Cold Fusion Video Reviews has been around since the dark internet ages of 1998 (back then, 80% of servers were coal-powered), when the number of genre and B-movie review websites could be indicated on one hand. Or two, maybe. You definitely didn’t need to take off your shoes to count ‘em.
Since then, the site has expanded, with over 600 movie reviews by yours truly, Nathan Shumate, plus the addition of several subsites featuring a number of other writers, and an array of related websites grouped together in the “Cold Fusion Media Empire.” (See the Links page for the full roll call.)
In 2007, having used WordPress for my personal blog and a number of other smaller projects, I was seized with the mad idea of converting the main Cold Fusion site over to that platform; the site had been a jerry-rigged collection of static hand-coded HTML pages up until that time. What you see now is the result of that concentrated fit of insanity. So anything you say about the new site had better be really, really nice. Because my ax is named Otis, and he whispers to me. Get the picture?
The reviews are bereft of all but the most rudimentary ratings. The “HOT” label is reserved for those rare movies whose very existence makes me want to sing and dance and throw my hat in the air like Mary Richards. They are very very very good, and if you agree with me, that makes you very very very good as well.
On the other end of the continuum are the “COLD” movies. These are the misbegotten cinema spawn which gather blackness to my face. Their existence is a detriment to the universe as a whole, and their perpetrators have left a black mark upon their lineage which will continue for seven generations. They’re just bad, bad… so bad.
In between… Well, that’s what the long reviews are for.
A word about our mascot: The Hieratic Head of Ezra Pound was carved by Henri Gaudier-Brzeska for his friend Ezra Pound in 1914; Gaudier-Brzeska died the next year as a soldier in World War I at the age of 23. The Hieratic Head bounded up to my door one day, carrying its luggage without hands like a VeggieTales character, and said, “I’m moving in.” He’s been around here ever since (barring his annual month of vacation), inserting his wry/bizarre comments at the end of my reviews. He doesn’t eat much, and adds a certain je ne sais quois to the place, so I let him stay. Just don’t mention how phallic he looks; he’s a little… touchy about that.
Okay, all you kids offa my lawn and go read the reviews. I’m trying to rake here!
Note: Thanks to the unelected dweebs at the FTC who wouldn’t know the First Amendment if it wore a thong and gave them a lap dance, bloggers have to disclose whether the wares they review were freebies. In official government legalese: “The post of a blogger who receives cash or in-kind payment to review a product is considered an endorsement. Thus, bloggers who make an endorsement must disclose the material connections they share with the seller of the product or service.”
This blanket notice should cover the whole site: SOME OF THE MOVIES REVIEWED HERE WERE SENT ME BY FILMMAKERS AND DISTRIBUTORS FOR REVIEW. I sometimes mention the fact that the movie in question was a screener, if it’s germane to the review; I always include a link back to the person or company that sent me the movie. And if you can find any correlation between my reviews and the provenance of the movies reviewed, you are out to lunch. I’m just as likely to savage something sent me free for review as a movie I spent my hard-earned money to rent or buy. (Which explains why I get dropped from a lot of screener lists.)
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Nathan Shumate
If you ever decide to dedicate more months to talented but largely unsung actors who labour in the B-movie/ direct to video ghetto, here’s some suggestions for suitable candidates: Michael Ironside ( be sure to include SCANNERS, the movie that made me a fan ), William Forsythe, Richard Lynch and Robert Englund.
All of whom are on my list. (Already reviewed Scanners.)