• Produced and directed by Joe Castro
• Written by Rudy Balli
• Starring
  • Lizzie Borden
  • Beverly Lynn
  • Fernando Padilla
  • Kerry Liu
  • Fernando Gasca

It’s a question I’m sure you’ve asked yourself countless times: “What if the American version of The Ring were directed for pocket change by Chuck Jones while going through a messy divorce?” Granted, the titular Toons aren’t exactly cartoons per se; it’s a couple of guys in demented puppet-like masks, blue-screened into cartoonishly simple backgrounds. But there’s a demented quality to their antics that very authentically calls to mind a Looney Toons production gone so, so wrong.

What a crummy ventriloquist! I can see his lips moving!

Just to fulfill our skin quotient, we begin with creepily-regressive Candy (Lizzie Borden) in the tub, singing “Rubber Duckie” (dunno if Jim Henson Productions has caught wind of it yet). Candy acts like she’s maybe thirteen, which is oddly incongruous with her hugely artificial breasts. Fortunately, they’re not showcased to the same degree as the similarly unappealing mammaries in Cryptz. Anyway, she’s just in time to kiss Mom (Shimmy Maxx in drag) and Dad (Gil Chase) goodbye for the weekend, and pick up the mail… which contains a DVD for her: Terror Toons.

Candy retires to her room to watch it, leaving her older and distinctly non-weird sister Cindy (Beverly Lynn) and her friend Amy (Kerry Liu) to figure out what to do for the evening. Beverly Lynn(e) was also in Zombie Chronicles, and I can’t believe I didn’t notice then how incredible cute she is. Seriously, this girl’s got that certain something that causes your humble reviewer’s toes to curl. (And not just because she’s just appeared in recent juxtaposition with some ill-conceived and unattractive implants.) She’s someone that I certainly hope gets further industry attention (and who knows — maybe even a feature shot on film!).

Albert Pyun?!?

Anyway, while Cindy and Amy debate whether to invite over some boys contrary to Mom and Dad’s instructions, Candy watches some of the Terror Toons segments. Ever wonder what it would be like if toons bled? Here’s where you find out. The fiendish mad Dr. Carnage (Matty Moo) and his experimented-upon murderous purple ape Max Assassin (Scott Barrows) perform live dissections and chop the heads of passers-by, to the accompaniment of carnival music and “boing-boing” sound effects. It’s dementedly inspired stuff, with just enough violence to keep it unsettling and just enough cartoony action to keep the connection to the animated traditions it’s homaging. (There’s even one of those classic chase scenes in which characters are popping in and out of doorways with no regard to where they last were.)

While this is going on, Amy calls the guys, Rick (Brandon Reininger) and Eddie (Fernando Padilla) at the gym, invites them over, and they all manage to get into a game of “strip ouija” (yeah, it’s a textbook example of compromise). The game goes on overlong, and as the girls get to wear oversized shirts over their stripped selves, it doesn’t really have the, um, “dramatic impact” that one might expect. Frankly, it’s filler as we cut back and forth to Candy watching cartoons.

Cindy. She’s the cute one, you know.

Eventually, Candy hits a hypno-pattern in the program, and drifts off into sleep. And that’s when Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin step through the screen and start performing surgery on her. No more stalling!

Because, well, that’s the way movies do things, we have another couple of throwaway deaths before we get to our main characters — to wit, Candy’s boyfriend (Fernando Casca) and the pizza delivery guy (Alexi Bustamante). Oversized axes, scissors, and radial saws make appearances, as our two cartoony goonies giggle and grunt their way through lots of blood and goo. The cartoon cop (Sullivan James) chasing the murderous scalliwags comes through the TV, but proves ineffective, and the foursome has to try to grasp what’s going on as their numbers are (literally) whittled down. Compounding the problem is the fact that the front and back doors of the house are blocked by another huge radial hypno-pattern.

“I’m too EE-vil to feel so old.”

It’s a wickedly demented movie which gives a legitimate flipside to the “harmless” wackiness of classic cartoons, like a gorier version of the “It’s a Good Life” segment of Twilight Zone: The Movie. Too bad it isn’t a little better.

I mean, the zany scenes are good in an icky way. But the whole first half seems like it’s stalling, and the transitions from the cartoons to the stalling action are abrupt. And having that long a strip ouija without either a spooky consequence or any actual nudity is a bait-and-switch.

Now THERE’S something you don’t see every day…

And then the climax is silly — in a bad way, I mean. Final Girl Cindy is taken to the “cartoon dimension” for no reason, where Satan himself (Jack Roberts) explains his whole diabolical plan of taking over the world via Terror Toons. Why does he do this? Mainly so that we can have a classic “death trap” situation; Cindy gets the knowledge she needs to defeat the menace. And how does she do this? Simply by using the plastic reality of the cartoon world to declare herself a superhero (complete with pink leotards and a pink wig), then come back to reality and kick some toon ass. It’s a solution that goes beyond cartoony zaniness and smells more of desperation than anything else.

Those flaws noted, it’s still a nifty idea, done with budget effects used creatively (and let’s be honest, the premise of cartoony action covers for a multitude of sins). And übercute Beverly Lynn does get a lot of screentime. (Damn that teasing strip ouija game!)

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 8 in the real world, 3 in the cartoons (plus 1 cartoon bird)
• breasts: 2
• explosions 1 in the real world, 2 in the cartoon
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• spring-loaded boyfriends: 1
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0