• Directed by Damian Lee
• Written by Mark Sevi
• Starring
  • Don “The Dragon” Wilson
  • Roddy Piper
  • Michael Anderson Jr.
  • Brian Warren
  • Kate Greenhouse
• Executive produced by Don “The Dragon” Wilson

Remember that Far Side cartoon that shows the “People Who Didn’t Like Dances With Wolves” convention? There are like three people standing around the punchbowl in a big empty meeting room, complaining bitterly.

Die Hard is even more like that than Dances With Wolves. It’s the action movie that just about everyone in the world loves, and with good reason: it’s got a zesty premise, good suspense all the way through, and engaging characters, both good and bad. Nevertheless, if I were determining the contents of an alternate universe, I’d be sore tempted to delete Die Hard from reality. Sure, we’d lose one of the greatest action movies of all time, but on the other hand we’d be spared the growing hordes of lame-ass Die Hard ripoffs.

The saying in Hollywood is, “Everyone wants to be first to be second,” meaning that everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon just as soon as someone else has shown that bandwagon to be profitable. And you should also know that movies are often made solely on the writer/director/whoever’s ability to describe it in one sentence, especially if that one sentence compares this project to a previous successful movie. And what could be easier than saying, “It’s Die Hard with a slight variation”? Thus, we have been inundated with “Die Hard on a ship” (and its sequel, “Die Hard on a train”), “Die Hard on a plane with the U.S. President,” “Die Hard but with supermodels,” etc. (There’s another Hollywood joke about the starlet so stupid she agreed to appear in “Die Hard in a skyscraper.” And then Anna Nicole Smith starred in Skyscraper.)

Terminal Rush, in case you were wondering, is “Die Hard on a dam.” It’s got to be one of the most slavish imitators of the original Die Hard, and yet somehow manages to also be one of the lamest.

First, an ominously-unexplained scene in which the governor, an Army general, and an executive discuss a “test flight” surrounded in secrecy. There’s talk of a media blackout, talk of a special microchip making everything work… Trust me, you’re not supposed to understand this until later.

Our hero is Jacob Harper, a deputy sheriff in this unnamed desert town, played by Don “The Dragon” Wilson. (Note to Wilson: Give up that Dragon thing, already! Yes, we know you are a World Kickboxing champion and general dispenser of whoopass — you can stand down now! Even the Executive Producer credit here makes sure “The Dragon” is part of the name! His official website is at www.donthedragonwilson.com! I mean, you don’t see Roddy Piper insisting that his credit always include the word “Rowdy,” do you?) Given that Wilson’s half-Asian features put him in the “vaguely ethnic” category, Harper here is part-Indian, thus evincing the normal racial epithets like “Tonto.” We’re introduced to him at a redneck bar, where a generically-inconsiderate redneck is making life hard for a teenager working there (throwing darts at his head, stuff like that). Naturally, Harper wipes the floor with the redneck and his associates, because good guys don’t let pointless cruelty go unanswered. On the other hand, this scene doesn’t bode well for the rest of the movie, because the fight is notably ill-choreographed. In fact, it looks unchoreographed, as if director Damien Lee had simply said, “Okay, Don, go out there and, you know, kick some ass around. Rolling!”

Meanwhile, a phalanx of black SUVs drive up to the dam (I will admit to not knowing which dam this is, but given its stated proximity to Nellis AFB, plus the stock footage used throughout, I can only assume it to be Hoover Dam). Out hop about a bazillion goons in paramilitary black, with semi-automatic weapons, led by Dekker (Michael Anderson Jr.) and right-hand man Bartel, accent on the first syllable (Roddy Piper, but not as you’d recognize him, with finger-gelled hair and raccoon makeup around his eyes). The promptly pepper the guards with bullets and make their way into the bowels of the dam.

But lest we’re too excited by all this action, we then cut to, you know, personal stuff. Seems the Harper is estranged from his wife Katherine (Kate Greenhouse), largely stemming from the fact that she wants desperately to get out of this desert boondock, while he feels bound there by his mother’s Indian heritage. Hmm, marital discord regarding location of residence — gee, wow, just like Die Hard! Even Harper’s dad tells him he ought to leave town to be with his wife. Said father, by the way, is a security guard at the dam, and right after he imparts his intergenerational wisdom to Harper, he reports to work late and is promptly nabbed as one of the dozen hostages that Dekker has refrained from shooting. A family member as a hostage — gee, wow, just like Die Hard!

Dekker has delivered an ultimatum to FBI Agent — excuse me, “Special Agent” — Collins (Dave Nichols) that he wants $25 million or he’ll start executing hostages in four hours. Collins hems, haws, and promptly takes over the small town sheriff’s department as his base of operations, to the consternation of Sheriff “Snookie” (Brian Warren — unexpectedly for a rural community, a younger black man). As is standard in these movies, the FBI is high-and-huaghty with the local gendarmerie, with the result that they don’t find out that Harper’s dad is one of the hostages — or that Harper knows a secret “construction tunnel” into the dam that isn’t on any of the blueprints.

From here, it’s mostly standardized Die Hard stuff. Harper goes inside alone, kills a couple of patrolling goons, and gets his hands on a headset with which he can listen in on the baddies’ plans; Dekker orders a couple of hostages killed, which Bartel carries out with relish; and the FBI wanders around with their thumbs up their butts, trying to figure out what Dekker, a career arms dealer, and Bartel, a mercenary, are doing playing the terrorist game.

Remember that part about the Air Force microchip?

It should all come clear to you when Snookie informs Collins that the highway patrol has a deal with Nellis AFB to call out their soldiers as needed for emergencies, such as the crowd control needed now (we don’t see any, but we’re told that there are riots and such going on due to the televised threat to blow the dam — although, given that this is rural Nevada, a state with a population density of 16.5 per square mile, I can’t see how it would really be an issue). Let’s see, depleting the forces at Nellis — could this work into Dekker’s plans? You think? Supposed terrorists with a hidden ulterior motive — gee, wow, just like Die Hard!

The high point, such as it is, is the fight between Harper and Bartel. Given the lackluster quality of the initial action we see, I had feared that the showdown between two of my “guilty pleasure” action stars would end up being a shootout between two catwalks (of which there are plenty), but no, they do go at it hand-to-hand — and given that both Wilson and Piper are consummate professionals, they still manage to make the fight look good despite any technical shortcomings.

Much of the rest of the movie is predictable blah-blah, but I have to tell you something from the climax. Harper, naturally, goes single-handedly to stop the acquisition of the chip and holds a gun on Dekker and Bartel, but gets shot in the leg by a hiding third man. Bartel instructs Harper to put his hands behind his head, which he does — having conveniently hidden two throwing knives right there.

Weapons hidden at the back of the neck, right at the climax of the movie. (All together now:) Gee, wow, just like Die Hard!

Now, as I mentioned, this is probably the most intensely I’ve seen details of Die Hard copied; funny, then, that Terminal Rush still misses out on Die Hard’s success. The peril of the hostages never gets ratcheted up a notch; Wilson’s Harper isn’t nearly the charismatic everyman that Willis’ McClane is (owing, largely, to Wilson’s lack of charisma himself — he’s got a modicum of boyish charm, but it largely vanishes whenever he opens his mouth). Piper, on the other hand, has loads of native charm, but his humorless role here lets absolutely none of it come out. (And that raccoon makeup is just damned funny-looking.)

Now after all the harping about the plot, I have to say something about the technical aspects: they’re weird. The entire movie has oddly washed-out color; some scenes almost look like it was an intentional artistic conceit, but mostly it looks like the DP didn’t know what he was doing. And a weird pixelation can be seen in several scenes; and since I watched this on VHS, I know it wasn’t something wonky in the DVD tranfer. I don’t know if the movie was shot on digital video and Filmlooked, or shot on film and tranferred to video for editing, but I do know it looked weird, and adds to the sense of overall cheapness of the production, as if they spent all their money hiring Wilson and Piper and paying location fees at the dam, and the rest of the work had to be done for peanuts. (You don’t know how distracting it is to watch a movie and constantly be thinking, “If I were trying to fix this frame in PhotoShop…”)

The final product looks like the initial feature project of a a film school graduate whose enthusiasm overreached his skills, but it wasn’t so. Producer-director Damien Lee has been making movies since the early ’80s, with such genre credits to his name as Food of the Gods 2 and Abraxas — granted, not high art, but certainly he’s no neophyte. Writer Mark Sevi also has string of credits, including Sci-Fighters and Arachnid (with a predeliction for sequels — Relentless 4, Ghoulies 4, Dream a Little Dream 2, Class of 1999 2, and the marvellously titled Excessive Force 2: Force on Force). Again, no award-winners here, but both Lee and Sevi are definitely in the ranks of People Who Should Know Better.

If you ever get the urge to rent this one, do so. Fast-forward about an hour into it and watch the fight between Don “the Dragon” Wilson and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Then go watch Die Hard. It’ll be just like watching Terminal Rush in its entirety, but better.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 29
• breasts: 0
• explosions: 9
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 0