- Written and directed by Brett Piper
- Starring
- Donna Frotscher
- Nick Baldasare
- Christina Veronica
- Ron Jeremy
- Produced by William J. Links
I have to say this now: This is a low-budget, independently made film with pandering nudity, low production values, a meandering plot, and bad creature suits.
It’s also one of the most enjoyable movies I’ve seen in weeks.
If you recall, writer/director Brett Piper is also the man behind The Return of Captain Sinbad (reviewed some months ago), as well as several b-features which manage the hat trick of providing more entertainment value than one would suspect from their price tags.
Here’s what we’ve got in this outing:
A model out on a photo shoot (topless, naturally) gets dragged below by some green monster. The photographer sends the pictures anonymously to the sheriff’s department, who give them some credence since they just barely picked up a woman’s chewed-up hand on the beach. One of the deputies has a former girlfriend who’s an icthyologist, so he tracks her down to send the pictures to her for her opinion.
Seems that the girlfriend, Melody (Mel) Duncan, is also in Florida, staying at a hotel wherein the next room is being used as the set for a porn film — and as luck would have it, the beleaguered director is also named Mel Duncan. When the pictures arrive for Melody, they’re accidentally delivered to Mel, and the producer (a wonderfully slimy little man) has a brainstorm: a hardcore monster movie! He even has the perfect title: “Invasion of the Fish F***ers!” (Hey, you know me — I like to keep it clean around here.) Mel’s two crewmembers, who are also his scriptwriters (one of whom is Ron Jeremy — more on him later), start to work on the new script, while Melody fiercely tries to get her pictures back. Why’s she so interested? Well, on top of being an icthyologist, she’s also a reporter for The Midnight Herald, a Weekly World News-type rag, and she’s in Florida investigating the sinking of a government ship carrying nuclear waste. But this fish monster story is better by far!
What else have we got? Well, there’s the Citizens For a Decent Society, led by a slimy lecherous preacher, who are trying to run the porn makers out of town; there are random monster attacks, there’s the really really bad monster suit used in shooting the movie (which makes the average-hokey suits used for the real monsters look much better). There are also two wonderful dream sequences, one from director Mel about the movie he’s about to make, made to look like a ’50s beach monster movie with added breasts, and the other… I won’t even attempt to describe the second here.
OK, I said earlier I had a comment on Ron Jeremy, and here it is. The guy’s apparently one of the most prolific porn movie performers; the IMDb lists over five hundred movies to his credit, and 95% are full hardcore flicks. (And since the IMDb isn’t exactly comprehensive in the blue movie department, there are probably more.) This staggers me; the idea that anyone would willingly watch this short, fat, hairy, thoroughly unattractive man play “hide the salami” almost makes me lose my cookies. Seems like a nice enough fellow and all, does a good job in this role, I’d just really rather see him fully clothed.
However, he is in one of the funniest scenes in this movie: He goes to the local grocery store to “re-stock” for the movie, and the schoolmarmish checker scowls at every object she rings through for him. Cucumbers. French bread. A pair of really long kielbasa. She rings him up, he turns to leave, then he remembers: “Do you have any cans of whipped cream — the spray-on kind?” “That’s it — get out of my store!!!!”
Like I said — a complete lack of redeeming features, and immensely entertaining. Next time you see it in a video store, save it from the previously-viewed rack by giving it a rent.
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