• Written and directed by Donald G. Jackson
• Starring
  • Robert Z’Dar
  • Denise Duff
  • Charles Napier
  • Brion James
  • Lou Ferrigno
• Produced by Scott Pfeiffer
• Executive produced by Tanya York

Just looking at the cover for Return to Frogtown informs the ardent viewer (like you or me) that this movie is deficient in at least two notable ways when compared to the first movie, Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987).

In the first place, the sequel is rated PG-13, compared to the original’s R-rating. As I’m sure you remember, Hell Comes to Frogtown derived all of its bet gags from the premise that Sam Hell, as played by the inestimable Rowdy Roddy Piper, was one of the last fertile men in the post-apocalyptic future, and this his wedding tackle was declared the property of the fragmentary U.S. Government. Strip away the jokes about fertility, virility, and the “BOING-G-G!” sound his protective codpiece made whenever it opened for business, and you’re missing most of the fun.

If he’s supposed to be “flying,” can’t a PA aim a fan at his buckskin fringes?

In the second place, after making Hell Comes to Frogtown, Rowdy Roddy Piper (paragon of masculinity and manliness) starred in They Live (1988) and banked that added thespian visibility into a string of successful DTV action flicks for most of the ’90s. That put him out of financial range for a sequel to his first starring role, and so the part of Sam Hell is here filled by Robert D’Zar. Yes, the guy with the chin that starts at his temples. Robert Z’Dar may be a fine actor (I wouldn’t know, I’ve never seen him in a role that required him to act – zing!), but he’s certainly no Rowdy Roddy Piper.

I will admit, though, that the second shortcoming helps take the sting out of the first one, as there is no joke in the world worth the image of a tumescent Robert D’Zar. And I apologize for introducing that image to your brain.

In fact, Sam Hell as shown in this movie bears very little resemblance to Sam Hell as seen (and loved) in the previous one. Despite a little bit of dialog two-thirds of the way through the sequel that attempts to harmonize the portrayals, it’s much easier simply to think of this movie as concerning a wholly different character named Sam Hell who also has to deal with the amphibious mutants of Frogtown.

No one has said it better than the ‘bots: “He’s like a catcher’s mitt with eyes!”

This time out, Sam Hell is a Rocket Ranger for New Texas. Imagine the rocket suits from King of the Rocket Men (1949) (reused in Radar Men From the Moon (1952) and Zombies of the Stratosphere (1952)) and you’ll have almost the right idea, though I guarantee that your imagination is giving the budget too much credit. The rocketpacks are undisguised cardboard, the helmets are paper-mache over motorcycle helmets with only the barest nods to aerodynamics, and nobody can even springboard their way off camera convincingly. And these are our only defense against the menace of the “greeners.”

The first Rocket Ranger we see is not in fact Sam Hell; no, Rocket Ranger Jones is played by the one and only Lou Ferrigno. Shot from the sky by evil frog mutants while on routine patrol, Jones lets his rocketpack sink into a pond rather than let the froggers get it when he’s captured.

Soon after, Captain Delano of the Rocket Rangers (Charles Napier) sends Sam Hell on a reconnoiter-and-rescue mission. But because no mission can proceed without deadwood, Captain Delano also assigns Sam a new partner, shapely and waifish Dr. Spangle (Denice Duff), who has even less to do with the character of the same name from the first movie; nobody even pretends they’re supposed to be the same person. Sam naturally doesn’t want her along – really, Jones would probably rather die than be rescued from a greener jail by a sorority babe – and Spangle’s assurances that her medical training will come in handy when they find Jones is undercut by the fact that, um, she doesn’t take a first aid kit or anything. But I guess this is how Captain Delano gets his jollies, because they’re stuck together.

“Do you know how hard it was to get a tag for one of these in this year’s lottery?”

They “fly” into frog territory (a process which mixes action figured sliding down a fishing line with shots of the helmeted actors leaning into a wind machine) to meet up with Brandy (Don Stroud), a former Rocket Ranger turned blacksmith (with a forge – that’s some blacksmith!) just beyond Frogtown who still reports information to the Rangers. His main contribution to the plot is a dune buggy, with which Sam and Spangle drive themselves towards Frogtown… with no real plan that I can see. Heck, they’re both still wearing their Rocket Ranger uniforms (though they’ve ditched and hidden their rocketpacks); it’s not like they’re going to sneak into hostile territory. They get ambushed in the middle of nowhere, because middle management frogs have nothing better to do than hang out in random spots hoping the ambushable humans mosey along; the dune buggy is blown up, and Spangle gets captured and driven back to Frogtown tied to the hood of the “frogmobile,” all the while straining against her ropes and saying things like, “Let me go!” and “What do you want of me?” This is the point at which Spangle surrenders any future relevance in the plot except as a hostage.

Meanwhile, you should know, Ranger Jones has been receiving injections prepared by the insane Dr. Tanzer (Brion James), and seriously – Rowdy Roddy didn’t want to play with this cast? Lou Ferrigno, Charles Napier, Denice Duff, Don Stroud, AND Brion James? It’s like the autograph table at a Fangoria Weekend of Horrors! Anyway, the point of the injections is to change Jones into a frog himself, and its main effect is to turn his skin green with spots. (Only in those areas that it’s convenience to wear greasepaint, of course, and never on the ears.) That’s right, Ferrigno was cast in this role only for the sake of an extended sight gag.

If you’ve ever suspected that the late Brion James should have turned his efforts to comedy, this is the movie to disabuse you of that notion.

I probably ought to make some note here of the makeup FX. There are three basic types of frog mutants. The fully frogged-out ones, comprising most of the speaking frog parts, are full cable-controlled headpieces. Most of the extras, guards, etc., wear much more humanlike masks, with turban-like head wrappings to hid the edges. And then there are a few mutant greeners who are done up in nothing but full-body greasepaint with some patterns and mottling. Oddly enough, these are always the females (and the only females we can identify as such), such as a couple of skanky dancers in the Frogtown nightclub, as well as Nurse Cloris (Linda Singer), Ranger Jones’ nurse who’s got a thing for mammal men.

So Sam easily beats up a couple of froggy guards, takes their wraps and stuff, sneaks into Frogtown (which, by the way, is a generic standing western town set, right down to the livery stable and the Wells Fargo office), and then embarks on a series of captures and escapes that lasts for the rest of the movie. I know that’s supposed to be suspenseful and stuff, but really, it’s tedious. If Sam’s captured, don’t get worked up; he’ll escape within five minutes. If he escapes, don’t get too used to it; he’ll be captured again in five minutes.

“To tell the truth, it IS pretty easy being green.”

Part of what’s supposed to drive the tension for the second half of the movie is the “mystery” identity of Czar Frogmeister, the mysterious ruler who has installed himself in Frogtown in the last three years. It’s the kind of “mystery” that completely fails to deliver when the answer is revealed, since Czar Frogmeister is shown to be a character we never knew existed, related to one of the other characters in a way which wasn’t even hinted at anywhere in the movie leading up to the reveal. A mystery has to be more than something the audience doesn’t know; it should be something the audience will care about knowing.

The whole movie seems like the kind of second-string production that was financed entirely because so many of the surviving frog masks and costumes remained in storage. It’s mind-boggling that the writer/director/cinematographer here, Donald G. Jackson, was the director/producer/cinematographer on the first movie, as he seems to have no idea what made Hell Comes to Frogtown tick. The whole winking subversive attitude of the original is missing this time around, replaced only by leaden attempt at intentional camp. Sure, watching mutant frogs run around is great fun, but even that loses its appeal after the first full hour.

There are two more loose sequels in this franchise, Toad Warrior (1996, aka Hell Comes to Frogtown 3) and Max Hell Comes to Frogtown (2002). Both star Scott Shaw as Max Hell (brother? son? sompletely unrelated individual with a coincidental patronym?), and both feature the likes of Joe Estevez and Conrad Brooks in supporting roles. In other words, it looks like the path of intentional camp that Return to Frogtown started down is followed to its nadir.

Some Notable Totables:

• body count: 17
• breasts: 2
• explosions: 2
• ominous thunderstorms: 0
• actors who’ve appeared on Star Trek: 2
  • Charles Napier (Captain Delano) played “Adam” (the space hippie) in the classic episode “The Way to Eden,” and “Denning” in the DS9 episode “Little Green Men”
  • Douglas Denning (”Frog Soldier”) was an uncredited Klingon in Star Trek 4