torched, its human-looking head stretches off its body and falls behind the table. After dragging itself to safety with its tongue, it sprouts eight spider-legs from itself, upside-down, then two lobster-like eye-stalks from the neck-end. Says one of the cast: “You’ve got to be f***ing kidding!”)

- A moody score by Enno Morricone (yes, the guy who did all the spaghetti westerns), marred only by the crap synth track that was mandatory in the early eighties.

- Wilford Brimley (without his moustache – I didn’t recognize him until the closing credits) going apeshit, chopping up the radio and computers with a fireaxe and emptying his revolver at his fellow crewmembers. How often do you get to see everyone’s favorite grandfather go postal?

- The downbeat ending. While I hate giving out spoilers, just ask yourself: How do you save yourself from an alien being that can take over and mimic anyone perfectly? Answer: You don’t.

Having said all that, I must point out the most glaring fault. The entire midsection of the film is obsessed with the question, “Which of us is the alien?” There’s a lot of arguing, weapons waving in faces, and alien appearances, but all of these actually detract from the paranoia which was apparently Carpenter’s intention here. Chopper pilot MacReady (Kurt Russell) makes a recorded log entry about being unable to sleep because no one trusts each other, but I’d rather be shown than told. And full-blown hostility toward each other is a lot less creepy than quiet, insidious suspicion.

But hey – it’s still a damned good flick.

(And yes, I’ll finish Proteus tonight.)

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 9
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 18, plus assorted fireballs
• icky alien transformations: 4
• dream sequences: 0
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 2
  • David Clennon (Palmer) was “EMH” on the Voyager episode “Nothing Human”
  • Joel Polis (Fuchs) was “Teria” on the Voyager episode “Time and Again”